- Before reading this article, please be aware that it will be disappointing. Thats because everything is disappointing. Nothing is as good as you expected it to be, not that you would expect it to be good if you were a pessimist. But still, its even worse than you expected, even when expecting the worst.
“Always borrow money from a pessimist.He'll never expect it back”
“Good thing about being a pessimist is that you are either bound to be pleasently surprised, or to be right!”
“Some people think we're pessimistic, but they'll probably die.”
Pessimism is a belief that most things in the world suck. This is a really realistic view of the world to take, because some things are clearly more shit than others. Pessimism is often described using the crappy metaphor that a glass of water is half empty rather than half full, which is completely stupid because the glass isn't full in any case so it sucks no matter what. The water in the glass sucks too, just in case you were wondering.
The Boring History of Pessimism
One of the world's most famous pessimists was a complete dickhead named Arthur Schopenhauer, who will be referred to as Schopenhater for the rest of this article. Schopenhater attempted to prove that this world is the worst of all possible worlds. See the quote below:
|But against the palpably sophistical proofs of Leibniz that this is the best of all possible worlds, we may even oppose seriously and honestly the proof that it is the worst of all possible worlds. For possible means not what we may picture in our imagination, but what can actually exist and last. Now this world is arranged as it had to be if it were to be capable of continuing with great difficulty to exist; if it were a little worse, it would be no longer capable of continuing to exist. Consequently, since a worse world could not continue to exist, it is absolutely impossible; and so this world itself is the worst of all possible worlds.|
This was a shitty rip-off of Leibniz's proof that this is the best of all possible worlds, which was also shitty.
I guess he was right though, that is, if you're a gullible asshole.
Causes of Pessimism
Pessimism can be caused by a number of reasons, which are probably stupid reasons to be pessimistic in the first place. Want some real reasons to be pessimistic? Well, ironically enough, love is often a source of pessimism.
How about this...your lover flirts too much, but you're too afraid to confront him/her because you really want to keep your relationship alive. So, based on her openly flirtatious nature, you assume that she wouldn't mind it if you had sex with your ex-lover. Big mistake.
Your ex-lover wants you again, and s/he calls you post-sex and your current lover finds out and s/he breaks up with you. On top of your newly broken heart, you knocked up your ex-lover and are now sucked into being with him/her. Either that, or paying child support out the ass.
Or, you really like someone and want to make him/her your lover, but a friend beats you to the punch and asks them out. On top of that, they like to do their little physical things in public right in front of you.
my life is like. It sucks.
I read somewhere, in some magazine while I was at the shitty dentist's office, that pessimism can cause other health problems, which usually causes more pessimism and then you die. That sucks.
For years, psychologists have been emphasizing that "optimism pwns", or something like that. Let's be real here. I submit to you, "placebo" (not the band, they suck). A placebo is defined as "a false sense of healing or treatment created by optimism and/or faith."
Now, consider for a moment that I didn't make that up, and then consider this: a placebo is nothing more than optimism. So what I'm saying is, you can create Fantasy Land with optimism. Pretend that a pill can cure you of cancer, and that you have a six-figure income, and that your wife isn't dead anymore. Then you can start riding a unicorn to work, and have tea parties with both a stuffed rabbit AND a stuffed ferret. Everybody will be so happy for you, that they'll probably fire you so you can spend more time getting help in a mental ward. It all works out.
Compare that to being pessimistic. Just try it. The phrase, "I don't give a fuck" is a good start. You'll notice you start to look and smell better because your standards of hygiene and beauty will have been decreased, as will your contact with friends, family, and that guy you see at the grocery store who you hate for a reason unknown to you, but then again, you never really communicated with him much, unless you consider the occasional stink-eye as friendship, in which case, you two have been through it all together.
As you can clearly see, optimism sucks.