Pope John Paul Gotti

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Known as the "Teflon Pope" on account of his ability not to stick any idea for more than ten minutes, Pope John Paul Gotty (1345-1426) was eventually burned at the stake along with his favourite Salami in the Great Salami Wars of 1426. He describe sex with her as being better than sex with the young man who he met in prison and made his bitch. Pope Gotty totally loved weiners too. Left eighteen children and one of the world's earliest Salami museums to the nation.

Long version[edit]

Born in Venice of an aristocratic family of Salami-stuffers. Suffered stuffers elbow at an early age and joined the church as an altar boy. He was soon promoted under the tutelage of a kindly priest who joined him in the apse regularly. It was as a result of his early experiences that he wrote the book "Hide the Salami and other games" which brought him to the attention of the then Pope Sodomius. He rose from his lowly position to a post which gave him total control over the granting of Salami procurement for southern Italy. He became famed for his procuring skills as well as the number and variety of Salami he handled during this period.

After the death of Sodomius he was elected by ballot to the highest office in Venice; that of Doge or Emperor. It was he who instigated the notorious practice that encouraged people to hide messages denouncing others as traitors inside a Salami; these were then inserted into an orofice specially lubricated for the purpose and placed close to the Doge's main entry.

At one time he was known to have a dozen mistresses although the exact number was never established; this is due to the habit of such women to wear masks in public at all times. Since all nobles had a mistress or two it was not unknown for a man to bring home the wrong one due to a mix-up in the street. One such Noble Guilliamo Dicaprio lived with a horse for four years before he noticed that someone had made a switch and taken off with his favourite. The horse went on to win several races at the yearly racing championships, leading Dicaprio to quip that he "got a better ride from the horse than his late mistress".

The Salami wars (1423-1426) started over a supposed insult made by Pope Gotty whilst brokering a deal to gain control of the fledgling European Salami supply. He apparently became somewhat heated and beat a visiting Burgundian Ambassador to death with a heavyweight Salami Corleoni. As a result, the Barons of Burgundy invaded Lesser Sicily with a force of twenty thousand; the Pope retaliated by having their horses kidnapped, cooked and stuffed. This left the huge army of knights barely able to walk in their armour and they eventually rusted to death.

The Pope then attempted to levy a tax on every Venecian Salami in order to pay for what would have been a protracted and expensive campaign. This caused the populace to become restless and the dissent grew in intensity when Pope Gotty tried to lift an ancient ban on eating Salami on Sundays. His final speech(1), in which he attempted to portray Salami as a Christian dish which could safely be eaten seven days a week (thus raising enormous taxes) caused the people to rise up and burn him at the stake. Or, to be more precise on the stake as they impaled him first then barbecued him.


The speech in full[edit]

"The Salami is not antithetical to Christian Teachings; indeed, it is conversant with, and conspicuous for, it's dialectical qualities - put out that fire! Ooooh smokey!!!"

See also[edit]

Preceded by:
Sodomius I
List of Popes
Succeeded by: