Pittsburgh Pirates

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

“Arrrrrr! Garrett Jones is on the plank, Andrew McCutchen is on the poop deck, and Andy LaRoche is in the hole. Arrrrrr!”

~ Oscar Wilde on the Pirates' batting order (possibly)

“Actually, I could do with a Jolly Rogering about now.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Flag Waving

“Bend over matey, I'll make ya airtight! Arrrrrr!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Buoyancy

“EPIC FAIL!”

~ Everybody on every season the Pirates have had since 1992

“IN SOVIET RUSSIA, PIRATES NOT SUCK!”

~ Russian Reversal on the Pittsburgh Pirates

“Shut the fuck up, at least we have the Steelers and Penguins.”

~ Typical person from Pittsburgh on their excuse for a professional baseball team

“Okay, at least we have the Penguins.”

~ Same person from above after 2009 NFL season


The name Pittsburgh Pirates refers to both the athletic club and the alumni of Pirate University (Pittsburgh)—a major league academic institution dedicated to the furtherance of piracy arts and sciences, and the preservation of pirate heritage into the 21st century.

A second campus, Pirate University Tampa Bay, opened in 1976—on the 100th Anniversary of the Institution—due to the renewed interest in organized depredation, though for the purpose of distinction their graduates are known as Buccaneers.

Pirate University - School of Piracy

Founding[edit]

Pirate University was originally a training camp established in 1876 by Oswald Rice, in response to the diminishing number of pirates worldwide. For lack of a better plan, Rice visited the local chapter of the YMCA in search of a few good men for his new venture.

Fortunately for him, many of those he approached were ambivalent about spirituality, and were more interested in opportunities for fun, companionship, and a bit of sport. The lure of raping, pillaging, and extended nautical voyages in cramped quarters with scores of sweaty, nameless, faceless strangers proved only too enticing to their moral and sexual ambiguousness.

By 1882, Rice decided to forgo further seafaring in favour of life as a landlubber, full-time. Historical accounts disagree as to the rationale for his change of heart. Rice's personal memoirs relate that after a time, the routine of plunder, marauding and despoilation with the same recruits became too tiring. His writings suggest that he felt that by formalizing his training program into a school, he could pass along his wealth of experience to whole new generations of future pirates. However, the personal diaries of a number of former crew indicate something more sinister was at work. Mutiny.

It appears that in the latter campaigns, increasing numbers within the ranks refused to submit to Rice's direct orders. While the reasons are not spelled out, the subtext strongly hints that Rice's motivations in starting a school had less to do with sharing his experiences, than it did with sharing his personal collection of many varied social diseases with a new and unsuspecting population.

Pirate University is proud to carry on the spirit and traditions of Mr. Rice, and it is in his memory that the sacred initiation ceremony—The Jolly Roger—is carried on.

Admission and Program Requirements[edit]

The Pirate University main campus in Pittsburgh, PA. Critics once noted that its extreme distance from the Atlantic Ocean made it a poor location choice. University officials dismissed them as "...limp wristed pansies, too weak to portage an inflatable dingy." before dispatching a group of second-year students to hunt them down, one at a time, as part of a class project. Subsequent media coverage of the school has been unanimously favourable.

Interested candidates are required to have a casual attitude about the value of human life, and other widely embraced social norms such as the importance of honesty, hard work, compassion, forgiveness, and sympathy. Previous experience in wanton acts of cruelty is highly desirable, though applicants with an academic understanding of seminal works of philosophy, such as Niccolò Machiavelli's The Prince will also be considered.

Candidates are assumed to possess (or agree to obtain prior to orientation) relevant tools of the trade, including but not limited to: a parrot (mandatory), a hook (preferably only on one hand), an eyepatch (preferably only on one eye), a stump leg (optional), a peg leg (on the aforementioned stump(s)), bandanas (optional), pistols (recommended), a cutlass (recommended), menacing facial scars (almost certain to be received, if not already possessed), a curly moustache, and a pirate hat (required, and available for purchase at our "Pirates Of The Caribbean Bookstore and Gift Shoppe").

Coursework[edit]

Academic Standards[edit]

Students seeking the Bachelor of Piracy degree need to pass each of the following courses with no less than a grade of P, and maintain an R average overall. Those who fail to meet academic requirements are thereafter ineligible for the Bachelor degree, but may elect to transfer accumulated credits toward a Diploma in Banditry (1 year) or a Certificate in Pillaging (6 months).

Grade Rating Comments
AAAAAAAAA! Exceptional Shiver me timbers, ye shall be the terror of the high seas!
R Excellent Well done, matey!
P Meets expectations Aye. A pirate ye be.
W Needs improvement Shape up or ship out, and shark fodder ye shall be, plankwalker.
X Fail Marks the spot where ye bones do we bury.

Core Competencies[edit]

YEAR ONE

  • PRT 1003: Curly Moustache Growing — Students will demonstrate a basic proficiency in the care and cultivation of upper lip hair. Three month evaluation period. Five months for lady pirates.
  • PRT 1004: Introduction to Head Wear — Basics covered include earring selection and a discussion of scarves versus large raffish hats.
  • PRT 1107: Parrot Care & Feeding — Students will obtain understanding and utilization of the theory and technique of avian care, including minor veterinary medicine. Final exam consists of student's bird being clubbed. Pass/fail course.
  • PRT 1209: Approved Sea Shanties — Actual singing talent not required. Students are graded on overall presentation including lyric memory, fear-inducement, and improvisation while drunk.
  • PRT 1305: Language Arts — Choose from Arrr, Arrrrrr or Arrrrrrrrr. Final exam is by way of individual student presentations of original monologues that utilize classic pirate phrases and those of the student's own invention.

YEAR TWO

  • PRT 2101: Booty Pilfering — Students will develop skills in treasure location, campaign planning, and actual larcency. Final exam is conducted live in the field. Pass/fail.
  • PRT 2203: Timber Shivering — Students will develop advanced proficiency in sailing, mast and sail repair, crows nest use, and spyglass surveillance. Prerequisite course for Ship Scuttling.
  • PRT 2204: Ship Scuttling — Advanced skills in attacking and other vessels are the objective of this course, including: cannon firing, rope swinging, sail cutting, sword fighting and plank walking.
  • PRT 2308: Accounting — Basic and intermediate swag management are covered in detail including the unfair disbursement of Pieces of Eight, Dubloons, jewelry, and other varieties of booty.
  • PRT 2401: Visual Acuity Training — This course instructs the student in the proper use of eyewear, ie; eyepatch. Students will learn how to locate other vessels on the horizon as this correlates directly to the health/wealth of the pirate-to-be. NOTE: An advanced course is being considered, Pirate Psychic Ability , this will apply to students who have mastered the art of wearing two eyepatches.

Honours Program[edit]

Students with an AAAAAAAAA! average have the option (in their second year) of pursuing an undergraduate level thesis with the assistance of a senior faculty advisor. Some topics in recent years have included:

Bob, B. B. (2001). New psychotherapeutic interventions in coping with quadruple amputation

phantom limb pain. Unpublished undergraduate thesis, Pirate University, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania,
USA.

Kahplah, K. W. (2002). Best served cold?: An analysis of the validity of traditional assumptions

about revenge satisfaction. Unpublished undergraduate thesis, Pirate University, Pittsburgh,
Pennsylvania, USA.

Mhaille, C. (2004). Tensile strength and flexibility considerations in plank material selection

and manufacturing. Unpublished undergraduate thesis, Pirate University, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania,
USA.
Major League Baseball
AC East Central West
Baltimore Orioles Chicago White Sox Los Angeles Angels
Boston Red Sox Cleveland Indians Oakland Athletics
New York Yankees Detroit Tigers Seattle Mariners
Tampa Bay Rays Kansas City Royals Texas Rangers
Toronto Blue Jays Minnesota Twins
NC East Central West
Atlanta Braves Chicago Cubs Arizona Diamondbacks
Florida Marlins Cincinnati Reds Colorado Rockies
New York Mets Houston Astros Los Angeles Dodgers
Philadelphia Phillies Milwaukee Brewers San Diego Padres
Washington Nationals Pittsburgh Pirates San Francisco Giants
St. Louis Cardinals