Philadelphia Inquirer

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PA Man Charged with Raping 10-year-old

A Philadelphia man is charged with assaulting and raping a 10-year-old girl 235 times over the course of 16 months. The Germantown man was arrested last Thursday, and is charged with 741 counts, including counts of rape, sexual harassment, and hitting a girl.

The 59 year old man works as a teacher at Plainsfield Elementary School, and during recess and gym, would have sexual encounters with her in his classroom. The man would forcibly change her out of her school uniform into nothing but a pink diaper and Cinderella pajamas, and force her to wet the diaper so he could change her. If the girl made any noise, the man would beat her with a whip and take her to the closet for "extracurricular activity".

When asked about how he felt about having to possibly spend the rest of his life in jail, the man said he didn't regret it. "If I had the chance to do it again, of course I would," he said. "The best thing about teaching school is no matter how much I age, the girls never get older." The act has been described as incredibly sexy by police.

Because the girl is a minor, her name will not be released, but we will tell you where she lives just so you can find her. She lives at 160 Queens Street in Northwest Philadelphia, and her phone number is (215) 846-1332. Her parents are at work for most of the day, so you can easily get away with kidnapping her.

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Picture of man responsible for the rape, who claims it wasn't rape because the girl enjoyed it way too much.

High 32, Low 14
It will feel refreshingly cool with mild wind gusts of 40 miles per hour.

Iran Invades Israel

Iranian helicopter approaching Tel Aviv

Destruction of Israel Imminent
Iran has declared a Holy War on Israel, and has led an invasion of Israel with the help of other Muslim nations and guerrilla forces.

The war has been fueled by rumors of God sending a reincarnation of prophet Muhammad and commanding them to annex Israel. This has resulted in a mad scramble for nations to reclaim the Holy Land, and be the first to reclaim Jerusalem.
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Countless families have traded their cattle for firearms, and are gearing up to attack Israel. Turkey, knowing Israel will soon cease to exist, has stopped conducting foreign relations with Israel and deported all of Israel's ambassadors.

thprime minister of Turkey told the press, "We knew Israel couldn't survive forever. Israel wouldn't have even existed 20 years ago if it wasn't for the U.S. governing it as if it was their territory. The United States has sent ground
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troops to help, but Israel may be gone by the time they get there. Barack Husein Obama hasn't ruled out using atomic bombs to help ease the crisis, but worries of other nations nuking the United States or other nations as a counter attack.

Obama emphasized, "Right now, we're in the middle of a major world crisis, but things will get worse if we panic."

Study Shows 1% of US Drivers Obey Speed Limits

Police Rush to Make Excuse for People to Obey Speed Limit
A study conducted by Concerned Citizens for Safe Driving found that the average driver driver drives 10 mph over the speed limit. The study also found the presence of speed limit enforcing traffic officers raised the risk of a serious accident by 400%.

The study has questioned whether we need speed limits, and some have already started to petition for the removal of all speed limits. Montana has already removed its speed limits, and New Mexico has set a minimum speed limit of 80 miles per hour.

While some people are shocked at the results,

“I think speed limits are unnecessary, and we should remove them. It would make my day so much more productive if I could speed to the grocery store at 100 miles per hour.”

~ Your Mom on speed limits
others are not surprised by the statistics. Some vocal people, like George Bush, have said speed limits were unconstitutional to begin with, and have never followed them in their life.

"I think speed limits are unnecessary, and we should remove them. It would make my day so much more productive if I could speed to the grocery store at 100 miles per hour," Your Mom said about speed limits.
NJ Passes Ban on Shouting

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After a debate filled with shouting and argument, governor Jon Corzine succeeded in passing a bill to make any unnecessary shouting illegal.

The bill has many vocal protesters, including Steven Taylor, a fiery preacher of the Lutheran Church of Newark. He filed a lawsuit against the bill, claiming the ban was uncalled for and unconstitutional. However, Corzine defends the bill by saying ridiculously loud shouting is a major cause of hearing loss and sparks many disputes.

In protest of the bill, four thousand protesters marched to Jon Corzine's house and screamed as loud as they could through megaphones to make sure Corzine couldn't get a good sleep. It didn't work because Corzine was on a vacation in the Bahamas. The protesters later called Corzine's cell phone and screamed as loud as they can to annoy him.