Plank's constant

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Plank's constant is important in the theory of quantum mechanics. It is usually measured by comparing the distance a Cheshire Cat jumps when it receives a jolt up the ass with a cattle prod, and the dimensionless ratio of this distance to the distance that an average researcher will walk down a Plank before panicking and jumping from a pirate ship into angry shark infested waters.

Thus Plank's constant is a fact of quantum physics, and animal rights groups zealously keep track of its value, to a degree of precision no less than the ennumeration of the U.S. national debt. It was first discovered by Jolly Roger, who felt no need to measure it, for it was determined that the shorter the Plank, the faster a man can be made to jump, therefore the "best Plank is no Plank at all."

This is of course a physcial impossibility, since a man who refuses to jump into shark infested waters will inevitably act as if the deck upon which he stands is the "plank", and this firmly connects the mininum length of the Plank with his shoe size, which in quantum mechanics is linked with the number nine.

Thus Plank's constant is the basic measuring rod for the universe, which determines that there is always some uncertainty, otherwise the universe would be unfunny, and the sharks would never get fed.

In the early 1900's a man named Max Plank tried to claim credit for discovering the theory of the plank. Naturualy he advocated the use of a maximum length plank instead of a shorter plank. This was met with harsh criticism by the pirate and the science community, which finally decided that an infinite length plank would be acceptable only if it was made as thin as a piece of string, allowing the plank's constant to remain a constant, not according to the length of the plank, which can now be infinite, but according to the volume, i.e. as length multiplied by cross sectional area.

Dissidents can thus be forced to walk a short plank, to their eventual demise, or to walk a very long tight rope, i.e. a string, to their similar dimise. Either way, they are doomed, with the remaining that they are doomed being the element of when they fall, as opposed to where.

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