Peter Popoff

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Peter Popoff[edit]

Peter Popoff is a Coin-Star machine made by the Russians that spews out radioactive water from the cooling pond of the Cherynobyl nuclear power plant. Labelled "Miracle Spring Water," it is then drank by his unassuming victims, who are granted amazing powers as a result of radioactive mutation. They then join the X-Men, and are never seen again, except by Peter, who sends them spam mail asking for money that he can pretend to convert into dollars, then slip it in his metal pockets.

Miracle Spring Water[edit]

This holy water that Peter, the Coin-Star machine, sends to you is laced with anthrax and or radioactive items that lie within this water. It has been said that "This water will cure all of you ailments". It has also been said that with in this tube was Chuck Norris's tears. Don't believe that one, it's not true. The trick to this is that once this Miracle Spring Water is sent to you it is no good unless you send $17, which is one half of 24 minus 1 = 23.

Miracles[edit]

The special uranium leaked from the nuclear plant has so far killed many and left others permanently disfigured. Notable 'success stories' are:

Luke Skywalker: No longer a crappy Jedi. Now a whiny Jedi.

Keith Richards: Finally ended his heroin addiction. Now snorts his father's ashes.

Pinocchio: Made him a real boy.

Logan: ....sorry it did nothing to him.

Neo: Changed him into The One.

Ray Charles: Gave him the lack of ability to see.

Quotes[edit]

"You're right. I am a fraud. I'm not really talking through God. I am a god in my own right."

Peter Popoff on himself.

"Dirk-a-Dir, Dirk, DirkDirrrrrrrrrrrr!"

Peter's followers on Peter Popoff.

"I do not-repeat, do NOT-use donations for my own gain. My Porsche dropped out of the sky, out of God's goodness, and my crack habit is completely out of my own money. Now buzz off, and God bless." Peter Popoff on accusations of scamming the crap out of people.


Peter grew up in the town of Detroit. His mother, who smoked crack, was the only person Peter had as a role model, for his dad was shot in a gang shooting. After Detroit was named one of the deadliest cities in the universe, Peter left his mom to work in Three Mile Island, PA where the worst nuclear disaster in the U.S. happened.


Peter Popoff is now worshipped as a god in small San Francisco communities.