Pointed stick

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Stick figures preparing for battle. Note the difficulty that an archer would have of striking down the pikemen.

The pointed stick is a widely deployed assault weapon, with documented usage going as far back as 800,000 BCE. Armies of Stick Figures have long been used by military forces as Pikemen (not to be confused with vacuum bags nor to antropomorphic predatory freshwater fish), due to the difficulty to pierce with Arrows. Once injured in battle, Stick Figures can reuse their fallen Comrades as assult weapons. Pointed sticks should NOT be confused with the .

Pointed Stick Fabrication[edit]

The pointed stick excels in the ease in which it is fabricated, thereby making it difficult to tax or outlaw. It consists in all its glorified simplicity of a long and slender piece of wood with a natural or man-made point on either one of the ends of said stick (preferably the more distant end (otherwise known as "the business end")).

Version History[edit]

While the basic unmodified version is still favored by many warriors and hunter-gatherers, today's post-modern pointed stick has benefited from many centuries of rapidly advancing technology, such as boards with nails, baseball bats with nails, pointed sticks upgraded with nails and dipped in dog doodoo, and attached with whatever sharpening tools were previously used to pointify the nonpointed stick in the first place. However do not ask a self defense instructor how to use a pointed stick, you will be promptly told to "SHUT UP!".

Pointed stick defense techniques[edit]

If you were ever to be assaulted by someone wielding a pointed stick, you are totally screwed. However, you may consider using one or more of the following highly experimental defensive techniques:

  • Parry the pointed stick with the soft tissue of one of your eyes. This will catch the assailant totally by surprise. Screaming and writhing in agony will enhance the effect.
  • Counter with a barrage of fresh fruit. Bananas and grapes are particularly effective; corn ,Brad Pitt and peaches are not.
  • Stand there and do absolutely nothing. Betcha he didn't see that one coming!
  • Go for the testicles[1] with a swift kick.
  • Hit the Circle Button + D-Pad for defensive stance.
  • Run away from the assailant. According to Einstein's theory of Special Relativity, if your velocity is equal to or greater than his velocity plus the velocity of the pointed stick divided by one plus the product of the two previous velocities divided by the speed of light squared, you should escape unharmed. If not, you may suffer acute paralysis, premature aging, and/or death.
  • If you are a Texan, draw your concealed sidearm.
  • Deploy the tiger!
  • Turn emo[2]. stick up assss!
  1. However, if your assailant is a woman, you are fresh out of luck. Try something more desperate, like flowers.
  2. Note: This technique should be employed under the most desperate of circumstances. Use with extreme caution -- technique carries a 50% live-die ratio.

Pointed Sticks in Popular Culture[edit]

British actor and comedian Eric Idle has been relentless in his mission of teaching the world how to defend themselves against pointed sticks. However not everyone agrees with this. John Cleese, who has much experience in the art of self-defence using 16 tonne weights, has claimed that pointed sticks are merely a thing of the past and homicidal maniacs nowadays tend to prefer to attack with fresh fruit such as bananas, cherries (red and black), rasberries, and the old favorite, mangoes in syrup, and declares pointed sticks useless if one were to be aproached by a homicidal manic with a buch of loganberries.

This man wants to kill you with a point-ed stick.

Also Recently the phrase 'pointed stick' has gained quite extensive use among the younger generation as the original band, 'The Pointed Sticks'(as seen on right) . This Piano Rock band from Melbourne, Australia has been relentless in pursuing the true existentialism that is a 'Pointed Stick'.

The Pointed Sticks

See also[edit]