Pledge of Allegiance

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“U.S.A.! You suck dick! U.S.A. You suck Dick!”

~ Andrew Jackson on doing his version of the pledge

“Pledge now!”

~ NPR on doing their version of the pledge

The Pledge of Allegiance is a oath of allegiance to the United States of America and everything it stands for: communism, Christianity, white supremacy, conservatism, fascism, etc. It is law for all residents of the country to recite it every day. Those that refuse to make the pledge disappear mysteriously within a week. Witnesses report seeing black helicopters carry them away. Others maintain that they are struck down by a bolt of malice by God. The widespread disappearance of the Jehovah's Witnesses as well as amphibians is thought to be caused by this.

The Pledge is too long to put here in its entirety, but here is the beginning:

   I pledge allegiance 
   To the flag 
   Of these disUnited States 
   in Hysteria 
   And to the republicans 
   Whom I can't stand, 
   One nation 
   Under smog 
   With liberty and justice 
   For some, not all 
   And earth is a planet

The Pledge goes on for hundreds of lines, promising to fulfill God's will and sweep the land of those unfit to live: your mom. It discusses the evils of democracy and capitalism, and swears loyalty to the government and its leaders, swearing to go into battle for them or give your life for them. etc... It stresses the importance of adhering to God's commandments and accepting the Bible as absolute truth.

Because of its enormous size, it sometimes takes hours to recite. Some extremely slow talkers are years behind, still reciting pledges from days years ago. They are, of course, not allowed to speak another word, or move from their position saluting the flag. Most of their outstretched arms have shriveled up and fallen off, but their arm sockets still point toward the flag.


Students reciting the Pledge.

The first verse of the Pledge was first published in a porn magazine as a joke before our current benevolent dictators came into power. Please pardon the redundancy in that sentence. It was later adopted by the revolution and had the rest of its contents added.

The Pledge in Engrish[edit]

I the American flag loyalty pledge in the republic which means: one nations under God, impossible all freedom and justice because of division.

The Pledge In Leet Speak[edit]

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See Also[edit]