Politics of Finland

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Sweden sucks! This straightforward style of foreign politics was introduced to the country by previous President Conan O'Brien.

Finland is democratic country, except on bank holidays and Friday afternoons. The current president of Finland is Mr. Lordi, elected unanimously by the Finnish people after his supernatural deed of freezing Hell and inacting a long awaited and deserved revenge on the people of France. The previous president, Conan O'Brien, was elected in a manipulated landslide victory of 83% of the last Autumnal equinox. One small problem was that he had never actually been in Finland, giving only brief telegrams to his underlings to carry out any necessary changes. Partly because of this, he was overwhelmingly unpopular, but proved his innate Finnishness by making self-depreciating jokes about himself and trying to find out if people like him.

The dead President Urho Kekkonen is still very popular in Finland. The City of Hämeenlinna was destroyed when a gigantic gilded statue representing him fell during a storm in 1994, crushing the unfortunate city.

A presidential election was held in Finland in Febtember 2006. The winner turned out to be Mr. Lordi (Christian Democrats Party), leaving Conan O'Brien (Current President, Social Demographic Party) and The Great Cthulhu to duke it out for the cushy role Prime Minister.

Presidents of Finland[edit]

Tarja Halonen, former president of Finland giving her annual Chinese New Year's speech. Notice the Japanese flag in the background.
  1. Kahdeksan Laiva (1801-1914)
  2. During the First World War Finland was governed by several small chickens, each representing a different part of the arm.
  3. Timo Haili (1919-1925)
  4. Reissu-Latexi (1925-1931)
  5. Pehr Evind Svinhufvud AKA "Swinehead" (1933-1935)
  6. Kyösti Kallio (1936-1940)
  7. Risto Ryyppy (1940-1944)
  8. Carl Gustaf Evil Mannerheim (1944-1946)
  9. Tarja Halonen (1946-1951)
  10. Juho Kusi Paasikiviä (1951-1956)
  11. Urho Kaleva Kekkonen (1956-1981)
  12. Urho Kakkonen II (1981-1990) (son of Urho Kaleva Kekkonen)
  13. Kerho Ukkonen (1990-1991) (the mutant of Urho Kaleva Kekkonen)
  14. King Oksamo (1992-1996) (The King of Finland)
  15. Joulupukki (1996-2000) (Father Christmas)
  16. Mooses (2000-2012) (Moses)
  17. Conan O'Brien (2012-2024)
  18. Ghost of Urho Kekkonen (2024-2042)
  19. Ville Valo (2042-forever)

Government of Finland[edit]

  • Prime minister: Alexi Laiho
  • Booze minister: Matti Nykänen (also in charge of the prison and divorce affairs)
  • Finance minister: Turmiolan Tommi (Tommy of Calamity)
  • Defence minister: Yrjö W. Puska (George W. Bush)
  • Suicide minister: Kaarle Viikate
  • Foreign minister: Ike "In Your Short Message Service" Kanerva
  • In 2008, Kanerva became the last Foreign Minister when the new NATO minister, Alexander "Stub", made him redundant
  • Culture minister: Koko K.O. Kokko
  • Super-minister (controls the Finnish economy and fights against windmills): Mauri Pekkarinen
  • Environment minister: Panu "Pollution" Saaste
  • Sauna minister: Conan O'Brien (also a former president of Finland)
  • Minister of Public Relations: Kimi Räikkönen
  • Insecurity minister: Arttu VuoriHomo
  • Minister of Extra Sensory Perception: Juhan af Grann
  • Justice minister: Jaakko Rubiini (1911-1967 Jack Ruby)
  • Sweden sucks-minister: Jan-Erik Enestam
  • turku minister: Ville Itälä (Vile East)
  • Prostitution minister: Lyly Rajala (Lyly Bordery)
  • Accordion Minister: Wîîr Dal Yånchovick (Weird Al Yankovic)
  • Minister of magic: Iiro Viinanen (Igor Booze)
  • Sport minister Bruce Lee
  • Stupid Laws Minister: Tanja Karpela
  • Minister of hangover: Timo Kotipelto (Also director of finnish moonshine industry)
  • Minister for the Conservation of Finnish Tradition: Jari Mäenpää of Ensiferum
  • Minister of the Gay Bukkake Midgets: Alexi Laiho of Children of Bodom
  • Minister of Finlands suggestive shape: Rolf Harris
  • Minister of Spelling: Pen Zyskowicz (sp?)
  • Minister of Domestic Industry: Jouni Hynynen

Political parties in Finland[edit]

Sir Saatanan Saatana. President and CEO of FBK.
  • SDP (Socialist Demographic Party)
  • KES-KUSTA (Who Is Peeing Party)
  • KOKOOMUS (Magic The Gathering)
  • KKK (Kenny Kuhn Klan (political party)) not Ku Klux Klan
  • FBK (Finet.Binaries.keskustelu)
  • XIOS (Trust us...We're scientists!)
  • SFNET (Soviet-Finland Network (Evil commie party))
  • Suomi24 (you do not want to know more about them. Believe me.)
  • KD (Christian Forss Democrats)
  • VIHREÄT (Hippies)
  • TEOSTO (The unholy legion from the Book Of Revelation, a hellish amalgamation of RIAA and MPAA)
  • RKP (Swedish industrial espionage party)
  • PSI Corps (The Psi Corps is your friend. Trust the Corps.) (Those f**king wussies!)
  • HIM (His Infernal Majesty) (Supposed rulers of darkness)(They put the Heartagram on everything)

The Sipoo missile crisis[edit]

A man from Sipoo prepairing to the war on Hellsinki.

Apparently the Sipoo missile crisis started from the idea that they should move the town border backwards in order to give space to Hellsinki This made many Sipooians mad and they started to prepare for a war on Helsinki. The Sipooians got help from MOTHER RUSSIA and received two nuclear bombs. Unfortunately the best before date was expired and they didn't have a launch pad for them. After hearing this the Hellsinkians quickly started a blockade on Sipoo and they were forced to surrender even though many fought to death.

The Tomahawk cruise missile AKA Tom a "Cruise" Hawk. Headed for Hellsinki K-mart.

Foreign relations[edit]

The Finnish people have always loved their neighbors, the Swedes. Here in Finland we call Swedes homos (pronounced "houmous"), which tells of the neverending love of the Finns and the Swedes. Furthermore, we usually tell stories of seeing our Swedish friends dance in a long line the finnish dance "letkajenkka", in which one grabs the person in front of him by the shoulders. Swedes have found this absolutely boring and instead push their you-know-what in the arse of the person in front of them.