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“Pilots increase global warming, whereas pirates decrease it.”

A group of Pilots in their natural habitat.

Pilots (not to be confused with pielets (small tarts found in tiny liquor stores) or poolets (fashion outlets dedicated to selling human faeces alongside brand-name products)) can often be sighted in and around airports, gay bars and foreign brothels. Usually in that order. Rumored to fly planes, in reality, air navigators usually get shafted with that task. Please do not feed the animals. When the animals are fed it causes an increased risk of injury to both the animal and the flying machine, as the animal is able to then perform metabolic activities, which are not advised in planes.

A common misconception is that pilots cannot experience human emotions such as intimacy and friendship. Pilots have these feelings, but not for other people. Some have deep regards for gladiators; others express affection by wanting to "fly into a mountain" or maneuver "a train into a tunnel." The prime example, Top Gun combines a shallow plot and ponderous gay innuendo, but should have been gaily consigned to a shallow grave.

Being a pilot is a very stressful career and can often lead some to face a BIG, BIG problem. In December 1988, a pilot of a Boeing 747 flying over Lockerbie in Scotland suffered so much stress that his head suddenly exploded. The head explosion was so powerful, it caused the aircraft to break up and crash into suburbia. Pilots have since been tested for any signs of the SEHS syndrome. Air traffic control personnel are now being tested for this after a stressful afternoon at JFK Airport, which at one point became so stressful, the whole team of air traffic controllers' heads exploded simultaneously.

If you want to be a pilot there are many things you must be able to do:

  • lick your elbow
  • talk solely about piloting and planes for the rest of your life
  • allow small children to enter your cockpit
  • find something wrong or perceived to be wrong with everything

Pilots in History[edit]

There have been famous pilots throughout history, such as Dumbo, Baloo, Snoopy, Pontious and Billy Bishop, but all were killed when the Red Baron, a formerly unheard of Venezuelan logistics private in the air force, raided their beachfront hotel. He is also a pilot. If you see one, do not feed it.

The Everyday Life of the Pilot[edit]

When not pretending to fly airplanes and manipulating flight attendants seated in their laps, pilots affect normal lives. First year regional First Officers first receive instruction resulting at first in staggering debts. The pilots graduate to staggering between pubs begging derelicts for free beer. Fighter pilots know they are gods and aren't afraid to show it. Many have actually spontaneously imploded when a potential lay downright refused their "happy copilot." Their motto: Please don't feel the enemas. However, they have a nasty tendency to get into a ground scuffle due to their arrogant tendencies, because they are absolutely useless out of their fancy flying toys, they tend to die on the ground, in fact, all reported fighter pilot losses were from friendly fire when they were off duty and always involved a tank crew.

Common Pilot Behaviors[edit]

taking it in the rear. dirty sancheaz's and rusty trombone's. chasing unerage kids just to to talk with so they seem smart. ops sucks!

How can you tell..[edit]

...if somebody's a pilot? Large gut, big watch and he puts everything on Visa.

...there's a pilot at a party? He's just that damm anoying guy in the corner hitting on the 15yr old.

...there's a pilot in the bar? He will tell you.

See also[edit]