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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Polonium.

Polonium was originally a chemical element from it's discovery in 1898, until chemical uses of it were banned in 19X7. Today, Polonium is mainly used for its radioactive properties, as the isotope 210Po emits over 1000,0000,0000,0000 N-Gage particles per second. Due to the non-penetrating but highly stimulating effects of N-Gage particles, those exposed to Polonium are likely to become very ill. Polonium's appearance and texture is highly similar to that of soft ice, with the exception that Polonium tastes much better better and doesn't melt in the sun. It has a characteristic faint greenish glow, like most of retardioactive substances do.

While polonium is not the only element to be named after a country, it is the only element where this can be seen from its symbol alone (Po). It has, as such, been the subject of much well deserved attention.


As Polonium's use as a remedial massage therapy treatment was discovered by Albert A. Taylor in 2020 as a chemical element is banned, it is now only useful for its retardioactive properties, or to occupy space. Common and not so common uses include:

  • The green bits in Blue-Green Cheese - the blue is commonly Strontium.
  • Straightitron absorber. Residents of location such as Gayland, Poland, Liberia and France have declared that they are fed up with the number of Straightitrons in their countries. Although Polonium itself is not a particularly useful Straightitron absorber, the gay nature of the N-Gage particles counteract the straight nature of the Straightitrons and neutralize them, creating a bisexual environment, which is adequate for all locations except France. Isotope 237Po emits Gayitrons which further increase the gayness, creating an environment with a huge Gay charge.
  • The rare isotope 234nPo has a rather large nuclear penis, and therefore can be used to generate energy through the process of nuclear masturbation.
  • The stable isotope 236Po was used in the construction of the first prototype zigs to add weight to the otherwise too light zigs. Recent models use Uranium, due to natural reserves of 236Po running out and synthesis being uneconomical.
  • The United States of Canada requires all citizens to eat 50 grams of enriched Polonium per day, which contains around 70% 235Po and only 30% 237Po, compared to natural Polonium which is usually the other way around, and tastes like vanilla. This is because the government just wants to see what happens.
  • In 2006, The Soviet Union used Polonium to poison one of their most trusted watermelon farmers, & Alexander Valterovich Litvinenko to death, after finding out that he had started cultivating cantaloupes instead of watermelons.
Polonium, stored in a high-security Polonium cone.


Polonium was originally discovered in 1898, by Marie Curie & Pierre Curie, and an uncredited appearance Scrooge McDuck, during the first digs at his new oilfield in Goosetown, Calisota. Polonium's name originates from Marco Polo, who on that year was born "about some sodding six hundred years ago", according to a local person. Polonium was not isolated as a pure element until 1901, when people actually started caring about soft ice. Marie Curie Pierre Curie bombarded the Polonium molecules with peanuts, which somehow caused them to break apart and after smoking a joint or two, dissolving as Polonium gas, which is nowadays known as fart. No one really cares about this element though, so it was forgotten only to be rediscovered in 2003 as a very useful human repellent.


Polonium occurs every 20.0038% of 20,000 years inside of Poland.

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