“He really is a complete tosser, isn't he?”
“What's your mobile number, dearie, so I can hack it?”
“She can have a go on my little red buzzer any day of the week”
“This guy makes me look like Jesus!”
“Doesn't he look like Nick Griffin?”
He is editorial director of 'First News', a national newspaper which publishes ads for child prostitutes. He is also a talent judge (how, we don't quite know) on Britain's Got Talent and America's Got No Talent, and has authored eight books, including three volumes of his memoirs which no one bothered to read because they were too busy playing xbox. He wrote his books with his trusty crayon set.
He also writes tiresomely sycophantic interviews in GQ (the magazine for pretentious arses with no fashion sense) with utterly banal and irrelevant celebrities like himself. He suffers from Narcissistic personality disorder.
Childhood and Education
Piers began his very sad life as little more than a posh foetus trapped deep within a female body, and upon leaving the womb of opportunity set out to take over the world, one shite talent-finding-related programme at a time. Being born and raised in the Amazonian jungle by meerkats caused Piers to develop feral tendencies, and this caused a significant problem for him when attempting to make it big in the world of showbiz.
After Mr Morgan's tribe was unexpectedly attacked by poachers deep within the jungle, Piers was forced to flee in terror, leaving behind the family that he had grown to love. Piers was particularly distraught over having to leave the tribe's 'Wonga Fruit' tree that grew in the centre of the village, which was fittingly named 'The Wonga Fruit Tree' by natives. Luckily, Piers was able to reach the land known as America after jumping into the bag of a visiting tourist.
Piers grew up with 23 brothers and 2 sisters, of whom 25 of them were also named Piers. Piers Morgan's parents have since been prosecuted and executed for crimes against nature – namely, for producing such a shocking number of bastard offspring. Piers attended St. Augustine's Preparatory School For the Incessantly Smug in Coventry, where he was elected as Head Boy as soon as they saw that sickening greasy smile. Piers's duties as Head Boy involved fellating all of the fourth-years whilst playing a version of Tammy Wynette's 'Stand By Your Man' on a kazoo, which was inserted into his anus. This is referred to as 'Tammying', or more commonly, 'A good ol' seeing to'. Because of this, Piers grew up with a lot of pent-up aggression and bad feelings towards people with talent and intelligence, so you could say he hated everyone. Some people close to him feel that this has contributed to him becoming the wanker that he is today and will be tomorrow and the day after until 2012 when the world ends.
Piers Morgan is one of Arsenal Football Clubs biggest fans. He showed what a true fan he was by getting 40 of his innocent fellow fans sacked from their jobs after printing a completely fabricated story in the Daily Wanker, the newspaper he edited at the time (before he was sacked for being a lying cunt). Piers said he can't remember the incident, as he was busy printing fabricated photos and insider share dealing at the time. When asked to comment, one of the sacked fans said "He's a Cunt, a dirty low life Cunt. He's Cunty McCunt from Cuntsville. If there was in a Cunt competition he'd come second. Why second? cos he's a Cunt, that's why". His wife added "and he's shit in bed". Fortunately for Piers, Simon Cowell also attended St. Augustine's Preparatory School For the Incessantly Smug, and when they met at a school reunion, Simon asked if Piers wanted a job on the telly in return for 'blow job. Of course, Piers was happy to oblige. Some might question whether this vacuous, sleazy, no good, weasel-faced, smug, pugnosed fudgepacker is actually eligible to pass judgment on others' talent when he has absolutely zero talent of his own. Well, those people are right.
To this date, there have been 237.8 assassination attempts on Piers Morgan on the Britain's Got Talent set, and Piers has almost died around 4,513 times after slipping into smugness-induced comas on set.
Relationship with Cliff Richard
Piers used his fake English passport, (created with the help of a Paint Shop Pro X Trial code and photoshop) to travel to the home of none other than Cliff Richard (World tennis champion 1967 - Present day) to film a hard-hitting documentry for ITV depicting the life of a lonely, middle-aged tennis player contemplating gender reassignment surgery. The documentary is the first in a string of 'at home with..' shows starring Mr Morgan. Among the rumoured future 'at home with' concepts are:
- At home with the Elephant Man
- At home with Bin Laden (Cancelled owing to unspecified reasons)
- At home with Jesus
At home with Princess Diana- (Cancelled owing to unspecified reasons)
- At home with the homeless
- At home with Robert Mugabe
- At home with your mum
- At home with the KKK
- At home with a grand's worth of heroin, a Joy Division album and a loaded gun.
- At home with a Full Sized Mirror, Kleenex, KY jelly and a Genesis Album.
'Approximately 20,000,000,000 viewers tuned in to watch Piers get his arse handed to him in a game of tennis by cheeky chappy Cliff Richard', states the head spokesman of ITV in a recent newspaper interview.
Piers recently revealed via the Offical Piers Morgan Fansite (Created, managed and used only by Piers himself) that he has signed a deal with a prestigious book publisher, which has agreed to publish the life and times of Piers with the help of Microsoft Word and a printer. It is unknown at this time what the title of the book will be; however, internet leaks have narrowed down the list of options to the following:
- 'Piers-ed off'
- 'The Night I Went to the Pub and got Piers-ed'
- 'Me and my Little Red Buzzer'
- 'Me, Myself, and the Wonga Fruit Tree'
- 'Nose Piers-ing'
- 'Ear Piers-ing'
- 'Simon Cowell is a prick.'
- Piers-ing screams (features Susan Boyle)
- Goittres and me, how i took on George Lucas and won.
- Marina Hide, bird watching at an RSPB sanctuary in Hampshire.
- 'I'm not worth my own weight in shit'
Well, it's not happened yet, but it'll be soon, perhaps tomorrow, or maybe the next day, only time will tell. Mark my words...
The United Nations has decreed this day shall subsequently be an annual universal bank holiday.