Pirate v. Ninja

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“Though it is clear to me which side should win the case of Pirate v. Ninja, I am within the Rape Radius of both a Pirate and a Ninja, and thusly cannot take a side for fear of my demise. Ok, good. Now that that's over with, we're off the record, right? Pirates totally kick Ninjas ass. Wait... Waitaminute... what're you doing? Stop writing! You said we were off the record! Oh, god, this is bad, this is bad, this is very very bad, oh shit I'm so screwed, seriously, this is bad bad ba--ungh.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Pirate v. Ninja
Fredrick J. Ninja, one of the Ninjas present at the ruling


Pirate v. Ninja was a landmark Supreme Court decision in the United States of Awesometude. The case was, as the name implies, a lawsuit between the Pirate and Ninja organizations. The result would determine which group of awesome beings would be considered more awesome for all eternity, and set a precedent for future cases in which the awesometude of two things would be compared.

Background of the Case[edit]

The conflict began in the year 1336 when one ninja, "Alan E. Ninja"*, snuck aboard a pirate ship, the S.S. Rapemobile, docked in Wanghai, Japan. He hid aboard the ship until the vessel was a safe distance from shore, then, as the crew went to sleep, snuck out from hiding and broke the necks of several pirates. When he snuck into the captain's quarters, he took the ship's captain, "Douglas Z. Pirate"* as a hostage, and refused to free him until he would admit that ninjas were, in fact, more awesome and generally cooler than pirates. Douglas immediately ran Alan through with his trusty cutlass, and set fire to the late ninja's dojo. Supporters of both sides argued intensely, until the entire debacle was brought before the USSC.


*Not their real names

The Decision[edit]

The jury called upon for the case was the American Justice Coalition. After listening to all evidence and seeing several films and demonstrations, the decision came down to a four-four vote, and in the end, Oprah called upon the wisdom of the great sage, Howard Stern, who resolved the vote by declaring that pirates and ninjas are both equal and opposite, superior to all but a Ninja Pirate (or a Pirate Ninja or Sidell Mask).

Favoring Opinions[edit]

On the favoring side, Supreme Court Justices Scaley, Ginsbeer, Zombie Rainquest, and Theregod existed. The majority's opinion was originally written by Zombie Rainquest, but the page was too spattered with human brains and flesh to be read, so Justice Ginsbeer wrote the opinion.

As it stands, the pirates' irresponsible rampage was, as stated in aforementioned subcoordinating clause, irresponsible. However, because the rate at which Pirates can command pwnage, as calculated by our own AI computers, at a much larger scale than ninjas. Whilst the ninjas command a deadly arsenal of 'Mad Skillz', it has been proven that pirates have a much wider Rape Radius, therefore the case was indefinitely leaning towards them. Subclause F combined with aforementioned Panda while used in consequence with a blowtorch proves the correctness and righteousness of such a grandiloquent and bombastic decision.

However, the in-court fight scene was very well done, kudos to the ninjas for their superb use of lens flare and motion blurs.

The ninjas then killed all 4 Justices, because they "wanted to."

Dissenting Opinions[edit]

In dissent stood Justices Sevens, Souther, Kidney, and Brayer. Justice O'Conan did not show up for work that day, and was the only survivor. Brayer was the only amazing racer.

The opinion was written by Kidney, and promptly eaten by Sevens. With nothing else to go by, Brayers quickly improvised a speech.

Greetings, my fellow Americans. Today, we have established a precendent like none other. With the help of the Great Sage, we have laid to rest an historic challenge that has plagued our society for generations. Now that ninja-marriages are legal--Oh, what's that? That was last week's case? Sorry, Souther's hand writing resembles that of a chicken scratch. As I was saying, it is with great pride I bestow the honor of equality upon the ninja and pirate groups, and offer this reasoning for our vote for ninjas.

As you can clearly see, ninjas...are civilized. Yes, very much so. Wasn't Sean Connery a ninja? And how many pirates can you name? I mean, the decision is pretty obvious to anyone with half a brain. Pirates have a quarter of a brain, as the study by PETA shows, so they're retarded; that is that.

Now, if someone in the audience will give me a name of a place, and someone else give me a name of a commonly eaten foodstuff. And can I get then entire front row to come up and join me on stage?

The entire front row was full of pirates, and all 4 dissenters got what was coming to them. Ironically the Pirates invented a new type of gun to kill them with in 5 seconds proving them wrong.

The Cowboy[edit]

And then a cowboy walked in, and everyone stared.

“ That Cowboy really had no business being here”

~ Captain Obvious on the Cowboy

Shortly afterward, everyone in the court ran at the bastard lightning fast and kicked the cowboy and his honky-tonk ass.

The Amazon[edit]

Then an Amazon came in and and everone asked her out.

Effects of the Case[edit]

After the case, Ninjas were forever considered equal to Pirates in every way. Ninjas and Pirates were declared above the law, and could kill as they please. For legal damages, the Ninjas acquired the S.S. Rapemobile from the Pirates. They attached magical wings to the ship and flew around wherever they pleased in their new ship. While many people, especially in the South, continue to claim that pirates are cooler than ninjas, or vice versa, Ninjas and Pirates are now legally considered interchangeable in their awesomeness. Barney's Scale of Super-De-Duper Popularity has been altered to allow for both to occupy equal slots on the list, ranking just after Jessica Alba-related Pornography.

Now years later, Pirate-Ninja marriages are almost socially acceptable. Some marry for love, some for fame, and others to create the most incredibly powerful and awesome being alive. The idea first became popular when a Pirate and Ninja couple were featured on the show Kim Possible, as the title character's parents. It may be years still before a pirate can marry a ninja and not be frowned upon by those who believe it's only a perverse lust for power, but this case truly helped the cause.

This case was largely responsible for the Pirate-Ninja War of 1345.

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External Links[edit]


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