Perkele

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Perkele is a word that originally referred to the god of thunder in Finnish paganism (you know, that cool shamanistic religion involving exciting human sacrifices that pre-dated the Swedes and their lame-ass Christianity). Perkele is also considered to be an older version of the god Ukko Ylijumala, which is slightly ironic, since the word name Ukko supposedly means old man. But who the hell really knows the truth about the Finns and their goddamn Eskimo language, anyway?

When the heathen nation of Finland was finally invaded by those pesky Swedes, some of the Swedish priests, feeling excessively arrogant (most likely from their hallucinations of Jesus induced by the extreme cold), decided they could just march right into the middle of one of the Finns' sacrificial rituals and inform them that their beloved Perkele was now the equivalent of Satan and that this devilish practice of sacrificing to him had to end that instant. Needless to say, the Finns sacrificed those Swedes to the great and venerable Perkele as an apology for their own blasphemy, and those Finns spared as a result praised Perkele even harder.

But the Swedes, as we must concede, had Jesus on their side, which was what made it possible for them to launch another invasion of Finland using such brutal force and violently murdering so many Finns that those left standing unquestioningly gave up their old ways (although they turned into a bunch of backsliders later, creating a hybrid religion containing elements of Christianity and Finnish paganism), which included accepted perkele as a synonym for Satan.

When the Bible was first translated into Finnish (not that any Finns could actually read), Perkele was used as the one and only word for Satan, despite Finnish possessing wide variety of colorful alternatives such as paholainen, hittolainen, hiisi and piru. This is yet another example of the Swedes taking advantage of every possible opportunity to force their bullshit on the Finns. With the rise of Finnish nationalism in the late 19th century, however, the Finns, after 600 years, finally had the balls to take back their word by removing it from that abomination of a book. Or maybe they removed it because it had become a swearword by that point, and they were pathetic little pussies who didn't want to offend the god who aided the Swedes in killing thousands of them.

So that takes us to the present day, where perkele is one of the best known Finnish words outside of Finland and easily the most powerful swearword ever uttered by mankind. One may think that the Swedes won the Perkele Battle by making the word taboo, but such a person has never heard the fervor and sense of ownership with which a Finn (especially a drunk one) yells, "PERKELE! SUKSI PERKELEESEEN VITTUUN, SINĂ„ PERKELEEN RUOTSALAINEN!"