“Holy shit, what a crazy guy.”
Pablo Picasso Pablito Diego Jose Santiago Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Crispin Crispiniano de los Garnimano Remedios Cipriano de la Santisima Trinidad Clito Ruiz Blasco y Picasso a Lasso Lopez) (BC 5000 - AD 2500; If you have any more favorite years just feel free to submit them here) was a self employed assassin AKA indietro l'uomo. He was a fantastic sniper and also specialized in mutilating torture. He punished his victims by cutting and often rearranging their faces. His torture marks were often found to be somewhat patterned. Before the police arrived he always somehow managed to amateurly but faithfully paint the result of his work. Psychiatrists theorised that he perhaps saw himself as an artist (like Hitler). However this was later scientifically proven wrong.
“I begin with an idea and then it becomes something else.”
“If there is something to steal, I steal it!”
“Art is the elimination of the unnecessary.”
Picasso was known to be a poor child growing up; thus leading him to a life of crime and hate for mankind creating social stratification, which spun him into a continuous rage towards people. One possible cause for this rage could be from the time when he was once gang raped by a group of angry clowns, leading to the bizarre scenes that he has depicted over the years. He is known as the most proflific mutilator of the mamillian body, doing over a total of 100,000 killings beginning from the age of 8. When he was eight-years-old Picasso had sexual fantasies for young boys and decided to slaughter the ones he came across stealing their clothes and looks and then painting a picture of them only after horiffically dismantling their face. Because of his need for sexual fantasy supression, he had decided to move to a more sinister method of killing people only after fantasizing of them as 2D cartoon-like characters.
Thus came into the effect the blue period in which he could only afford certain supplies during the 1930s so he was hired as a criminal sniper to target people. Of these people in his long rein of terror was John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr.
He then decided to lay-low and paint, starting off as an auto-detailer.
End of Picasso
In 1709 Picasso was caught by Carmen Sandiego and in 1710 he was sentenced to death. However due to his bizarre condition known as being Picasso the sentence didn't kick in until a few centuries later.
Another theory states that Perhaps picasso went into hiding in order to "get away from it all", but sometime between the rise of Communism and the fall of Anna Nicole Smith's ass another 2-3 feet, he suffered from some bad chicken leg and died some time later from a bullet wound to the head. The chicken leg is still in questioning. But scientists think that he's still down there, maybe feeding on the souls of innocent children? We can never be sure. Or can we???
The Name Theory
It is almost certain that the name Picasso derives from a forgotten branch of a famous East-onion gentry family. The original name was Pick-Ass-Hole!!! and came from their favourite past-time activities. As years went by, illiterate Picasso gradually simplified the spelling so that it looked like the name of his favorite Citroen car. His name does not have any relation to the fact that he had smelly brown fingers.
Pick-Ass-Oh!'s heritage is a subject of special care. His victims are still being kept by the most reputable museums (The "Tate und Mame Gallery", to name just a few) while his paintings are used as patterns for plastic surgeons.
Picasso was never called an asshole
Did you know that Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole? He would walk down the street and girls could not resist the stare. The girls would turn the color of the avocado as he cruised down the street in his El Dorado. Pablo Picasso never got called an asshole. Not in New York.
After going a bit too heavy on the sauce one night Pablo Picasso's hatred of drawings that look like what they're meant to be caused him to invent the "etch a sketch". A device which no one has ever drawn a decent picture and lived.
One story though, tells of how Picasso was painting patients in a mental hospital and he slipped, tearing his painting to shreds. He hastily stuck it together again and only realised he had stuck everything in the wrong place when it was too late. A rich but totally mental person (the Spanish King) saw it and complimented it. He offered to buy it for an insanely huge amount of money and Picasso suddenly realised that he could make a lot of money very fast. And thus a new form of art was born, used at first as a quick money making scheme, used now as a means to easily pass GCSE and A-level art.
He is reputed to have invented Cage Fighting during a time when numerous mistresses of his accidentally arrived at his studio at the same time, he said "Why don't you fight over me", a couple started fighting (Dora Maar and Marie-Therese Walter), a cage was procured and Ernest Hemingway turned up and based an episode in one of his novels on the incident.
Jackson Pollock was there, but was too busy swinging from the bathroom ceiling dropping bodily fluids randomly over a canvas.
The fight started off with rolling around the floor, scratching, Dora wrapped herself around Marie-Therese, but she broke free and sat on Dora's chest and finished off with some haymakers, Picasso painted some paintings called the Red, Black & Blue women later, gradually their eyes went back to the normal positions on their faces. Marie-Therese Walter was later MMA Womens Champion 10 years in a row.
Pablo Picasso shouldn't be confused with the St.Edward Picasso, the local rapist at St.Ivanna Vank Catholic School. Edward Picasso was made a Saint after he molested his 1000th child. He went on to molest another 9000 children, rape 25 children, 4 men, 2 women and one old man,his dog and a pole dancing cat. He is truly a hero.