“What kind of woman reads Playgirl--the phallic woman.”
“I stopped reading Playgirl when the editors, a bunch of lesbians, refused to let me pose as the Nude Man of the Month because--get this!--I'm gay.”
“I kiss other girls, sure, but that doesn't make me a lesbian. Does it? I mean, I read Playgirl. The editors asked me to pose as their centerfold, but I don't do nudity, because my boobs are too small and my body isn't all that.”
“Just because a man has a big nose doesn't mean he has a big dick.”
Playgirl is a monthly porn magazine for homosexual men and straight women (it's complicated). Mostly full of tips on makeup and healthy relationships, the content (except, pehaps, occasionally, the sex advice) is boring. No redblooded heterosexual American male or female would read this publication, which is why Playgirl is a magazine for homosexual men who pretend to be heterosexual women.
Originally, Playgirl's editors thought that heterosexual, or straight, women would be interested in ogling nude men in the way that heterosexual men enjoy ogling naked women. Unfortunately for their plans, straight women are more interested in fashion, shopping, gossip, sappy romantic comedies, men, celebrities, and movies like Bareback Mountain that feature homosexual men or themes (see also yaoi). Concerning straight men, straight women are interested in only two things, their:
- Bank accounts
- Penis Size (ironically, early Playgirl standards did not permit the editors to capitalize on this interest)
Although the magazine's editors missed their targeted audience's interests, they managed, inadvertently (i. e., despite their incompetence) to appeal to another segment of the population, male homosexuals. Assuming that straight women would want to see men in the buff, the editors featured, as their magazine's centerpiece, a Nude Man of the Month similar to, but different from, the Playboy Playmate of the Month. Their first centerfold model was the aging, no-longer-sexy (if-ever-he-was-sexy) grandfatherly has-been actor Burt Reynolds, a longstanding member of Small Penises Anonymous, in whom no one, including his former paramour Sally ("The Flying Nun") was interested. Sales were not good. In fact, they were abyssmal. Had it not been for gay males, sales would have been non-existent and the magazine would have gone bankrupt, as it so richly deserved to do.
The editors found themselves in the embarrassing position of publishing a magazine for homosexual men who pretend to be heterosexual women. However, their predicament suggested the solution to their humiliating problem as well: they would simply pretend, like the readers, the distributors, the advertisers, the writers, the lawyers, and everyone else that Playgirl really and truly was intended for heterosexual women who liked to read boring articles and lust after men's naked bodies.
Before the editors found their way out of the embarrassing predicament of finding their periodical a magazine for homosexual men who pretend to be heterosexual women, they looked to Prince Charles as a possible means of interesting women in their publication. After all, he was heir to the thrones of England, Great Britain, the United Kingdom, and, possible Wales, and he'd managed to capture the hand, if not the heart, of Princess Diana, whom even straight women loved and wanted to have sex with, just "to see what it's like." The prince was also known to like tampons, an item favored by many women, having expressed his desire to be reincarnated as a tampon that could reside forever inside the vagina of his mistress. However, the closet his highass would come to baring it for Playgirl's gay readers was to appear without his shirt while pretending to exercise in Buckingham Palace's gymnasium. It was enough. The issue's sales rocketed in such geographic areas as San Francisco's Castro District and New York City's Greenwich Village.
Men of Enron
The lesbian editors of Playgirl also thought it might be fun to humiliate corporate America, the vast majority of the executive leaders of which still are male. To this end, they very, very, very cleverly ran a pictorial under the title "Losing Their Shirts" (pun intended). Sales sank by 50 percent and the
Infernal Internal Revenue Service (IRS) began a still-ongoing investigation of the magazine's editors, advertisers, writers, photographers, distributors, readers, models, and mailroom clerks. The message seems clear: don't mess with corporate America.
Playgirl has featured these celebrity centerfolds, most of whom are famous only among gay men: