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“What time is it?”
“Why do they cut it into slices ?”
“This article is about pizza.”
This is the Greatest Food of All Time. Cr1tical/Penguinz0 on the article
Pizza, AKA flat loaves of bread covered in cheese, tomato sauce, pepperonis, etc., was invented by the Italians to prevent the wasting of perfectly good food, like eggshells. It was well known in those times that "pie are square". However, the Ancient Roman Dubious Flatulus, in trying to mathematically work out the area of a circle, and thus discover the value of pi, invented a round pizza. Thus began the "pie are round" vs. "pie are square" controversy which rages to this day. The name pizza is a corruption of the Latin phrase Veni, Vidi, Pedimunch, which translated to English roughly means "I came, I saw, this tastes like feet." This was a common complaint of ancient mathematicians, except for those who enjoyed the taste of feet, who intended the statement as a compliment.
The recipe for Roman round pizza was lost sometime after the fall of Romania to some Vandals who sacked the city because the wrong pies got delivered to their dorm. Fragmentary evidence suggests lamprey eel and dormice were popular toppings.
First known example
It is universally accepted that pizza originated in China. The modern form of pizza, along with the five cheese stuffed crust variety, was invented by Confucius in 510 BC. However, the earliest archaeological evidence is from Pompeii. Archaeologists digging at Pompeii have discovered pizza ovens which seemed designed to produce both square and round pies. Several pies have actually been found among the remains of the citizens of Pompeii. Oddly, these pies had toppings on the bottom and the crust on top. Some researchers have suggested the pizzas may have actually been made in the usual fashion and then were simply toppled at some point, such as during The Giant Fucking Eruption of Vesuvius, but this theory remains controversial. There is also the long time controversial theory that pizza was invented by an ages-old common ancestor of ninja turtles and mutant beardy rats, but that's yet to be proven.
If you live in a nation that has food, modern pizza is likely available in a bewildering array of varieties, none of which is interesting enough to mention here. Toppings can range from the extra-ordinary pepperoni/salami to something exotic, like octopus semen with crickets.
Though not technically food, frozen pizza is extremely popular among single men who have no friends, and also popular to French Culinary school dropouts. Such men often drive Rapist vans and live in their parents' basements where they work feverishly on their manifestos. Some of these men gather together in support groups called Pizza Huts to discuss new frozen pizzas, and to generally not have dates and not procreate. The only downfall to finding it everywhere is that its not at mcdonalds, burger king or even wendys. Calab Custer is not that amazing. Yet gets more woman than Adam Kiser. Only when Calab dreams about Adam in pink bunny suits sipping cold tea on a hot summers day. Ahhhhhhh yeahhhhhh get some, to bad Calabs not! Cept in his dreams about Adam he is.
Religious scholars (aka those opposed to Science), claim that pizza's history goes back to when Jesus skipped lunch in the desert, and Satan tried to tempt him with a delicious pizza with five toppings of Jesus's choice. Reportedly, Jesus declined all toppings, and thus the plain old communion wafer was born. Boredom with vanilla wafers eventually led to priests having unsupervised butt-sex with alter boys, but this type of behavior is generally frowned upon and is highly regulated today by the UTubeTrollPolice, who likes pizza but despises the biscuit.
Pizza the Hut is the pizza of the future. He was baked by Chef Boy-R-Dee-Dee-Dee the Penguin as a way for really fat people to eat pizza without getting up their fat asses from their hover couches. But Pizza the Hut got too smart for Dee-Dee-Dee and ate him for dinner. Pizza then got into Dee-Dee-Dee's bank account and became a African Ass-Scratcher. After he loaned money to Lone Star and his fat mutant dog Barf, he waited in his Carrage. After waiting two hours in his limo, he ate himself to death. Yum!
Modern Pizza Distros
Whilst most modern pizzas are cheese and dough-based there are some variations. Types of pizza include:
- Deep pan traditional
- Thin base
- gluten-free pizza
- Goat cheese pizza
- Food Babe's ORGANIC SWEET POTATO GOAT CHEESE PIZZA (fuck dat shit XD)
- Pasta Pizza (Macaroni, Ravioli, Baked Ziti, penne, you name it with extra parmesan and SAUS)
- Octopus Semen/Squid Ink
- Deep-fried and wrapped around a hot dog (obesity at it's finest. XD) served in Thai food stands
- Penguin Meat (banned in Dreamland as the King is King Dedede, a penguin himself)
- Calzone (flipped)
- Puke Pizza ( disposal of swine flu in victums puke)
- Cold Pizza
- Pop-Tart Pizza
- Antipizza (this in response to upmarket Italian eateries offering Antipasta)
- Llama Pizza (illegal in most countries)
- Grease Pizza
- Fanny Juice or the even higher-quality Wiener Juice
- Tentacle of Kthulu Pizza
- Yaks Blood and Heroin Pizza
- Pizza the Hut / John teh Culinary Baptist
- Tentacle of Kthulu Pizza 2.0
- Hair of Somalian Pirate Pizza
- Cheeze (a.k.a best motherfuckin' pizza topping ever)
- Freddy Fazbear's Pizza (you REALLY Don't want to try this place out.)
Pizzas are also used by orientalised American ninjas as giant shurikens for Jack Black movies. Note: In Soviet Russia, pizza eats you.
|• • I T A L Y • •|
|Rome • Venice • Florence • Bologna • Kingdom of the Two Sicilies • Pisa • Vatican City • Paneveggio • Grimsby • Portofino|
|Alighieri • Mussolini • Berlusconi • da Vinci • Machiavelli • Michelangelo • Corleone • Vespucci • Boyardee • CheddarBBQ|
|Pizza • Pasta • Alfredo • Spaghetti • Worms • Genitalia|