Petroleum, otherwise known as oil, crude, black gold, Texas tea, Saudi slime, Ointment of Oman, Kuwaiti kool-aid, Mexico mucus, Venezuelian vinaigrette, and Luxembourg lube, is a disgusting yet valuable mixture of various hydrocarbons, carbohydrates, smelly gases, vitamins, minerals, monosodium glutamate, artificial colors and flavors, and NutraSweetTM.
Petroleum is commercially produced by the bacterial decomposition of billions and billions of dead kittens in gigantic industrial vats. The resulting cheese-like ooze is then piped into underground geologic formations where it ferments for billions and billions of years. Later, the aged gooey substance is drilled out of the ground by mass-polluting megacorporations, and is then subsequently spilled in alarming quantities all over the pristine Alaskan coastline. What little petroleum remains is then sent to refineries where it is systematically processed to reduce it to its ultimate components: protons, neutrons, and electrons.
Useful products made from processed Petroleum
- Hair gel
- Hovercraft fuel
- Dollar coins
- Dessert toppings
- Sexual lubricants
- Chewing gum
- Twizzlers (not to be confused with Jizzlers)