Phat Can Of Whoopass

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“I'm going to open up a Phat Can of Whoopass on you.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Whoopass.

“In Soviet Russia, a can of whoopass opens you! ”

~ Soviet Russia on Whoopass.

“Very astute... ”

~ Worf on Everything.

Whoopass is a rare and much coveted mineral, extracted from the igneous rock Ballmer-Reginite (named after the two renowned archaeologists responsible for its discovery; Reginald Fils-Aime and Steve Ballmer). It is often stored in pressurised "Phat Cans" that allow it to be safely transported by the user to the location required where it is to be opened. When opened, a single can (either Phat or Medium-Phat, when using smaller sizes multiple cans may be required) can cause widespread destruction at a level frequently exceeding 385.6 ac/m³.

A can of Whoopass
A can of Republican-approved Whoopass

Discovery[edit]

Since the invention of Whup-Ass in 1743, Mankind had been searching for a less volatile substance to deliver a beat-down to one's opponents. Several alchemists had individually attempted to transmute gold into Whoopass, often in hopes of besting their slightly more successful chemist friends. Needless to say, each result had culminated in failure, probably ending the study of alchemy for all time. Chemists were similarly unsuccessful in this noble venture, although one attempt did result in the discovery of uranium.

In 1953, a group of traveling geologists detected minute quantities of hardcore beneath the south-west area of Michigan. Samples taken from a bore were found to have contained high levels of badass. However, no further drilling was done due to a lack of funding.

Today, the source for all the world's whoopass is the Hardcore Ballmer-Reginite Mining Complex located 5 miles beneath the streets of Detroit, Michigan. The mine was first built by Ballmer and Fils-Aime during Hammertime in the 1960s, as part of a drive to combat the plague of sloths that engulfed the city of Detroit. However, construction was hindered by Ballmer's continuous attempts to Fucking Kill™ not only the mine and the workers, but also the digging equipment, and the concept of mining in general. He was only prevented from succeeding in Fucking Killing™ the entire enterprise by Captain Picard and his evil partner in crime, William Riker. Once construction was complete on the colossal project, it began normal operation, run entirely by rappers who used their lyrical skills to export small quantities of the whoopass-rich rock to the black market. Hence, all rappers have cans of whoopass in abundance, and are very keen to open them.

Processing[edit]

Once the Ballmer-Reginite has been safely extracted from the ground, and all the necessary asses have been kicked, names taken etc. it can begin its refinement at Seaworld Orlando, during which it is distilled to its purest form Whoopass. This is then transported by bungee cord to the Whoopass Canning Plan located at the residence of chicken farmer Shaquille O'Neal. Here it is compressed in its pure and volatile state into Phat Cans for use by the general public. Each can bears the warning "May cause serious ass damage." as per FDA regulations.

Uses[edit]

Canned Whoopass may be used for, amongst other things:

  • Offensive weaponry.
  • Electrical power, provided the appropriate Transformers are used.
  • Repelling homies.
  • Repelling homos.
  • Rap battles.
  • Whooping ass (experienced users only).
  • An alternative to life (see suicide).

Effects Of Use[edit]

Whoopass is highly addictive, and many people have had their asses thoroughly whooped attempting to gain their next 'fix'. This is embarrassing for all concerned and it is best if it is not discussed in public. Recent scientific studies have hinted at a link between use of whoopass and the shrinkage of the Foxx Complexx, a system of glands in the brain that controls how hardcore a person is at a given time.

Distribution[edit]

Phat Cans Of Whoopass are available to the general public in all good gun shops and other killing-related outlets. They are distributed by a small company called Ass Kickers 47 (NSDQ: AK47), rumored to be named for the current rate of asses kicked per second (subject to yearly change). Founded and owned by Dr. Whoopass, it is run almost entirely by failed rappers (see Crackers) under the jurisdiction of CEO MC Hammer.