“I hear he was a pansy: you know, 'earnest'. Anyway, he's dead and I need another Martini so who gives two shits?”
Plato (born 423 – died 347 BC), whose name means "the Squat One," was a homeless vagrant and occasional self-employed babysitter in ancient Greece who talked to himself all the time (which he called "dialoguing"). He originally used to startle wild hogs, on a purely amateur basis, but quickly gained a small cult following. As his crazy ideas spread across Greece, like every great philosopher he cultivated a sizeable beard and was known for wearing his trademark bed sheet and sandals. Unfortunately on account of his habit of juggling his own severed testicles he was not allowed admission into the School of Philosophy.
Plato also wrote a number of books during his life, including Self-Mutilation for Beginners, Why I Hate Fat People and 1001 Monster Bogey Jokes For Kids. In his most famous work,Why I Hate Republicans, he accurately predicted how the future will be full of fat white guys who fly around the world in private jets lecturing anyone stupid enough to pay them on Global Warming. When not busy on a new blockbusting rollercoaster-ride of thrilling literary genius, he liked to keep his creative motors running by writing angry letters to senior politicians and doing crosswords. He invented syphilis, which he bottled and marketed as a hair-regain tonic, with his business partner and fellow amateur babysitter and close 'special friend' Socrates.
Plato is perhaps best known for his frequent visits to Athens's inner city orphanages and youth clubs, to which he offered his services free of charge (a truly altruistic act, if you ask me). His favourite pastimes were 'Hunt The Philosopher', 'I'm Your Uncle Plato' and 'Twister'.
Typical Platonic dialogue:
Plato: Why won't you suck my toes?- I sucked yours last night.
Socrates: Yet whose feet are farther from the truth?- yours or mine own?
Plato: Ha! You allude to my Parable Of The Toesucker's Sister! Very well, you may continue-
Socrates: Very well. Now were I to submit to your request, as I have before, and shall perhaps again, would it not be true to say that in sensual terms, I would be the sucker and you, Plato, the suckee?
Plato (cautiously) Yeees, I suppose it would-
Socrates: -and would it not also be true to say that as the suckee, yours would be the higher pleasure, mine the lower?
Plato: That's easy- yes!
Socrates: And given that you are my master and therefore bound to instil in me the highest principles of moral and physical worth, the greatest most universal example of munificence of spirit and veneration of the chi or life-force (as our tiny yellow brethren to the East would put it) attainable by man, and the deepest manifestations of agape or godly love for your fellow man-
Plato: Oh get to the point-
Socrates: Would it not then be beholden upon you to kiss my ass and suck your own toes, you old catamite fraud?
Was Plato A Woman?
For a long time it has been proposed (especially by Church historian Eusebius and the well known scholar and heretic Dan 'da Vinci' Brown) that the founder of Judaism, Moses, was none other than Plato dressed up as a woman, and that Plato not Moses invented the Jews through a rigorous campaign of ethnic cleansing.
His alleged fondness for crosswords may also be a clue, since as Dan Brown has discovered, hidden codes in the Torah, allegedly authored by Moses, speak of a hidden panel in the Lincoln Memorial (which, incredibly, hadn't even been built in Plato's time, though it does look quite a lot like Greek and Roman Architecture). Similarly, the presence of the Book of Numbers may also be a clue, since Plato was friends with Pythagoras, who invented numerology (the Bible Code also relies on a numeric skip code).
Was Plato Really Zorro?
If Plato is already to be thought of as Moses, then he may just as well be thought of as Zorro (who founded Zoroastrianism, and worshiped a similarly pointless entity he called Mazda). Since many Bible skeptics claim Zorro is older than Moses, it may be possible that this would account for his young appearance (was Zorro a young Moses?), he donned a mask and a hat and a sword to defend Persia from Hindu Thuggies, ultimately emancipating them from the evil pagans (many have noted similarities between Hinduism and Egyptian religions as well, with Brahma-Ra, the creator, Devi-Isis, the preserver, and Shiva-Horus, the destroyer, as worshiped by Aleister Crowley- Vishnu is not in the Egyptian pantheon of gods, and was probably just another of Plato's 'special friends', all of this probably being yet further proof of the symbiosis between Moses and Zorro).
In New York, there was a fat man named Joe Gould who set out to create An Oral History of the World, but never managed to get around to it. His body was never found, but as a baby he allegedly resembled the body at the British Museum, suggesting that Joe Gould may have in fact been Plato.
Was Plato Plato?
Many have argued that the man we call Plato is not actually Plato, but an imperfect "image" of Plato, while the real Plato is the eternal form of Plato, existing as a real abstract. It can be countered that the form of Plato we're actually referring to as "Plato", (Aristotle suggested that the supposed imperfect image of Plato was in fact the form of Plato at the same time). Still others--we can't be bothered to look up who--have argued that the man, Plato, was not even an imperfect image of Plato, but the work of artisans by way of an automaton, in which case the "man" Plato is an imperfect image of an imperfect image of Plato, where the imperfect image of Plato maybe have been kidnapped as a child and chained up in a dark cave for the rest of his life. Then there's the question of the orphaned love-child of Plato and his mother, confusingly also called 'Plato'.
It is believed that Plato and his most famous student Aristotle may have been more than just friends, following the explicit written statement to the police by Aristotle, some fragments of which have survived and which indicate that Plato was 1: Very smelly, and 2: A naughty man because he tried to touch Aristotle's 'private parts'.
The only man to make an unsuccessful pass at Plato was Alcibiades, one of the handsomest young men in Athens. After Alcibiades led the successful invasion of Syracuse during the Pelopponessian War, he returned home in victory to Athens. Plato invited him to join him at a drunken orgy. Plato related the events in his dialogue The Symposium:
"After dinner, when everyone else had fallen unconscious or was too plastered to notice, Alcibiades made his move. To his chagrin I, Plato, had a sore botty that night, and rejected the conceited little twerp. Alcibiades, his feelings wounded and hurt, fled Athens and took up with a goat, with whom he had many kids."
Creator of Disney
In 535 B.C. Plato had a lengthy affair with his father's lifestyle counselor and interior designer Biffo the Priest. When Plato’s father heard of this he demanded that the two stop seeing each other immediately. “But I love him daddy!” Plato exclaimed. Plato's father cut off his son's testicles and gave them to him in a silver chasuble.
This famous love affair of course inspired the Disney movie The Little Mermaid. The story of Plato’s romantic life has inspired dozens of other Disney movies as well, such as:
- The Lion King
- Peter Pan
- The Lady and the Tramp
- Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
- Alice in Wonderland
It would be entirely fair to say that without Plato there would be no Disney. It should also be noted that Plato often appears in Disney cartoons in the form of a yellow dog.
Retirement and Recent Barwork
After a patchy career in philosophy and buggery, and following the birth of triplet girl-pigs, Plato moved to Ireland and got engaged to himself and 6 months later married himself. It is said that the consummation of the marriage was wondrous to behold. Hours later, after a heavy drinking session and the loss of his shoes in a farting competition at a local nightclub, Plato divorced himself at a McDonalds 24 hour Divorce Drive-Thru, but later that morning reconciled with himself.
Following this unhappy interlude he decided to try his hand as a Catholic air traffic controller. Plato quickly rose to become Chief Air Traffic Controller at Tracton Catholic International Airport in Co. Cork, but was fired when it was found that he was a pagan and had been divorced.
Plato finally arrived at the decision that his talents would be best served (literally) as a barman in a small, local community. Today Plato serves fairly reliable pints, although he is still trying to master doing a shamrock on a pint of Guinness. Customers at the mostly Protestant pub say he is still keen to 'dialogue' and to amuse their children with his 'testicle juggling' trick, and because of his veritable font of historical knowledge is in great demand on quiz nights.
Astronomical Aspects of Plato
Due to his squat wrestling stance, for several decades Plato was considered to be the outermost planet in our Solar System (although his orbit occasionally crossed that of Neptune). However, in 2006 the International Olympic Committee "demoted" Plato from planet to Greek philosopher. The general public has responded ambivalently to the shift in nomenclature, and the ramifications to modern astrology are still being discussed.
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