Plant

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“Plants don't move.”

“They're trying to KILL US!!!”

~ Oscar Wilde on being high
This is a plant. Note its plant-like protrusions which are green. Plants are mostly green because they're envious of motile creatures like fish and dogs, which are not green.

Plants are a special group of animals which are known as plants. They are characterised by their green colour, lack of movement and plant-like appearance. Plants are the natural enemy of animals. Proof of plants' evil intent can be seen in various historical Japanese drawings which show plants with tendrils using them on various orifices of young girls, who are usually dressed in schoolgirl outfits. Also they directed "Honey".

Plants are the ultimate masters of deception. It is a proven fact by the top bullshit scientists of the fake country of Blarklarkia that Plants are actually the evil minions of Satan. Every spore, seed, and pollen grain you inhale makes you .00001% more evil. This explains the considerable evil of gays, who do almost nothing but have sex with flowers.

It has been suspected that Rosie O'Donnell is the horrifically mutated offspring of a pine tree and a particularly horny African Bushman. This rumor has yet to be confirmed, but, c'mon, LOOK at her and try to say with a straight face that she doesn't bear a damn close resemblance.

Gardeners are weird because they like plants.

Explanation of the Plant Complex[edit]

Plants are always trying to kill animals. This has been proven to be because plants are whiny little pussies who are jealous of the animals for their gifts of movement and... souls, love, and... stuff like that. Everyone, of course knows that all whiny little pussies will eventually inherit the Earth, which explains the quiet self-confidence of the Amazon and other such rainforests. Some plants, like the Venus fly trap, have also adapted to the carnivorous ways of their rivals the animals. But, since plants have not quite evolved past the state of "stupid", it takes too long for them to digest a human, and is a completely useless evolution. Spencer discovered plants in 1905 on Mars.

Plant Wars[edit]

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away there was a futuristic battle with spaceships, but that had nothing to do with plants. In the distant past of this planet, a little bit after the stone age, there was an epidemic of stone throwing which was destroying the glass houses that people lived in back then. Plants offered to live in a few glass houses to show humans how it was done, and it was agreed to. But the plants refused to leave, and started throwing stones at humans. This became a long and bloody campaign, except for the plants which don't have blood. Some ingenious measures where undertaken on both sides. Plants had spies like bushes that were cut into the shape of animals, and cauliflower which tasted awful. For a long time it seemed plants had the upper hand, but then man invented shears. Oh, and it's also a browser-based game: plantwars.com/

Aftermath[edit]

It was decreed that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but such a decree was unnecessary as, after the victory, architecture moved on from glass houses. Pigs experimented with straw and timber, while people used concrete homes.

Current Defence Measures[edit]

These days one of the major defenses employed against plants is to eat them. Veegetarians are considered national heroes in certain countries because they do nothing but eat plants. Many countries grow "scare fields" - they create an environment that deliberately encourages a certain plant to grow and then kill them, or harvest them, by a variety of clever tortourous methods including chopping them off at the knees...well where the knees would be if they had them. Plant Pathologists are people who invent diseases of plants as a form of biological warfare.

P.T.S[edit]

Also gnome as Plant Teleportation System. Discovered by Proffesor Jakius Clarkius of That Prestigious University all the cool kids are talking about. After accidently attempting to violate a hedge on a visit to a neighbouring school. This man discovered that every single plant in existence is a portal to another plant at some point in time and space in the universe. The exact distance between portals is measured by the Samis-utt-erpea-nutbu-tter law of teleportation. The height of the plant divided by the amount I like the smell of it. The portals unfortunately cannot transport anything dead and cause a chemical anomoly in the brain causing the victim to ask random women if they are Sarah Connor. There is no known cure for this condition and research will continue in Proffesor Clarkius's basement. Foshizzle.

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