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Prehistory of Ponytails
Since the dawn of prehistory, wild ponies have been hunted down and slaughtered to the very brink of extinction, solely for obtaining their exquisite and magical tails. However, due to a totally unexpected interaction between the effects of natural selection and artificial selection, today's modern ponies have evolved armored exoskeletons and poisonous fangs and bumper stickers that say "Please don't kill me for my beautiful tail!" or other minor variants thereof.
Recent History of Ponytails
Ponytails suddenly became a major fashion craze sometime in the late 20th Century, during which time they were attached to the back of peoples' heads with large nails driven deep into their skulls. Nonvoluntary electromagnetic impulses from the person's brain are conducted through the metallic nail and directly to the exposed nerve endings of the ponytail, which serve to animate the equinian appendage in various and unpredictable ways. Many fine magazine articles of the period were written exclusively about how a person's inner emotional state may be inferred directly from precisely how vigorously his &/or her ponytail is twitching.
How to Extract a Ponytail
The first and foremost rule of ponytail extraction is to obtain a pony. Once you have obtained a pony, we strongly recommend, at this point, that you hire a ponytail technician. WARNING! WARNING! Successfully extracting the tail from a live pony is an extremely messy affair which usually results in the pony's blood spurting all over the place and many vicious pony bites and generally bad feelings on all sides, and should therefore be done only by trained professionals.
During the excruciating and unbelievably violent extraction process (which often goes on for many tedious hours), extreme caution must be exercised so as not to damage the valuable ponytail. Remember, the pony itself is quite expendible, as it will soon die of unhappiness and severe hemorrhaging.wow!
Victims of Evil Ponytail Poachers
- My Little Pony
- Your Little Pony
- 97% of Pony Express ponies
- Roberto Baggio