From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
(Redirected from Pineapple)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Pineapples.

A Pineapple is a fruit that is created by planting the seeds of a pine tree and an iPods together. Pineapple, poopious butious, is believed to be the main food source of pirates. The fruit is also the currency of Bolivia and of Tropico. Moreover Pineapple is also one of the two main ingredients in Hawaiians. The fruit is universially accepted to be the most comical of all the fruits with the exception of Dale Winton who is fabulously hilarious.


Yep, even Wikipedia is a pinenapple!

The design for a basic pineapple, ananas comosus - also referred to as residence of Spongebob, bears its origin from a conversation between God and Tom Cruise. While Tom Cruise (F.A.G) was exploring the intriguing field scientology God's mind was every now and then more occupied with fruit design. Insane preachings of the scientology prophet inspired God to create the masterpiece of all fruits. The next creation was pineapple.

It is a widely shared belief among scholars that civilization's first contact with pineapples was around 1500 a.d. as it was utilised as a weapon of mass destruction by pirates, who learned to use the supernatural powers that pineapples possess. Empirical evidence indicates that a common practise among pirates was to load their vessels with pineapples and use the fruits in battles. This was mainly due to pineapple's superior qualities as energising nourishment and deadly weapon. Pineapple battles lasted for days and usually resulted in severe allergic reactions. Even cannons date back to the precannonball time of pineapple fights.

Pineapples are also known for gay people

Pineapples in the Underwater Real Estate Market[edit]

The current residence of Spongebob Squarepants, CEO of NASA.

Although the pineapple may be the miraculous cure for cancers of the gallbladder, it also serves the purpose of a residence under the ocean. Pineapples have been used as housing for underwater sentient life since the dawn of pineapple-hood. The market for pineapple housing is extremely popular in the region of Bikini Bottom. People who currently live in a pineapple under the sea include:

  • Chuck Norris
  • Janet Jackson
  • Katie Curic
  • Spongebob Squarepants
  • Your neighbor's dog
  • Nuerosurgeons
  • The President of Burkina Faso

Pineapple houses cost generally around 500,000 to 650,000 Canadian dollars; which means they are practically free. There are also custom-built pineapple houses, although these houses can only be acquired from genetic fruit companies, such as Boeing and Microsoft.

The Fruit Joke[edit]

Four men are in a contest. The winner of the contest gets all the monney in my pocket (62 cents). To win this great prize they have to undergo a great challenge, but if they fail, they will be instantly killed. The four men are given fruits and they have to stuff them up their noses without making any noise or showing a facial expresion.

The first man gets three apples. He puts the first to in, then makes a face and is killed. The second guy has two bananas and two avacodos. He squeels in pain and dies. The third guy has pitless cherries with no stems. he puts eight out of nine in when he starts cracking up with laughter and is killed.

When he goes to heaven, an angel says "why'd you give up, you almost won?". The man replies "I started laughing because the next guy, the last contestant, had ten pineapples.

That last contestant is rummored to be none other than Paris Hilton. You will never look at a pineapple with a straight face again.

Essential Information About Pineapples[edit]

  • There have been reports of a "Giant Pineapple" stalking the streets of Bejing at night. Locals call this ferocious beats "El Pinoapplo". Scientist Believe it may be a mutant caused by the constant solar radiation all earth organisms are exposed to. There has been no proof for the existence of such a pineapple save for a few photographs. The child emperor of china has dispachted his best ninja's to get to the bottom of this. (Update November 2005: Only one ninja has returned alive, but has been unable to speak of his ordeal.)
  • A gay rights group known as Al-Quaida are planning to make "Pineapple" a full blown swear word. Their latest plan is to create a parody of Finding Nemo which is X rated for extreme coarse language. Most Adjectives have been replaced with the word "Pineappling"
  • Professional theorists claim that due to unique creation circumstances, pineapples can be used to predict the flow of time and space. The theory is proven by the fact that Nostradamus is shown gazing into a pineapple on one of Leonardo Da Vinci's earliest paitings.
  • Pineapples can also be utilized to control the flow of time and space. This property lead to the use of pineapples instead of dilithium crystals in the warp core of star ships in the Evil Galactic Empire. This knowledge was later exploited in the first episode of a new season of a certain popular sci-fi tv show (name withheld due to copyright issues) in an episode considered so horrible, it was worlwidely banned from airing. Moreover it resulted in the discontinuation and subsiquent destruction of all copies of the proposed plot pilot.
  • Recent studies strongly imply that pineapples, despite popular belief, do NOT grow on trees. The fruit grows underwater, homed to some of the most rarest squarest seasponge. Pineapples need to be mined using a pistol as shown below:
  • When Mining Pineapples, it is best to use a flamethrower or Molotov Cocktail, this enhances the taste and the axioniomability of the prospective fruit. This technique is applicable to other forms of fruit mining such as apples, grapes and gonadoberries.
  • George Michael loves pineapples.
  • Vader also loves pineapples.
  • Pineapples also like tacos. Nobody knows why.
  • Pineapples contain; 36.5% Pine tree, 52.5% Apples, but also has 11% Michael Jackson's Nose.
  • A variety of pineapples are space fairing.
  • Pineapples are worth more than several precious gems such as emeralds ruby and diamonds (or at least that's what harvest moon tells me)

  • Wow idiot... I said pineapple not pinecone, well your a pineshit!

Pino-Bananian War[edit]

Many centuries ago, the globe had two different species of pineapples. There was Pineapples, a sentient race of beings and pineapples a genetically inferior sub-race. This article will focuse on the history of Pineapples.

After being hunted down to the brinck of extinction and undergoing years of oppression the most courageous and intelligent of the Pineapples formulated a plan to flee the planet earth. The excape plan was a success, although required 20 years of hard work: the pineapples managed to create pine-ship, the first ever known space ship. The success of their plan didn't stop here - the Pineapples rose soon to become a great galactic Imperium. However, after a decade they met another space fairing Species announcing themselves as the Banana Republic.

The war between Pineapple Imperium and Banana Republic lasted nearly a century and is still renowned for its unusual brutality. The Pineapples were Victorious and after the cessation of hostilities the bananas were banished to the planet earth where they are bred and hunted in captivity by Humanity.

The now powerful space fairing Pineapple race liberated the remaining pineapples from humanity, leaving a genetically defective sub-race of pineapple in their stead to take the place of their oppressed brethren.

Discovery of the pineapple[edit]

During Robinson Crusoe's island ordeal off the coast of Canada, he discovered a pineapple in possession of one of the island natives he brutally murdered. After he managed to make sense of the ticket machines operation procedures he got a ticket back to the USA and he smuggled the pineapple back into his home country. He got a parade in the streets of New York together with Lance Armstrong who just returned from his lunar mission in 1969.


The Pineapple has one of the most unusual tastes of all fruits. When consuming the fruit fresh off the tree it is a bloody and prickly experience. However, after having taken the skin off pineapple tastes mainly sweet.

Trivial Trivia about the Pineapple[edit]

  • After being hollowed out, the discarded pineapple husk is a common dwelling for the sentient variety of steel wool, particularly when under water.
  • Pineapples are often used as a contraceptive. The fruit is inserted deep into the vagina of the woman prior to sex. When the male ejaculates inside her the sperm feast upon the fruit, becoming too fat and lethargic to reach the egg. N.B. If the man tries to do the insertion he will invariably get the end wrong and there will be hell to pay and she will not ask him to have sex with her again.
  • It is important to note that les ananas ne parlent pas

Later discovered, the pineapple was found to have very dolphin-like qualitites. It is said that it can communicate to other pineapples with a type of echolocation, or as some call it, Joe. In some cases, some scientists have even found large yellow and purple snorkels inside, another dolphin like quality. For those who have tasted pineapple, you will know what certain aquatic mammal it reminds you of my pants.

  • When threatened, wild South American pineapples are known to scream "SCHEMA!" to warn fellow pineapples. It has been suggested, by some researchers that pineapples can't actually talk.

In the Dark Ages, there were no pineapples anywhere.

  • Pineapples were a form of propaganda used by the Hawaiian Navy in World War II. It has seen use as symbols for Hawaiian Gangs around the world in recent years.

Pineapples of Wrath