Pizza the Hutt

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Pizzy at the time when he threatened Lone Starr. He never got his one-million spacebucks.

Pizza the Hutt a.k.a. "Pizzy", born June 6, 1957, is the not-so-well known younger brother of the more famous Jabba the Hutt, possibly because young Pizzy was made of pizza, and he was always getting cheese on the floor. It is because of this condition that he decided to just stay at home all day so the janitors wouldn't yell at him for spilling food everywhere. Pizzy also has another brother, Atilla The Hutt, who would often visit Pizzy every once in a while. Since Jabba had been exiled to some foreign planet for unknown reasons, Jabba didn't play a big role in Pizza's childhood.

Life[edit]

When Pizza was 20 he left his parents' house (for the first time in 15 years) to become one of the most feared space-gang leaders of all time. For years he ruled spacetime with all the ferocity of a rampaging mozzarella. He finally met his match, however, when he threatened Lone Starr and Barf with a trip to The Big Oven if they didn't get their 1 million spacebucks to him in 24 hours. The two heroes cunningly peppered him with projectiles from a roasted-jalapeño submachine gun, and Pizza retreated with his tastebuds scorched.

Not long after that Pizza the Hutt died when he was accidentally locked inside a Mercedes limo by his Wookie chauffeur and ate half of his own body. His corpse, still covered in tomato sauce, was hardly cold when Witches and Practicers of Black Magic broke into the refrigerator and stole it. These cunning beings, sometimes known as "chefs", revived Pizza the Hutt to be the new leader of their cult. After becoming revivified, Hutt sat up in his cardboard coffin and embraced the chefs. The chefs had a new leader, and their cult soon became known as Pizza Hut. The cult grew and grew, and now it can be found on street corners everywhere selling Pizza (they were really creative with the name, don't you think?) and trying to get others to join the cult. His very unconventional death became such a legend that a poem was created (author unknown) about it, called "Pizza Poem", which became well-known across half the galaxy.

Pizza Today.



Much to his brother Jabba's dismay
Pizza the Hutt ate himself one day.
He didn't stop to say his grace,
He just sat down and ate his face.

"We can't have this", his bro' declared,
"If that Pizza's ate, he should be shared."

But even as he spoke they saw
Pizza eating more and more:
First his legs and then his thighs,
His arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...

"Stop him someone!" Jabba cried
"Those eyeballs would be better fried!"

But all too late, for they were gone,
And he had started on his dong...

"Oh! foolish bro'!", Jabba mourns;
"You could have deep-fried that with prawns,
Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."

But P. was on his second course:
His liver and his lights and lung,
His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue;

"To think I raised him from the cot
And now he's going to scoff the lot!"

His Brother cried:
"What shall we do?
What's left won't even make a stew..."

And as he wept, his bro' was seen
To eat his head, his heart, his spleen.
And there he lay: a Hutt no more,
Just a slice, on the floor...
None the less, since it was his,
Jabba ate it – that's what Pizza is.

Successor to the Throne...Abdicates[edit]

Pizzy is happily married to Henrietta The Chicken. They have one son, Jack, who was the heir to Pizza Hut but he ran away from home in 2001 when his personal deformity -- a giant ping-pong ball for a head -- became an embarrassment. (Pizza would ask Henrietta, "Are you sure no one swapped babies when you were in the hospital?" and Jack would run out of the room weeping furiously.) Jack hasn't had any contact with either of his parents since then. Jack has started his own chain of fast food restaurants called Jack in the Box.

What Next?[edit]

Now only one question remains to be answered: What's next for Pizza the Hutt? Well it's quite easy to answer that one. He will probably die and go to Hell where he will be cooked and eaten by really old crazy people with goat heads. What about his cult? Well, with Jack gone, he has no heir to carry on the family business, so he will probably leave it to his favorite brother, Attila the Bun (previously known as Attila the Hun).