Peter Gabriel

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Peter Gabriel rehearsing a poor early stage act in 1966

Peter "Peter" Gabriel was born in 1947 as a flower (a flower?) to a humble-British martian family, upon Solsbury Hill. Peter served his family underneath the window until he was found by Phil Collins.

The Rise and Fall of Peter Gabriel[edit]

This man, considered a Morrissey, is solely responsible for the creation and destruction of "art rock" (Rock where the liner notes are more interesting than the actual music). His musical career ranges from self-proclaimed sex God that nobody cares about to pretentious hipster sell-out.

In the beginning...[edit]

Deciding that the world could always use really fucking long songs and more keyboards, Peter Gabriel, his pet monkey, Shock, and Oscar Wilde formed Genesis. His little brother Phil Collins whined so much that he was eventually given a few vocals, but this didn't stop little Phil. His whining annoyed the band so much, that whilst on a trip to New York, Peter Gabriel dragged him down into a nearby subway station, castrated him, and left him to bleed to death. Unfortunately, an extremely drunk record executive saved him before he realised what he was doing, and Collins' vengeful vengeance and appalling music forced Peter into hiding, which left Collins free to make Genesis suck.


Days wif Genesis[edit]

After Peter, Shock the Monkey, and Tamia Hill formed Genesis, they released their first album, "From Genesis to Yes to Jethro Tull, There is a Great Selection of Prog Out There". It was an album that was loosely based on the Bible, and was about Hermaphroditus, son of gods, so afraid of prog. At the end of the album, Hermie was introduced to great progressive rock by being given a copy of Genesis's future album, The Lamb is Fucked on Broadway, and it was done through advertising.

What this has to do with the Bible, or with humor, I have no idea. But when you figure it out, tell me.

Anyway, they say they released another album, but I'm sure they didn't. O boy, I must be driving myself insane!

OK, so, four lineup changes happened with the span of two seconds, they released five more albums, with Peter cutting his hair, a move which I think was really dumb, then he got angry with the band because his daughter had turned into a tentacle hentai rape monster and he wanted to stay home, take care of his daughter, and the band said "FUCK YOO." Oh, and did I mention that within the span of those lineup changes, Genesis split with their manager, Stephen-Jonathan King, and their record label, Decco? Yah...well...OH THAT'S RIGHT, Peter left after The Lamb.

Stage appearance[edit]

Some people might think that Peter used suits in the stage but this is a mislead fact, because Peter Gabriel is many things including:

  • Flower, the most ugliest flower ever.
  • Britain itself, yes Peter Gabriel is Britain, he is every briton and will always rule the minds of all britons that ever listened to Genesis
  • King Henry VIII, when Cynthia killed the first Henry VIII, Peter Gabriel rose from the Musical Box as a newborn Henry VIII and for Cynthia's misfortune, he killed her by feasting with her body (and that's a fact!)
  • Phil Collins. Phil Collins is Peter Gabriel himself, Phil Collins is Gabriel's alter ego that wanted to commercialize music but the good-side of Peter fought back and continue to do so until the end of the world
  • The Ugly Bat (you know what I mean)
  • The Sexual Slipperman (you know what I mean, graor)

The sex-god part[edit]

Peter Gabriel is a sex-god for the following reasons:

-He broke the rule of solo-careers: "Any band member that goes solo is shit." Although this is contested, as it is oftentimes difficult to distinguish Peter Gabriel's music from that of a hairless Chinchilla.

-Any man may have sex and shake the tree with any woman whenever his music starts to play.

...and at this precise moment I've stopped caring.

Albums[edit]

1977 - Peter Gabriel (aka "Juggernaut" because of the picture of an articulated lorry running over the model of a man with a drumkit)
1978 - Peter Gabriel (aka "Scratch" because the cover depicts a badly-scratched 12" LP by "Philip Colons" and a grinning Gabriel holding a rusty nail)
1980 - Peter Gabriel (aka "Melt" because the cover depicts Gabriel melting a wax effigy of a man with a widow's peak holding some drumsticks)
1982 - I'll Stop Calling Them All Peter Gabriel Now...Actually, I Won't Yet, but the Shitty American Record Company is Going to Give it a Name
Note: The first four eponymous albums are in fact actual copies of the first album, without a slightest difference. This happened accidentally in a record company while recording the 1977 album.
1986 - So...Sodomy?
1992 - Us (But Not Him) - (Cover famously depicts Gabriel at a party with a man who looks familiar being forced to stand outside in the rain. With his drumsticks.)
2000 - OVOVOVOVOVOVOVOVOVOVOVOVOVOVOVO (soundtrack to the millenium comb show)

2002 - Up (Yours Phil) - (Dedicated to "The poor sales of a certain album that sounds like "Restify"")
2003 - Goofy Snacks (aka "Stewart Copeland plays the high hat alone in the bathtub for 56 minutes")
2007 - Big Brown Banana

2009 - Peter steels other peoples songs (aka scratch my back) 2011 - Peter steels his own songs (aka new blood)

Trivia[edit]

  • Peter Gabriel is, in fact, the progressive rock version of Morrissey.
  • Peter Gabriel hallucinates your mind with his music and lyrics, and when he's taken total control of you, he will feast on your body.
  • He will feast on you anyway.
  • If yo listen to his music you will turn bald.....and grow a beard

An Ordinary Day in the Life of Peter Gabriel[edit]

32/13/07 - 13:37PM

Peter Gabriel woke up from the Darkness decided to take his pet monkey, which he named Shock (ergo Shock the Monkey), on a walk to Solsbury Hill. To get to Solsbury Hill from Lovetown (where Pete lives), you have to go Across the River and Down the Dolce Vita. If you get to Mercy Street, you’ve gone too far, there’s No Way Out and you must go back through San Jacinto. As Pete stood atop Solsbury Hill, he didn't climb up The Tower That Ate People, as The Drop would put him right back to the Start (except Downside Up instead of rightside up) and he'd be more likely to get hit by Red Rain, even though above there was nothing but Sky Blue, but instead decided to travel to The Town of Death. In this town, he met his old friend, Moribund the Burgermeister, who’d become the new town mayor. Moribund told Pete that there was an Intruder in the town, who had No Self Control; there had already been thousands of deaths. Peter’s monkey was shocked at this prospect! Moribund told Peter that The Family and the Fishing Net claimed to hold the identity of the Intruder. He then added, “Don’t Give Up! If you need help, send a Signal to Noise and he’ll send a White Shadow to help you.” Overall, the whole story had gotten a lot of Exposure On the Air, particularly on The Barry Williams Show. Hearing this, Pete did some Animal Magic, and he was Home Sweet Home in seconds, to collect Intruder-spotting equipment.

Unfortunately, in the Humdrum of Modern Love, Pete’s Mother of Violence (also his girlfriend) had hidden his stuff in the garden. So Pete decided he'd go Digging in the Dirt to see if she had buried it, but he only found Fourteen Black Paintings. Frustrated, he muttered “There must be More Than This!” Searching the house from top to bottom, he found his old, almost ancient Family Snapshot from his school days. He remembered being an outcast, who was Not One Of Us, they all thought that he did not Lead a Normal Life. The thought of this horrible memory upset Peter, who, in order to let off some Steam, went to his Secret World. He started smashing his mother’s prized Wallflower with a Sledgehammer, and relieved some tension by going swimming, but there was too much Flotsam and Jetsam in the lake, so he decided to get out. However, as he left, he drowned, and his pet monkey had to give him the Kiss of Life. It was not very good for Pete however, as the monkey had previously decided to Kiss That Frog, and had made out with it, Big Time. But Pete was happy, so he rewarded the monkey by playing a game with it, but, unfortunately, he had left the frontiers at home. So they played Games Without Frontiers. Peter looked into the eyes of his monkey, and said “MY GOD! I can see Biko In Your Eyes!” He wondered if Biko may be the Intruder, and from his Perspective, it was totally possible. The lake then flooded. Pete yelled “LORD, HERE COMES THE FLOOD!” He tried Shaking The Tree, but realised that wasn't going to help any, so he thought he'd better say good-bye to flesh and blood instead. In the end, he decided not to, and tried to run, but was engulfed by Darkness as the Indigo waters swallowed him. He had a flashback to when he was Growing Up, but soon his Head Sounded Like The Rhythm Of The Heat, and he found himself hearing That Voice Again. All he it saying, though, was, "I'm going to Burn You Up AND Burn You Down!"

When he woke up, he was somewhere completely different; he didn’t remember how it had happened. It looked nice, so he decided to live there. After some quick D.I.Y, he had built a house. He decided to ask a local where he was. So he approached a stranger and tentatively asked “Excuse Me? Where are we?” The stranger asked Pete to Lay Your Hands on Me for a brief moment while he found a map of the Animal Kingdom. They were the only inhabitants of the village, which was called Lovetown. It was only them. They became good friends. How they did Love to be Loved by one another! That was until; Pete cut himself on his Curtains. He watched in horror as his Blood of Eden poured out. The man said “I Have the Touch, so now The Feeling Begins.” Suddenly, Pete woke up, at home, having forgotten the Whole Thing. It truly was A Wonderful Day in a One Way World.