Politics of the United States

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The politics of the United States are actually quite simple. There are two major parties, the Communists and Fascists. Every four times the Earth makes it all the way 'round the Cheese, both of these parties hold a National Convention.

At these conventions, the parties nominate Uglo-Americans to run for the Presidency in an erection. Also at these conventions parties create what is known as their "plank," named as such because every politician wanted to be a pirate when he was younger. Once upon a time, these "planks" involved stances on controversial issues, but more recently they have been shortened to a single-sentence about loving freedom or some other nonsense, to accommodate the shortened attention span of Americans since the invention of the internet.

American Politics Outside (and sometimes Inside) of Erections[edit]

American Politics is fairly simple; you too can get started in just ten easy minutes a day with my self-help video!

Whichever party is in control of the Presidency is correct, unless it is the Democrats. In Congress, the occasional healthcare bill is voted down so that more billion-dollar bridges can be built in the Alaskan tundra, while the minority party takes every chance it can to filibuster every important issue the majority party might actually get to pass, unless it is for billion-dollar bridges.

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