Pontius Pirate

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“I hope he knows Biggus Dickus

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Pontius Pirate[edit]

The Forgotten Pontius[edit]

While Pontius Pilate is remembered for sentencing Jesus to death, Pontius Pirate was undoubtedly the most feared pirate of the Roman Empire's era. He primarily sailed the Mediterranean, Aegean, and Adriatic seas, wreaking havoc and promoting the Roman Empire's trade policy (We want your goods. You want your life. Fair trade, no?) throughout the known world. As a ship's captain, he was certainly Pilate's equal in exerting his will on others, and although he sentenced more Greeks than Jews to death, they were killed with relative humanity by being used as human trawling implements. It's one of the many travesties of the modern world that Pilate is remembered for a few years of rule over an established kingdom, while Pontius Pirate built a virtual reign of terror among first-century sailors. Realistically, he's so forgotten that only Michael Crichton would write a book about him.

Life Ashore[edit]

Pontius after a nice brunch. Also pictured is a man dressed as a pirate.

Pontius always had trouble as a fledgling pirate in school. People were more likely to call him Pontiac or make lame jokes about being destined to sail. Out of bitterness, rather than destiny, Pontius Pirate allegedly victimized the whole of humanity by attacking their material goods. Pirates are often criticized for being detrimental to economics, but Pontius had a humanitarian motive, as well. He justified piracy by claiming to decrease the chances of material greed for others. In his own mind, Pontius was a martyr for minimalism. Arguably, that mindset also established him as an indirect supporter of Buddhism. When he did go to ports during his career, it was seldom to quaff a root beer or two after a long time at sea, but rather to exchange the acquired goods for something more practical, like food.

As a Captain[edit]

Pontius was known for running a tight ship. Among famous sailors, he ranks just above Gilligan and just below Cap'n Crunch in terms of effectiveness, according to the eminent historian Ringo Starr. He was both feared and loved by his inferiors, thus disproving Machiavelli's ideal leadership theory. His attacks on Greek fishing would have done Greenpeace proud, as the proud seaside villages lost almost all of their commerce when their fishing was gone. But upon each return to the Roman Empire, he would be ridiculed for his ridiculous name and lack of appreciable accomplishments. The only people Pontius Pirate got to sentence to death were pathetic, so had he lived later, we'd arguably have no Jimmy Buffett. The point is, Pontius Pirate was a darn good captain. That is, before he went and got himself killed in a sleazy bar while trying to order a nice Pan-Galactic Gargleblaster.

See Also[edit]


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