Plano, Texas

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“Plano gave me cancer.”

~ Lance Armstrong on Plano

“I drank your mocha latte!”

~ Daniel Day-Lewis on Plano

Plano, Texas is a neighborhood in Dallas where even the black people are rich snobs who drive Hummers. It is located just north of Dallas, Texas, and south of Two Cows, Oklahoma. It has a population of 4,360,000, many of which Ted Turner is planning to kill for his own amusement.

Plano boasts state-of-the-art park and recreation facilities, a booming economy, an excellent water system, and just about everything else, really. They boast about everything. They even have a magazine where they show how awesome they are and how much the women in Allen and Frisco need to shave (they do, really).


I'm obsessed with Nastia Liukin! I'm heading to Plano to invade her gym!

Plano was founded in 1891 by James Naismith, whose wife had just found out he had been cheating on her and needed a place where he would seem normal. Using a piece of tissue paper and a comb, he flew to a remote area of Texas, where he noticed a bunch of Indians playing a strange game with a ball and a basket. Before the tribe could make it to the nearest patent office, he promptly had sex with each member, and they all died of happiness. Thus began Plano's noble history...

In 1951, Plano was incorporated as a city. It was intended to be named for the Spanish word for kitten huffing, "llano", but the settlers' lack of experience with Spanish (and their unwillingness to ask the Mexicans, which would make them look stupid in comparison and cause the entire town to enter into a rousing chant of "You're stupider than a Mexican! Na na na na NA na!") left them with the current name, which means "much kitten huffing".

Beginning in the 1980s, people from China, India, and even such faraway, mystical lands as Houston flocked to Plano. This was due to an advertising campaign that included subliminal messages; viewers of the ads were brainwashed into moving to Plano, voting for Ronald Reagan, and tolerating Full House. It also encouraged teens to do drugs, resulting in some high school kids dying from cocaine or something, but nobody cares.


The geography of Plano is notable. There are three distinct regions in Plano; Central, East and West. Central Plano is far superior to the other sides because they aren't rich snobs (hmhm west) and aren't poor people (hmhm East). See sports section for further notes. Plano was really made in 1503 by a group of dwarf hunters after being at war with the native giants that lived there they became friends and mated so average height people were born and thus started the human race.

People and Culture[edit]

The mayor of Plano, with a man that's probably not her husband (yes, they have a woman mayor. How embarrassing.)

Plano is mostly white, with a few off-whites and some colors thrown in for the white people's amusement.

The average SPC (Starbucks per street corner) of Plano is 3.57, up .31 from last year.

Despite Plano's nationally acclaimed public school system, most students become construction workers or slaves in the Middle East. Most of the time they are derived monkeys that fling poo towards Dallas's school system, most of the time it will hit Dallas in the face and they will respond by eating it. Frisco is ran by porcelain filled Anti-Christ's.

Everyone in Plano has access to the Internet. This has started what is becoming known as the Ultimate Crusade Against Punctuation, CaPiTaLiZaTiOn, Speleng, and Vwls. FTW.

Plano is known as the Gymnastics Capital of the World. Russian gymnast trainees lives there, Hollie Vise, Carly Patterson, Nastia Liukin and Rebecca Bross have homes there and were trained in Plano for Olympic games. This city is target for pedophiles, millions have been arrested here! Most kids grow to only 4' 8" to 5' 2".


Plano is known for it's many churches, all of which were miniaturized by Brainiac and placed inside a secret copy of the Scofield Reference Bible. (The Scofield Reference Bible was itself written in Plano by Galactic Unitarian Minister Zaphod Scofield, who highlighted in red all acts which he wanted to ask his wife about later.)

Plano is also home to numerous "megachurches," although these are not technically churches, but rather abattoirs. Congregants are enticed inside with delightfully foaming Christbuck's lattes, invited to pass judgement on somebody or whatever, and then made to fiddle with a puzzle box until Pinhead arrives. Or they are alien robots that transform from a church into a cinnabun. I don't really know, and i ain't goin' in to find out.


Plano is home to the most witches and wizards in the world. Secret witch meetings are held often in the Davis Library. Other wizarding includes weekly meetings of Dungeons and Dragons cults, headed by the infamous Mad Molly. (VDVDVD_)


Municipal law requires that everyone in Plano be in a garage band, or use steroids. Refusal to choose is punishable with a sentence of Life in Plano.


See above.

External Links[edit]


Secret murder societies are held in the city hall building in downtown Plano. Fun activities for the whole family! Things like, plots to kill the president, conspiracies, and the kids can join the Kool Kid Killing Klub! So come on down and murder some motherfuckers!