- Note: For a brief account of the origin of penis envy, refer to the Uncyclopedia article "My Little Penis."
According to Sigmund Freud, whose cigar was a Phallic Symbol, girls repressed their desire to have a penis. Their penis envy causes them to behave irrationally once a month, when the moon is full, and it exerts an unusually intense gravitational influence upon the rising tides of their menstrual blood.
The Dreaded "Period"
During this period, which is, in the vernacular, known as their “period” or “that time of the month,” all human females who are capable of menstruating experience a state of madness and seek to dismember males by relieving them of their manhood (a polite, if stupid, euphemism for penises). This condition motivated Lorena Bobbitt to cut off her husband John Wayne’s penis, thereby launching his career as a pornographic movie star under the suggestive stage name of John Wayne Bobbitt.
Other Effects of Penis Envy
Penis envy has also motivated women to seek men’s jobs, becoming police officers, firefighters, Marines, truck drivers, boxers, and, through the miracle of artificial insemination and the imaginative use of a turkey baster, even fathers. Nevertheless, as is true with regard to other types of envy, penis envy often causes depression, low self-esteem, spousal and child abuse, and a hostile takeover of men’s restrooms across America and around the world, especially during major sports events or other entertainment spectacles. This condition has even led women to demand “potty parity,” insisting that there be two toilets for every urinal in public restrooms.
Coping with Penis Envy
Penis envy has prompted women to collect artificial penises, including dildos and phalli, to collect statues of the male member, and to grow phallic-shaped mushrooms. A few women, becoming obsessed with their secret desires to have penises of their own, undergo phalloplasty, a surgical procedure in which penises and testicles are surgically created for them. These women, known as “phallic women,” report a newfound interest in sex, heightened self-esteem, and bolstered self-confidence; many become lesbians.
Unfortunately, women who cannot afford such a surgical pursuit of happiness usually develop depression and may commit suicide. A fortunate few are able to compensate for their lack of a penis by wearing strap-on dildos or surrounding themselves with artwork that depict them as having penises. They also often tell jokes that, on the surface, appear to be humorous but, on a deeper level, disclose their penis envy: “Why do men have so many pockets in their clothing? Vagina envy!”
Another pitiful coping strategy of women who suffer the devastating emotional effects of penis envy is to enact a drama based on a best-selling book, The Vagina Monologues, in which personified vaginas lament their fate in having been born as vaginas rather than penises. Often becoming bitter because of their envy of men’s penises, women have banded together to demand the deletion of words that, they claim, celebrate the penis, such as “disseminate” for “distribute,” “erect” for “build,” and “prick” for “perforate.” Some men have countered by making a similar demand for the deletion of words such as "abreast" for "up to date" and "bosom" (as in "bosom buddy") for "intimate."