Postman Pat

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Postman Pat.

Patrick Postman O'Patrick was a postman who's simply famous for being a postman. My grandfather was a postman once, but no one ever made a documentary about him. But then, life is unfair. He has starred in a TV show for many years, which shares his name. The show is in the style of Heroes and Bob the Builder. He died of cancer-of-the-AIDS on 29 July 2016.


Merchandise includes The Postman Pat Sex Toy in which you can play with his very large AND I MEAN VERY LARGE... nose. A video game for the X Box was entitled Postman Pat: Hit and Run in which you would run over the residents of Greendale in Pats van in exchange for points. The game outsold all Grand Theft Auto games put together and spent a year atop the game charts. The game of spinoff show, Killer Krystal, failed to top the charts but did place at #2 bestseller for a month.

Postman Pat[edit]

The original series of Postman Pat's adventures. Only two series' were originally commissioned. Since they managed to build a ridiculously high fan base, the television executives just kept giving the franchise more series'. By the end of series 13, with all the original key writers either dead or having left, the series was commissioned two more series - to finish on Series 15.

Series 1[edit]

  1. Postman Begins - Dorothy is acussing Pat of killing her brother at her home in 2007. Dorothy becomes irate but Pat tells PC Selby that she is ill. Dorothy is later set free from her mental institution and marries Pat.
  2. Greendale - Several years after the couple first eloped, Pat and Dorothy return to Greendale with their son, Julian. Pat meets the locals.
  3. Teddy - Pat rescues a poor man from a burning police vehicle, and the man introduces himself as Ted. In return for being saved, Ted offers Pat some 'premium' goods. You know what we mean.
  4. First Day Of School - Pat and Dorothy go shopping for a sweet potato, as their old potato was starting to get a bit mean. Julian has his first day at Greendale School and falls in love with his teacher, Miss Hubbard.
  5. Return Of The Post - Pat is plagued by a package that just won't stay delivered. It is later discovered to be a plot by MI5 to drive Pat insane.
  6. Don't Watch Daddy - Pat comes home drunk after a night out with Ted and begins to teach Julian all about life. He then goes and meets Mrs Goggins. The next day he wakes up on her sofa, apparantly having refused her advances.
  7. The Hubbard Fiasco - Pat withdraws Julian from Greendale school after learning that his teacher is on trial for being a paedophile.
  8. Bottoms Up - Pat goes on a pub crawl...but everything gets worse when Dorothy asks him to find Julian, who has ran away.
  9. The Dark Night - Pat finds Rebecca Hubbard and begins to interrogate her on what exactly happened in her classroom. Pat finds out all the details and then sets her free. The next day, the family is in court watching her case. But something seems wrong. Julian seems uneasy and Hubbard seems full of shame. Granny Dryden disappears without a trace. Series ends with a cliffhanger ending - how will the court case finish?

Series 2[edit]

  1. Pat's Worst Hour - Pat is called to testify against Hubbard. But then he finds out it is his own son in the pictures.
  2. Someone Behind You! - Pat fears he is being stalked. It later turns out it is just a stray cat, Jess. He adopts her. Meanwhile, Ajay, an Indian train driver and Niggs the black man move to Greendale.
  3. Broken Van - The big red van breaks down. Luckily, Ted Glen will fix it, but for a favour. A sexual favour.
  4. So That's What Fragile Means! - Pat breaks a parcel belonging to Indian train driver, Ajay. Pat, feeling awful, tells him that it was an accident, just like all of Ajay's children...the fucking idiot. Pat also spots Niggs committing a violent crime, and joins in, befriending niggs in the process.
  5. Humps, Hats and Automobiles - Jess and Niggs kidnap a prostitute, and hide her in the van. Meanwhile, Pat has lost his hat in a field of sheep, and Mrs. Goggins' car won't start, even with Ted helping.
  6. Knocked Up Cat - Pat decides to neuter Jess, but can't afford the vet's bills. So he steals money out of one of Ajay's children's birthday cards, before replacing it in the envelope.
  7. Nicked Up Pat - Pat is arrested on a charge of stealing. Ajay the Indian also sues him for racial harassment.
  8. Free - Pat is released after sleeping with the prison warden. He vows his revenge against Ajay. Farmer Thompson accidentally shoots his own foot, while niggs takes a short trip to Hull to join a inbred hunt.
  9. Junk Male - Pat is fired from the Royal Mail, and turns to drinking. Meanwhile, Granny Dryden makes a shock return. Short of money, Pat blackmails her about her previous disappearance. Cliffhanger ending - has she committed suicide?

Series 3[edit]

  1. Greendale Fair - Pat's wife Dorothy leaves him, and he gets drunk at the fair. Meanwhile, police investigate Granny Dryden's disappearance.
  2. Closet Man - Granny Dryden returns, and Ted Glen officially comes out of the closet. Pat immediately stops delivering letters to him, being a homophobe.
  3. Goggins And Co. - The UK Government are threatening to close small Post Offices. Pat and Mrs Goggins rally around to get the Greendale village to save theirs.
  4. Julian - Pat loses custody of his son, Julian, due to his drinking. Ted Glen, the only gay in the village, comforts him.
  5. Secret Letters - Pat becomes suspicious when another MI5 letter comes through for Granny Dryden. Later, suicide bombers attack the World Trade Center. Pat also overcomes his addiction.
  6. Jess Vs Ajay - Jess pees on all of Ajay's letters. Ajay assumes this is more abuse from Pat. He is right.
  7. The New Movie - Everybody flocks to see the new movie "Harry Potter and the Dead Fly" in Greendale Cinema. Pat uses this opportunity to steal their money.
  8. Postcards - Pat takes great delight in reading everybody's postcards, and then telling everybody in the pub.
  9. The Death - Granny Dryden's bullet-ridden body is found in the street. Pat is blamed. Cliffhanger ending - whodunnit?

Series 4[edit]

  1. Post Man's Questions - Pat is taken in for questioning about Dryden's murder, but released without charge. Meanwhile, Ted, depressed he can't get a boyfriend, turns to drugs.
  2. Interview With The Van-Buyer - Pat buys a new van. He chooses yellow, but Jess doesn't like it.
  3. Revelations Chapter One - Pat gets letters to Granny Dryden, and he opens them. After all, its just a dead woman's letters. He discovers she worked for MI5.
  4. The Last Battle - Pat accuses Ajay of being an Indian spy, who killed Dryden. Ajay attempts to run Pat over, but misses and hits Jess, seriously injuring her. Pat sues him, successfully. Ajay is also arrested for murder.
  5. Revelations Chapter Two - Julian comes to visit, and announces he is now gay. Pat turns to drink again. Meanwhile, Julian and Ted hook up.
  6. Goggins Goes Bust - The Post Office is shut down, and Mrs Goggins is forced on to the street. Pat laughs. Meanwhile, Rebeccca Hubbard returns from prison.
  7. An Act Of Kindness - Pat allows Mrs Goggins to live with him. They both are alcoholics, and have drunken sex. Pat says it meant nothing.
  8. The One - Julian leaves Pat to return home. Mrs Goggins wants more sex from Pat. Meanwhile, he delivers a birthday cake to Farmer Thompson.
  9. Milk - Pat tries out milking cows on his day off. Nothing else happens.
  10. Sad Story Of Ted - Ted's substance abuse gets worse, and he is still secretly seeing Julian. Pat accidentally gives Jess dog food.
  11. I Want You, Pat - Mrs Goggins confesses her undying love for Pat, just as Rebecca Hubbard tries to molest Julian. Ted discovers this, and shoots Hubbard. Cliffhanger ending - Is she dead?

Series 5[edit]

Series 5 is due to start sometime this summer, episodes are currently being filmed. There will be 12 episodes. Executive Producer M. Night Shyamalan has said the new series will focus more on the characters, less on the job. Storylines include the romance between Mrs Goggins and Pat, Ted's arrest and the introduction of some Polish characters, to bring back the popular BBC racist slant. Pat may also get a dog. Pat, Julian, Ted, Mrs Goggins, Rebecca Hubbard, Jess and Farmer Thompson will all reappear, with Thompson becoming a much more fleshed out character, with some secrets of his own.

  1. The Even Sadder Story Of Ted - Rebecca Hubbard survives her shooting with minor scars. She flees to Newcastle. Ted is arrested by the police who now consist of PC Selby and a Polish trucker named Mr. Lorryski. Pat decides to steal Ted's drugs and sell them at high prices on eBay.
  2. In The Nick - Ted is sent to court and told to do community service for 100 hours in Liverpool. He fears for his life. Rightly so. Meanwhile, Pat decides he needs a new pet. Jess leaves and starts to plan something dark.
  3. Fixing Bets - Pat decides to rig the X Factor vote and does quite well. Eventually he gets bored and decides to go buy his new pet. The same week, Jedward are knocked out.
  4. Pat's New Pet - Pat doesn't know what his new companion should be. He refuses sheep as they are Welsh, he refuses haggis as they are Scottish and he refuses a mouse because he cannot find it to kick it when he's angry. He eventually buys a West Highland Terrier and calls it Mac.
  5. The Death II - Pat's ex-wife is shot in Vienna. Pat gets the news and whoops with joy. Mac ravages all the post. Mrs Goggins continues to lust after Pat in alluring ways.
  6. Anger Management Chapter One - After he kills a local OAP with a cricket bat, Pat is sent to guidence counseller Morgan Freeman. What starts off as a course in controling his emotions soon turns personal for Pat after Freeman threatens to kill his son with a pick axe. Features guest appearence of Morgan Freeman.
  7. Anger Management Chapter Two - Pat challenges Freeman to a fight to the death. Farmer Thompson builds an arena where the two will fight. Freeman is supremely confident, but Mrs Goggins spikes his water with a little known drug called Hyploximosiacannatackleless. Freeman seems to have the upper hand in the fight, but explodes just seconds before he wins. Pat is declared a town hero. Features guest appearence of Morgan Freeman.
  8. Pat And The Postmistress - Pat and Mrs Goggins have more wild drunken sex. Pat starts to develop feelings for her. Ajay returns from his short term jail sentence and vows to get his revenge. Mac pisses on Ajay's train. Ajay takes this as another insult.
  9. Battle Of The Illegal Immigrants - After learning that there is now a Pole in Greendale, Ajay turns his attention to him and tries to kill him. Lorryski goes to Pat for help but is turned down. Lorryski challenges Ajay to a race to Linconshire and back. The winner will stay in Greendale; the loser packs their bags.
  10. Race Of The Illegal Immigrants - Pat realizes he can kill two birds with one stone and plans to sabotage the race. He uses roadblocks, trees, Mac, flamethrowers and the Russian Army to try and stop them. He fails, but Lorryski wins. Ajay leaves and vows to have revenge on Pat and Lorryski.
  11. The Dark Secrets Of Farmer Thompson - Famer Thompson reveals that he killed Granny Dryden because she ruined his crops whilst flying over in a spy plane. Pat decides not to turn him in as he still wants to blame Ajay. To get over it, Pat takes Thompson and Mrs Goggins to London for a holiday.
  12. Thompson Goes South - Pat, Farmer Thompson and Mrs Goggins are enjoying London, but Rebecca Hubbard turns up, apparently stalking Julian. Pat, in a drunken rage, tells her to clear off. The following morning, Hubbard is found with both her legs sawn off. Cliffhanger ending - is Pat, Thompson or Goggins guilty?

Series 6[edit]

The BBC have commissioned twelve new episodes for Series Six. They will feature Pat and Mrs Goggins' developing relationship, Ted's return and Ajay and Jess' diabolical plans. Also, there will be more guest stars than before.

  1. The Case Of The Sawn Off Legs - Rebecca Hubbard has new, metal legs attached in a life saving oppertunity. It turns out a drunk Peter Mandelson sawed off Hubbard's legs for reasons unknown. Pat blames Ajay again. Mac loses his tail in an incident with a lawn mower. Features guest appearence of Peter Mandelson.
  2. Pat Gets Wasted - Pat and Mrs Goggins have more wild drunken sex. Mac uses a yardbrush as his new tail.
  3. The Return Of Ted Glen - Ted returns from Liverpool. He has managed to give up drugs but is still gay. Pat sells the rest of Ted's drugs quickly.
  4. The Last Stand Of Adolf Hitler I - Adolf Hitler moves into Ajay's old house. Lorryski fears as he is Polish and Jewish. He gains support from Mrs Goggins and Farmer Thompson but Pat and Ted rally with Hitler. Features guest appearence of Adolf Hitler.
  5. The Last Stand Of Adolf Hitler II - Lorryski and over 300 other Polish illegal immigrants prepare to fight Hitler, Pat and Ted to the end. The skirmish leaves the fields of Greendale are set on fire. Hitler manages to single-handedly kill all the Polish, bar Lorryski and his sidkick, Smithski. Lorryski kills Hitler with the pick axe Morgan Freeman threatened to use on Julian last series. Pat and Ted plan to rid Greendale of illegal immigrants. Features guest appearence of Adolf Hitler.
  6. Julian Returns - Julian returns to Greendale for a bit. He and Ted start dating again. Pat puts his illegal immigrant plan into action. Greendale's new vicar, the Reverend Timns, disagrees with Pat's morals but helps him anyway.
  7. The Transformer - Pat's van turns out to be Optimus Prime in disguise. Pat then decides that he and Optimus will carry out his plan and exterminate all illegal immigrants...except Lorryski. Mac nearly kills Mrs Goggins after she gives him coffee.
  8. Death Of A Dog - Pat decides to put Mac down after he attacks Mrs Goggins again. Mac tries to flee but is ran over by Lorryski. Pat sees this as an insult and shoots Lorryski in the back.
  9. Tried - Pat is sent to court, but his lawyer Ted gets him out without a charge. Pat manages to blame Smithski. Under new EU guidlines, Smithski is executed by the electric chair, whilst Pat laughs. Lorryski surrvives and also vows revenge on Pat.
  10. Pat, Ted, Thompson, Goggins and Optimus Vs The Rest Of Greendale Chapter One - Jess returns and rallies the rest of Greendale through bribary, threats and hypnotism to join him and Ajay against Pat and his allies. Preparation for war begins.
  11. Pat, Ted, Thompson, Goggins and Optimus Vs The Rest Of Greendale Chapter Two - The first shots are fired as Greendale enters a state of civil war. Jess has recruited the rest of Greendale, led by Reverend Timns, the U.S. army, some Polish immigrants and the Labour Party, whereas Pat has Ted, Farmer Thompson, Mrs Goggins, Optimus Prime, Darth Vader and your mom. The war starts brutally, but who will win?
  12. Pat, Ted, Thompson, Goggins and Optimus Vs The Rest Of Greendale Chapter Three - As the civil war reaches its peak, everything seems to go tits up. Timns is choked by Vader, your mom is stabbed by Ajay, Optimus Prime destroys the U.S. army, Mrs Goggins is killed by Jess, the Polish immigrants flee when Ted runs at them and Pat and Thompson shoot the Labour Party members. In the final stand off, Pat kills Jess, and then, overcome with grief, tries to shoot himself. He misses, but kills Julian instead. Overcome with more grief, he prepares to commit suicide, but is stopped by Farmer Thompson, who turns out to be the thirteenth incarnation of The Doctor. The Doctor says he can save everyone, to which Pat agrees. The Doctor alters time to four weeks before Jess's return. Back in the past, Pat reconciles with Jess, preventing the war. Ajay swears ultimate revenge on Pat and flees to Bradford to plan his return. Cliffhanger ending - Has Pat had his chips?

Series 7[edit]

Due to the sky high ratings and raving critical acclaim, the BBC has commissioned twelve new episodes. It will replace Doctor Who as BBC One's flagship program. The new series will feature Pat leaving the country for some episodes, accompanied by Jess and Ted, as well as several new, dark secrets and a crossover with other BBC programs.

  1. Postman United - Greendale forms a football team, Greendale United, with Pat as captain, Ted as goalkeeper, and Rev. Timns as their manager. They make a shock qualification for the second round of the FA Cup, where they beat Queens Park Rangers 5-3 on penalties. Pat takes advantage of a prostitute following this and ends up on national television as 'The Man Who Shagged A Prostitute'.
  2. Our Man In Norway - Pat, Jess and Ted go Norway after Pat shoots a tourist whilst drunk. They learn that Ted is part-Scandinavian and his brother is called Svenge Glen. They find Svenge and kill him, allowing Ted to take his identity for the near future. Pat and Jess return for their Third Round Tie with Bristol Rovers.
  3. When The Postmistress Goes Marching In - Due to Ted's absence, Mrs. Goggins plays goalkeeper. Greendale win 5-2 AET. Pat is careful not to have sex with any prostitutes this time.
  4. You Only Post Twice - Pat is recruited into MI5 to cover for the death of Granny Dryden. His first mission: kill 'Svenge Glen' in Norway.
  5. From Norway With Post - Pat and 'Svenge Glen' clash, with Pat having forgot it's really Ted. They ultimately stop and plan to destroy the FBI after one of their agents attempts to kill Pat.
  6. Post For Nothing - Pat, Ted, Jess and Mark Knopfler, formerly of Dire Straits, fly to Washington and, using the same plan al-Queda used, crash into the Pentagon. The American Government's data banks are destroyed, causing the Americans to believe Pat and Ted are Russian Spies. America subsequently launches nuclear missiles into Russia, and the First Nuclear Fusion War starts.
  7. Post Unleashed - Pat and Ted return to find that they forgot Mark Knopfler and the Greendale team are already in the semi-finals of the FA Cup. Meanwhile, an unknown man arrives in town and claims to be Pat from the future. Pat ignores his warnings, but the man persists, causing Pat to kill him with a ride-on lawnmower. PC Selby believes that it has something to do with the 'Notorious Northern Ride-On Lawnmower Killer of the North' and launches a full scale investigation into the death. Pat decides to adopt a child to make up for Julian's disappointment and departure previously
  8. Modern Posties - Pat adopts Krystal, a 19-year-old prostitute whose platinum blonde hair, long legs, beautiful face and double-D breasts very nearly turns Ted straight. Meanwhile, the Postal System undergoes a complicated overhaul, due to the part obliteration of the South Coast by Russia and America. Pat acquires a motorbike as a result, which Jess crashes into a local OAP (coincidentally the husband of the one Pat killed, which led to his confrontation with Morgan Freeman). As with all other characters, Jess is arrested. Pat and Ted think of a plan to try and save Jess from execution.
  9. Holiday - Pat saves Jess from death by saying that Jess also works for MI5. The jury believes this, and for compensation, gives Pat, Jess, Krystal, Ted, Mrs Goggins and Farmer Thompson a free holiday to Australia for no reason. The six go and take part in a variation of Australian sports, including Kangaroo Snap, Bushwhacker Bait and Speed Sex (in which Pat has sex with Krystal) before coming home for the semi-final against favourites... Blackpool.
  10. I, Postman - Due to Pat's flight being delayed in Australia, Rev. Timms secretly fields a team of robotic duplicates, resulting in a narrow victory. However, when the robots seem to malfunction, Timms is forced to spring into action, wielding a chainsaw and multiple semi-automatic weapons. He succeeds in killing all but the Pat duplicate who escapes to Ireland.
  11. The Final Days of Ted Glen - Ted is captured by terrorists from Ireland, on the instructions of the Pat duplicate. Pat, Jess and Farmer Thompson launch themselves into a manical rescue mission that results in the death of half of Ireland when they use the IRA as a focal point for a RAF attack. The resulting attack manages to give enought time for Ted to escape but Irish President Jeremy Kyle declares war on Britain.
  12. Extra Time - Britain and Ireland battle in the skies as Greendale face Chelsea in the final of the FA Cup. Pat scores the opening goal but Chelsea equalize soon after. Meanwhile, Jeremy Kyle invades London and gets into a brutal fight with a visiting Frenchman. In the final, it goes down to penalties. Pat, Ted, Mrs Goggins, Farmer Thompson and Jess all score, taking it into sudden death. Kyle arrives at the stadium and tries to shoot Pat but misses and kills the Chelsea striker instead, causing him to miss the penalty, giving Greendale a shock victory. As celebrations erupt, Kyle trains his gun on Pat. Cliffhanger ending - is this the end?

Series 8[edit]

Following the critically acclaimed Series 7, every broadcasting company across the globe wanted a piece of the action. As a result, the series was a patchwork of different companies takes on Postman Pat. This was also the first time since the first series that the series was independently produced. It also brought about starting a much sought-after 'clean edge' to the series. Series 8 & 9 were originally intended to air together, but the last half of the episodes (which later became series 9) didn't air due to many of the writers being called up to serve in World War 3.

  1. Postman Cat - Pat wakes up from a coma after being shot by Kyle, and finds a very different world to the one he left behind. Jess has taken Pat's old job at the royal mail (Greendale Post Office has been re-opened due to a kind donation from an anonymous source), and has also eloped with Goggins to an undisclosed location. Pat realises that he has nothing left, so turns back to the bottle. Kyle is seen escaping from jail, but is found trespassing on Farmer Thompson's land and is shot.
  2. Brand New Days - Julian returns to see Pat and helps him through his terrible ordeal. Realising that Julian is all he has left, Pat becomes determined to come clean and get Julian back. Jess and Goggins send Pat a postcard of Jess doing 'unspeakable things' to Goggins, which reads "don't you wish you were here?". Ted vows to help Pat clear out all his substances to be a good father to Julian, but accidentally uncovers some heroin in Pat's bathroom. Julian vows never to return, and states he is going back to live with Dorothy. Pat is shocked to hear that she is still alive, and begins to plan to win them both back.
  3. Ted & Pat's Inebriated Adventure - In the process of clearing out all Pat's substances, Ted & Pat end up on a narcotic binge and wake up in bed together. Scared that he may have done the dirty with Ted, Pat flees Greendale while trying to piece together what happened...and what exactly that camera and that lion were doing in the bedroom.
  4. Postcards From The Past I - In an attempt to once again forget the twisted affair with Ted, Pat goes to a laboratory in search of some "Super Cocaine". This turns out to be some experimental timewarp powder and Pat is hurtled into the past. He arrives at the moment he was shot by Kyle, but changing this results in Kyle vowing revenge and then torturing Julian.
  5. Postcards From The Past II - Pat arrives at the moment he first met the little black and white bastard that is Jess. The episode is basically a clip show of all the good times the two spent together as Pat is in two minds about killing him. These flashbacks last too long, however, and Jess is butchered when Granny Dryden accidentally kills him with a ride-on lawnmower. Job done. Pat throws the remains into a compost bin at Thompson's farm. On halloween. Cue the start of 'Guess With Jess'.
  6. Straight Edge Pat - Pat gets rid of the remnants of his sordid past and returns to work for the royal mail. His first package is some 'legal highs' for Niggs.
  7. "You Heard Me, I'm Straight!" - After a particularly bad night, Ted runs to Pat to tell him that he is now heterosexual. Farmer Thompson uncovers a pendant that used to belong to Granny Dryden.
  8. Julian Comes Home - Dorothy returns and agrees to let the reformed Pat have some custody of Julian. Julian is initially unhappy, but soon grows to accept his father. He is then kidnapped by Ajay, who comes disguised as an ice cream man.
  9. Radical Highs - Pat pursues Ajay to Thompson's farm, where the two battle for Julian. Niggs then blunders along, high as a kite, and shoots Ajay in a stoned haze. Julian and Pat get away as Niggs falls asleep next to Ajay's body. Niggs is sent to prison.
  10. Dear Dorothy - Pat convinces Dorothy to return to Greendale but as she is flying over, Pat gets visited by Goggins - who wants Pat back. Ted agrees to "take care of her" as long as Pat goes and inspects Farmer Thompson's discovery. Dorothy comes home and everything is fine. Goggins vows never to return to Greendale after a night of rampant sex with Ted.
  11. The Cat's Out Of The Bag - Farmer Thompson shows Pat his discovery - Jess' collar and grainy photographs of Pat and Jess together. Pat begins to fear that something is wrong with time, and arranges it so that royal mail send him to deliver a package to the laboratory. The scientist (guest star Stephen Hawking) tells Pat that the past can never change, and time will seek to correct itself. Regardless Pat goes home and, after blaming Julian, beats him with a shoe.
  12. Calling Cards - Julian and Dorothy are called over to America by a distant relative who claims that they have found something of interest to the two. Pat then decides that this gives him the perfect cover to try his attempt at fixing time. He calls it his 'final solution'. When the city reject plans to allow him to build a concentration camp, however, he simply rents out a nuke from the laboratory.
  13. If At First You Don't Succeed...Nuke! - Pat drives away from Greendale after collecting his final paycheck, taking only Ted with him. Pat activates the nuke, destroying all remnants of Greendale. Pat then realises he left his trademark hat there, and hopes that it somehow survived the explosion. When he arrives there, he is met by Granny Dryden. She tells him that MI5 is only one of the projects, and she is also a servant of time. Pat mocks her, until she pulls out a rifle and claims killing him is the only way. She shoots Pat, but Ted mows her down with Pat's truck and then causes the truck to explode. Cliffhanger ending - is Pat finally done for?

Series 9[edit]

The fanbase of the series were uncertain where the series would go after the killing off of so many characters at the end of Series 8, but the pilot of this series showed that figures shot through the roof to see how the series could survive. The majority of this patchwork series was produced by the BBC, so we see Pat's trademark dark side come out again. The series began to compensate for the often outrageous plot lines with the development of character, such as watching Julian grow up and the introduction of Father Bates. However, during airing, the BBC turned their noses at certain episodes and prevented them from airing - all part of their new politically correct agenda.

  1. Call The Angels - Pat is pronounced as good as dead by doctors at Goldbale general hospital after the rifle wound, but he makes a miraculous recovery and thanks Father Bates for it. Father Bates says that in return, Pat must evict this troll that has taken up residence in one of the houses he owns. The troll, who looks a lot like Mrs. Goggins, kills Ted by ripping his arm off and forcing it...well, somewhere uncomfortable. Pat, furious and distraught, cries as he is lifted into the air by the troll. His huge nose runs and the troll is drowned. Father Bates thanks him and, since Ted is now dead, allows him to live there for as long as he needs to.
  2. Pilot Pat - While meeting the locals, Pat is forced into the cockpit of a plane in order to deliver post to Greenland. The irish Pat robot from Series 7 returns, now built onto a fighter jet. However, Pat tricks the robot into flying into a passenger jet full of American lawyers. Everybody celebrates. This also probably helped the rise in figures as this episode was selected as the pilot for this series.
  3. Welcome To Goldbale! - Dorothy and Julian return from america with news: long-lost uncle Patrick is planning to visit. Pat takes a dislike as they share the same name. Dorothy and Julian visit the notable landmarks in the city...that's about it. Lowest ratings of the series.
  4. The Problem With Cheese (Unaired Episode) - The episode consists of, for the first half, Pat attempting to overcome his constipation and have a great big dump. The second half consists of Pat attempting to fix the blockage problem before Bates notices.
  5. If I Had A Gun... - Goggins returns and tells Pat that she is going to tell Dorothy everything about their past. Pat states that if he had a gun he would blow her brains out...she replies that she doesn't need a gun, she's already done that to him. Bates comes along afterwards, and informs Pat that Goggins is his ex-wife. Pat later does kill Goggins with a silenced pistol, but Bates then reads Pat's diary...
  6. The Breakdown - Dorothy reveals that Goggins left her a note, telling her everything. Pat then goes crazy when she tells him she's leaving, locking her in his cellar. Bates is performing an exorcism in vatican city so he is away for a while, so Pat decides to relax for a while. He visits the local meadow and gets urinated on from a moving vehicle.
  7. Who's Your Daddy? - Julian gets laid. Pat finds out. Good times all around. The first episode of Postman Pat to show post-watershed due to Julian's Sex Scene.
  8. Mourning Son - Dorothy dies of HIV and Pat begins mourning. As he is unresponsive, Julian seeks guidance from the church. Bates, who has just returned, takes advantage and touches Julian to get back at Pat.
  9. Dutch Courage - Pat returns to his alcoholic ways. Julian begins to worry about what effect it will have if he tells Pat about Bates.
  10. May God's Love Be With You - Julian tells Pat about Bates, who then hunts down Bates and confronts him. The two fight atop the church, and Pat tells Bates that Goggins was murdered by him. Bates loses his cool and charges at Pat, who winds him with a crowbar and throws him off the top of the church. Bates dies in what can only be described as "something akin to throwing a haggis off the eiffel tower".
  11. Rent Boys & Their Toys - After a few quiet weeks, Pat is slowly getting off the drink when he walks in on Julian and the local rent boy at it like rabbits. Pat disowns Julian, saying that he has no son.
  12. Twilight Time - Pat visits the local pub and wakes up with his nose embedded in a local woman's buttcrack.
  13. To The Moon(Rocks) (Unaired Episode) - The episode was scheduled to air post-watershed, but the BBC pulled it off schedule at the last minute and replaced it with springwatch. Frankly, it would've been safer to show this. Pat goes on a blackout binge with a bottle of whisky and ends up at the start of the world's longest line of cocaine, leading to some marijuana and moonrocks.
  14. New Friend - Pat befriends a dog called Bruno after a local farmer is trying to kill it for eating his chickens, something which Pat in fact did while drunk the night before.
  15. You Can't Spell Friend Without End - As Bruno and Pat are delivering a package of sleeping pills, some apples and a new mirror to a queen, they drive past Julian at the edge of a cliff. As Pat plans to push him off, he notices that Julian is being held at gunpoint by Jess. Pat questions how Jess can exist, and Jess simply states that it only took him to travel back even further in time to prevent it. Pat and Jess have a quick skirmish, culminating in the two beating each other to the ground and talking. Pat attempts to reason with Jess, saying that the change must have corrected itself and they can live happily again now. As confusion and panic spreads, Jess snarls and lifts his pistol. The shot pans away to a longshot of the cliff and a gunshot is heard. Cliffhanger ending - what happened?

Series 10[edit]

Series 10 was the first completely independently produced series ever. This new approach saw the wacky plots begin to take focus again and the characters get pushed onto the backburner. This was also the first series since season 3 to not become critically acclaimed. Although the first episode received amazing ratings and phenomenal reviews, the overall series suffered. Many think this is due to martians invading earth and declaring war...but that's a completely different story. The story follows immediately on from series 9, tying up loose ends. It also sees the end of Goldbale and the return of many of the characters from Greendale in some form.

  1. The Pat Attack - Julian, having been shot, falls backwards off the cliff and plummets into the ocean. Jess, in shock, fires towards where the gunshot came from...locating Niggs. Niggs was furious that Pat never visited him in jail and, realising that he will inevitably go back there for killing Julian, turns the gun on himself and kills himself. Pat reunites with Jess and Bruno skulks off, plotting revenge for being abandoned.
  2. Postman Pat And His Black & White Cat - Pat is recruited to deliver packages for Goldbale Post Service, and Jess accompanies him. Pretty simple & boring episode. Sub-plot includes Krystal being kicked out of Pat's house.
  3. Doctor Thompson - Pat and Jess deliver a package to an address and are greeted by Farmer Thompson, who reveals that since his farm was destroyed he has resided to just being the doctor. He warns Pat that great danger is coming, but is ignored. He then warns Jess that time will fix itself soon.
  4. Krystal Clear - While Pat is enjoying his holiday by the coast, Krystal appears and starts making trouble for Pat.
  5. An Unlikely Alliance - Jess comes across Krystal and Bruno teaming up to rise against Pat. Jess tries to tell Pat, but is captured by the local cat lady, Linda.
  6. A Case Of Pat v Dog - Pat confronts Bruno in an epic showdown, with Krystal trying to help Bruno defeat Pat. Jess scratches Linda and escapes from her clutches, rushing to help Pat before Bruno unleashes his secret weapon.
  7. A Case Of Cat v Dog - As Pat defeats Krystal, Jess arrives and keeps Bruno occupied. A massive skirmish follows, with Jess just about defeating Bruno and throwing him into the ocean. Pat throws in Krystal and the two walk off into the horizon, happy at a job well done.
  8. Skinning A Cow - Pat is asked to deliver a package of fine leathers but loses them. He spends the whole episode producing some fine leathers.
  9. Goodbye Goldbale - When Pat's house is burnt down, Pat goes on a blackout binge and ends up starting the 'Great Goldbale Fire'. Escaping with Jess in his van, Pat heads to the city. Little does he know that Linda is hiding in his van...
  10. Moonwalk - Pat accidentally crashes into another van while exploring the city of Priguard. The van was delivering vital parts to a space association and Pat races to get to the location in time. However, things go disasterously wrong after Pat delivers the package, noticing that The Doctor is tampering with the computer software. Pat chases The Doctor, but he gets away.
  11. Jess' Big Day Out - After a night out, Pat is incapacitated. Jess takes the episode by getting into all sorts of trouble...including stealing Marijuana from a dealer.
  12. The Doctor Will See You Now - The doctor hunts down Jess and attempts to kill him, claiming that it is the only way to fix the errors that Pat caused. Pat comes to the rescue, but it was a trap and the Doctor beats and ties up Pat. He then uses an unnamed object from his pocket to cause a time disruption that engulfs Pat. Jess, scared, urinates up the device. It shortcircuits and all three of them are sucked into an abyss, while Priguard is nearly destroyed.

Series 11[edit]

Series 11 came out following the mixed-reviews of Killer Krystal, receiving good reviews as it showed that there was life still left in the series. As the martians were still at war with earth, this became the BBC's official wartime program. The series was, overall, a throwback to previous storylines, with several alternate takes on plots.

  1. Postman Past - In the white abyss, Pat and Jess are dragged before a council by Doctor Thompson. The council, notably Rusty and Fuzzy, set Pat on the mission to fix his mistake in time. Pat goes back to the day he met Niggs and attempts to kill him to revive Julian.
  2. Zombie Julian - With a zombie Julian causing chaos, its up to Pat and Jess to save the day.
  3. Ajay & Dryden Take To The Skies! - Pat travels back to prevent the destruction of Greendale. Ajay, using Dryden to build himself a flying fortress, prepares to get his ultimate revenge on Pat.
  4. Night Of The Living Jess - Halloween special. Travelling back to just after when he last messed up time, Pat attempts to stop zombie Jess from destroying Greendale.
  5. Save The Cat - Pat travels back to the moment he was about to kill Jess and stops Dryden from running him over.
  6. The Dorothy Issue - After Fuzzy tells Pat that there are other areas that need adjusting, Pat travels back in time in an effort to save Dorothy.
  7. The Hubbard Issue - Pat goes back in time to try and stop Julian being molested by Hubbard.
  8. Pat'll Fix It - Pat rescues Ted from the Troll in Bate's house. He then tells him to wait in some woods for him to return.
  9. Something Is Wrong - Pat stops off at the local pub in Greendale before it got destroyed. He then gets drunk and has sex with Krystal. He then learns she is pregnant and flees.
  10. Happy Families I - Fuzzy tells Pat that he must repair his broken family to save himself. Pat embarks on a mission to stop Dorothy and Julian from wanting to leave.
  11. Happy Families II - With his first plan having failed, Pat travels further back to stop them from ever breaking up: by killing Ajay before anything bad can happen.
  12. Everything Ends - Pat and Ajay square off in the final showdown. Jess tries to intervene, but Pat orders her to stay out of it as it is Pat's job and his alone. The two fight and Ajay gets injured, but as Pat comes charging in he pulls out a knife. A flash of white then engulfs them - similar to the one at the end of the last series. Cliffhanger ending - what happened?

Series 12[edit]

Series 12 marked the end of the war with the martians, leaving it up to Pat to celebrate the finer things in life. In the new age of decadence, the producers were asked to return the series to it's dark & narcotic-infused roots. So that is what they did. The series was divided into two following the murder/suicide of a key writer and the actor who played Ajay. The second half of the series aired six months after the first half finished.

  1. Sunny Afternoon - Fuzzy carries Pat out of the bright white light and into Greendale, where he is lay down in the middle of the town. Fuzzy and Rusty decide that they will not tell Pat why he has been spared, but will instead leave him to enjoy what is left of his life. Jess finds his way back to Greendale and wakes up Pat.
  2. The Wrong Turn - Pat & Jess set off to deliver the final package from Goldbale Delivery (which they failed to deliver before burning down Goldbale) but end up going down the wrong street. All manner of mayhem breaks loose.
  3. The Gold Mine - Jess discovers a gold mine and attempts to get some riches. Meanwhile, Pat uncovers some long lost money and heads off to the local pub for a blackout binge.
  4. Thieves & Cheats - Jess is on the run from Miner Bill for stealing his gold. Meanwhile, Pat wakes up next to a woman who he cannot remember the name of.
  5. Rock Band - Pat, Julian, Jess and Ted form a band together after a night of playing Guitar Hero, with Jess on bass, Ted on guitar, Julian on drums and Pat on vocals and guitar. The band rehearse and play a massive gig at the Greendale Royal Inn.
  6. Rockstars - Following their brawl on stage, Julian and Ted reconcile and hit the town hard. Jess, now officially a rock star, goes on a binge alone and wakes up in the morning with a court order to not got within 10 feet of the public library. Pat stays in and gets obsessed with a certain weed.
  7. Goldbale Calling I - Ted collects Pat from rehab and learns that Pat has made a complete recovery from his debilitating gardening addiction. The band rehearse a few more times and are called up to play a stadium in Goldbale.
  8. Goldbale Calling II - The band escape the burning remains of the stadium and Pat performs a solo acoustic performance for the audience (notably Father Bates) after the rest of the band scamper off home. Pat gains so much attention that a mysterious man approaches him and asks him to do a tour overseas...alone.
  9. Fallout - Julian leaves the band after hearing the Pat is putting the band on ice to do solo ventures overseas. Pat attempts to reconcile with his son, but Julian disappears.
  10. The Battle Of The Pats - Feature length mid-season finale. Pat and the band are booked to perform at a metal concert, so they immediately phone up Fuzzy to help out. But when they arrive at Pat's final show with the band, they find Julian - with the rival band! The battle of the bands commences, and inevitably Pat emerges victorious. He then announces his departure for overseas and heads off backstage to get wasted first.
  11. Magic Jam - Pat kicks off his tour in style by giving a phenomenal performance and managing to end up in his own dressing room afterwards. He is then invited by fellow musician Gregg Smiles to jam backstage, so the two go backstage and begin making Marijuana jam sandwiches.
  12. Another Night Another City - Smiles follows Pat on tour as the opening act and the two move onto a different city. Pat's tour manager is hospitalised after a horse rides him.
  13. Foreign Ideas - Pat is boo'ed offstage at a performance and his ego deflates. Pat disappears for days on end, leading Smiles to cover for him and headline the entire tour. It is revealed towards the end of the episode that Pat is currently residing with some Shao-Lynx monks.
  14. Paradise - Smiles and Pat's tour manager (named in this episode as Beaterschmidt) arrive at the fragrant temple of the Shao-Lynx monks and find Pat chilled out in a corner after becoming hooked on the natural drugs the monks possess. Pat agrees to continue his tour and then stumbles back to the bus. In his first show, Pat is so relaxed from the drugs that his voice is incomprehensible and at one stage he falls asleep.
  15. The Last Stop - The final gig of Pat's sellout tour arrives...but Pat doesn't. Smiles begins his set and Pat is still absent. It is up to Beaterschmidt to find Pat. Pat, when found, plays his final show superbly and finishes in style - by destroying the stage and the mic and then giving his trademark guitar to the closest fan...after setting fire to it. Pat escapes the building in a rush and then goes on a binge with Smiles.
  16. Roman - A Shao-Lynx monk named Roman finds Pat and attempts to join him in his after-tour celebrations. The rest of the show is a black-out binge.
  17. Coming Home - Pat returns home and finds out that Dorothy has been cheating on him with Farmer Thompson. Pat, however, is unable to do anything about it because Thompson is the doctor. Thompson attempts to coax Pat into attacking him, but Pat refuses and goes to get wasted instead.
  18. Dead In The Night I (Unaired Episode) - Unaired out of respect due to the death of the actor who plays Ajay. Pat returns home to find Jess dead, with a letter from Ajay demanding a battle to the death...if he can find him. Pat teams up with Julian, Smiles, Ted and Roman to find Ajay and kill him.
  19. Dead In The Night II (Unaired Episode) - Unaired out of respect due to the death of the actor who plays Ajay. Ajay hospitalises Smiles and Roman, while Julian is forced to try and keep them alive. Pat continues his battle with Ajay until Ajay manages to threaten Ted with death - subduing Pat. Smiles then rushes towards Ajay and strikes him down onto a pile of boulders, breaking his back. Ajay vows that he will return. As the gang make their way to the hospital, Julian goes to burn down Ajay's house and finds Jess inside - alive and tied up.
  20. The Next-To-Last Stand - Doctor Thompson returns with Fuzzy and Rusty and the three begin causing mayhem in Greendale, claiming it has no right to exist. Pat, Roman, Smiles, Ted, Jess, Julian and Krystal all step up to prevent the extinction of Greendale.
  21. The Last Stand - Thompson continues his assault on Greendale. Pat, Jess and Ted manage to defeat Fuzzy while Roman and Julian finish off Rusty. Smiles and Krystal get distracted and go have sex and upon their return Krystal is knocked unconscious by a runaway train set.
  22. Stand Off - With only Pat, Julian, Roman and Jess remaining to subdue Thompson, Thompson begins breaking out his time abilities to flood their minds with an eternity of knowledge. Jess and Julian are instantly subdued, but Pat and Roman continue to fight. As the episode reaches its climax, Roman throws a javelin that goes through Thompson - shattering him into a dozen shards of time which all explode in a white flash of light. The spear is then seen hurtling towards this the end?

Series 13[edit]

Following the mixed reception to series 12 and a turbulent year for the economy (the world's latest dictator had gone a bit mad and had made chocolate coins legal tender), series 13 was in the pipeline for over a year and a half. This led to writers leaving left, right, centre and even above. It also led to a bitter, cynical and less-humorous tone to episodes than previous series'. As filming of the first ten episodes got under-way, the actor who played Julian left the series to become - ironically - a postman. The final ten episodes had to be rewritten accordingly and, due to a contractual agreement from series 10, the final episode of the series had to be produced by an independent company - another move that shocked fans. But Pat was confident that his series would maintain high standards of excellence. It did. But ratings did not follow fashion and dipped drastically. Due to this, and the fact that most writers were either dead or had left, the BBC gave the show two more series - allowing it time to end on series 15.

  1. The Night Greendale Stood Still - Roman's spear hits Pat and he is wounded. Julian and Roman rush to help Pat, but realise they are powerless. As Pat gets rushed to hospital, word spreads to Julian that Hubbard is on the loose once more and is seeking him down.
  2. Pat-o-rama - With Pat still unable to remember anything, Jess and Dorothy try to help him. Meanwhile, Roman and Krystal help Julian hunt down Hubbard before she finds him.
  3. The Time Trial - A flash of white light captures Pat and everybody else involves in the death of Thompson. They are summoned by a time senator called Hummingbird, who begins to hold a trial on what should happen. Learning about the nature of the events, Hummingbird rewards Pat by restoring his memory and offering him "guidance and protection as he follows his destiny".
  4. "Smiles, Baby!" - Smiles and Ted attempt to infiltrate the house of Ajay, following a local rumour that he has secret riches somewhere in the house. The two get locked in and get very intimate. Meanwhile, Pat and Jess get separated while on a day trip to a beach.
  5. Dead In The Night I - This episode is a remake of the previously unaired episode, done following an anonymous leak of the episodes online. Pat returns home to find Jess dead, with a letter from Ajay demanding a battle to the death...if he can find him. Meanwhile, Ted and Smiles desperately attempt to break free from Ajay's house but are gassed and locked in the cellar.
  6. Dead In The Night II - The episode is also a remake of the previously unaired S12.5 episode. Smiles and Ted manage to escape from the cellar upon waking up as Ajay has foolishly left the door open. As they do so, Ajay strikes down Pat continues his battle with Ajay until Ajay manages to threaten Ted with death - subduing Pat. Smiles then rushes towards Ajay and strikes him down onto a pile of boulders, breaking his back. Ajay vows that he will return. As the gang make their way to the hospital, Julian goes to burn down Ajay's house and finds Jess inside - alive and tied up.
  7. Sponge - Jess becomes sexually attracted to a sponge in Pat's bathtub. Mayhem follows. Julian continues searching for Hubbard and Pat attempts the cinnamon challenge.
  8. The Rise Of Rebecca Hubbard - Julian finally locates Hubbard and begins his attack. However, Hubbard has also been looking to kill Julian for ruining her life. As the two clash, Hubbard overpowers Julian and turns a knife on him. Krystal intervenes and is stabbed, several times. Pat and Dorothy go looking for Julian.
  9. The Reign Of Rebecca Hubbard - With Krystal dead, Julian begins to try his own dirty tactics to kill Hubbard. Pat and Dorothy arrive and, along with Smiles and Jess, join the fray.
  10. The Fall Of Rebecca Hubbard - As Pat lies bleeding on the floor, Julian and Dorothy begin to turn the tables on Hubbard. As Hubbard stabs Dorothy, Julian lunges at her and the two tumble off a nearby cliff and down towards a road as Julian shouts "don't worry mum - i'll be back in time for tea!"
  11. Hold Your Own - The family attend Krystal's funeral and spot Bruno. Bruno begins to hunt down Pat, and it is up to Pat and Jess to save the day.
  12. Talk To Granny - Granny Dryden reveals to Pat that MI5 are planning a big event, but there is somebody planning to bomb it and Pat must save the day. Pat goes and, realising too late that it's a trap, is caught in the bomb's explosion.
  13. Heaven Is A Place On Mars - Pat once more meets with Hummingbird, who informs him that he has been watching out for him all along. After explaining how Ajay, the cinnamon challenge, Hubbard and now Granny Dryden all SHOULD have killed him, Hummingbird instructs Pat to kill Rusty and Fuzzy.
  14. How To Get A Head - Pat begins to plan how to kill Fuzzy efficiently. After planting evidence on Granny Dryden, he proceeds to behead Fuzzy and pin the blame on her.
  15. Rusty Nail - Rusty and Pat get talking and Rusty reveals his fears about dying. Pat takes Rusty to the bar and orders him a load of 'rusty nail' cocktails. In the final one, he places an actual rusty nail and forces Rusty to down it. As Rusty does so, he immediately dies and Pat leaves the scene.
  16. "Holy Sh*t, My Son's An Indian!" - Julian finally returns after a long absence. Due to the actor having left the show, he is instead played by one of the sons of the actor who played Ajay. Yes, an indian Julian! Pat is shocked by this and the episode revolves around attempting to figure out what happened.
  17. I, Roman - During a friendly javelin match, Roman begins to act weirdly and then malfunctions - revealing himself as an android. Pat and Jess attempt to defend themselves.
  18. I Came, I Saw, I Conquered - With Pat defeated, Roman turns his sights on Jess and Ted. The duo fight off Roman while Pat recovers.
  19. "THIS IS GREENDALE!" - Pat, now fully recovered, leads the charge at Roman alongside everybody from Greendale. As the forces of Greendale begin to prevail, Roman reveals that Pat is now very vulnerable without Hummingbird - and Roman can exploit this.
  20. Smackdown - Roman lies defeated by Pat and Ted, but now it's up to the two to salvage information from a dying Roman before it's too late. Roman reveals everything about Pat's life, Hummingbird, the reason for Roman's creation and the future of Pat.

Series 14[edit]

With Pat's writers now getting stressed at how to draw the series to a proper close after adding a further twist at the end of Series 13, many left the crew. Following this, the actors playing Dorothy and Smiles joined in to write some episodes. In addition to this, the actor who once played Julian returned to help the crew along. The series consisted of 13 episodes, each one focusing on tying up the storyline before progressing to finish the series forever.

  1. Shards Of Ass - The début episode of series 14 was rating R and therefore aired post-watershed. Pat, Ted, Jess and Smiles all hunt down the shards of Thompson. Ted locates it in the window of Ajay's house and destroys it, managing to capture the shard. However, Jess sits on it and it becomes lodged.
  2. Banana - With Jess incapacitated, Julian and Pat work together to search the Greendale farms for a shard following an anonymous tip-off.
  3. Dryden's Gonna Getcha - With Pat cornered and Granny Dryden going in for the kill, it's up to Ted and Julian to locate Pat before it's too late. Meanwhile, Jess and Smiles locate a shard in a child's birthday cake.
  4. Dear Dorothy - Dorothy and Julian search for a shard which is apparently located overseas. Smiles and Ted help Pat to find Jess, who has found what she believes to be a 'shard mine'.
  5. Battle For Crest Hill I - Jess and Ted begin the task of placing explosives around Crest Hill while Smiles and Pat attempt to fend off an attack by Father Bates.
  6. Battle For Crest Hill II - As Smiles carries Pat's body to safety, Ted insists that he must fend off Bates. As Jess detonates the explosives, Bates beats Ted over the head with a bible and attempts to escape to safety. Ted grabs Bates tightly and refuses to let go, killing them both as the explosives detonate.
  7. In The Mourning - Pat is still mourning the death of Ted and goes out for a night on the town with Jess. The two, while drunk, spot somebody sporting a necklace with a shard competing in a pool competition. Pat enters and tries to win the shard.
  8. The Roman Empire - Pat is called by Reverend Timns who wishes to tell him everything he knows about time, space, Thompson and even Hummingbird. Jess, meanwhile, teams up with Smiles to round up all the shards from the now safe remains of Crest Hill while Julian and Dorothy return with two shards.
  9. Time Is My Enemy - Pat, having searched Roman's body and found three shards, is convinced that Timns could in fact be right about time. As Pat and Timns team up to locate a lost shard in Goldbale, Smiles and Julian chase down Goggins as they believe that she is in possession of a shard.
  10. The Truth Will Set Who Free? - Goggins surrenders her shard, but not before informing Julian of all the sick details of her past experiences with Pat. Julian, in disbelief, sets Goggins free. Meanwhile, Pat and Jess pay Timns a visit regarding the remaining shards.
  11. Still Ill - Dorothy begins to fall painfully ill and reveals that Goggins spat on her several weeks previously. Pat, furious, rushes to locate Goggins but finds that she has died of HIV. Meanwhile Smiles locates a shard belonging to Goldbale's resident mobster, Don Juan-Kerr.
  12. The Time Is Now - Pat and Jess take the trusty van to the location of a shard. However, there is a landslide and the two are trapped. Meanwhile, Julian prepares himself to confront Pat.
  13. No, Future - Pat, Jess and Smiles are convinced that they have located the final shard. As they arrive at Timns to break the news, however, they learn that he is dead. As they head off to obtain the final shard, they are assaulted by a mysterious man - revealed to be the son of Ajay, Sanjay. Julian realises that Timns' body contains a shard and drags his corpse to Pat and the others. As they all fend off Sanjay, the shards glisten and begin to crash together. They all then shoot towards Smiles, killing him instantly. They then sink into his body and he begins to glow. Cliffhanger ending - what will happen next?

Series 15[edit]

Series 15 was referred to as "the biggest risk in television history" by BBC and "a final dive back into the deep end for the writers" by ABC. Pat referred to the series differently, saying "it's brilliant. I'm in it. Of course it's brilliant. I'm in it. It's not the best, but I save it. The series went downhill for a while. Imagine a load of geniuses after a car crash, all brain damaged and whatnot. That's what happened as of series 11. This is the next level though. The recovery. A brief spark of genius returning to the brain dead heads." Series 15 is set to be the final ever series of Postman Pat and is tipped to see the return of Sanjay and Thompson, the final battle between Hummingbird and Pat, the truth revealed about the series and the true nature of Pat and another key character to be shown. It is also hinted that Julian will play his most important role to Pat's nemesis. Due to the fact that this was the final commissioned series by the BBC, the writers spared no expense. To get their revenge on the BBC, they wrote in as many famous faces as possible to litter throughout the series. They also made the final episodes as expensive to produce and film as possible.

  1. The Shard That Broke The Camel's Back - In the time realms once more, Pat and the others rush to attempt to see what is wrong with Smiles. Smiles begins to melt as Hummingbird appears, brimming with evil intent. Hummingbird tells Pat that Greendale is gone and that the final battle has come. Jess and Julian break free of the time realm in order to free everyone but as everyone tries to escape, Julian is collared by Hummingbird and the two vanish together into the time realm.
  2. Breaking Bad - Six months after the events of episode one, Pat is stowing away on a train set for Moscow in order to meet with renowned medium Derek Acorah. However, all is not as it seems...Featuring a guest appearance by Derek Acorah.
  3. The Dark Side Of The Room - Julian is in turmoil after destroying Pat's train from Moscow and believes that he has killed Pat. Julian seeks spiritual guidance to deal with it, but is once more captured by Hummingbird who swears he will "finish Julian's rehabilitation". Meanwhile, Jess tends to a dying Dorothy.
  4. "You Phantom Menace!" - The episode begins with Jess killing Bruno, who has innocently arrived looking for Pat. Meanwhile, while on a trip into Priguard to obtain information, Pat is assaulted by an unknown foe. Pat is soon saved by Qui-Gon Jinn. Pat begins his training to combat the new enemy. The foe eventually reveals himself to an unknown speaker to in fact be Julian. Features a guest appearance by Liam Neeson as Qui-Gon Jinn.
  5. Priguardian Infiltration - Pat meets up with old friend Beaterschmidt, who is now out of work. The two infiltrate Priguard together, with Pat determined to get his information. Meanwhile, Jess and Dorothy go to the library where Jess realises that there is a chance Ted could still be alive. Features a guest appearance by Ozzy Osbourne.
  6. The Hunt For Ted Oktoberr - Pat, Jess and Niggs team up to try and locate Ted at a location near Crest Hill. Meanwhile, Dorothy is kidnapped by Sanjay.
  7. Catnip - Pat, Niggs and Jess chase after Sanjay but Jess is captured and stolen by Linda. Pat and Niggs, who manage to capture Sanjay, begin to torture him until he sets Dorothy free. The two then extract information from him before Pat takes the lead and painfully kills him. Jess, meanwhile, almost escapes but is once more captured by Linda. Jess then resorts to killing Linda by putting her in her oven and escaping through the catflap. Meanwhile, Beaterschmidt chases up one of his old employees. Features guest appearances by Jimi Hendrix and Matt Lucas.
  8. The Doctor Returns - Pat and Jess are shocked when they are approached by Thompson. Following a epic fight, Thompson reveals that he is back to help Pat and explains his backstory. Meanwhile, Julian arrives at his old house where Niggs is taking care of Dorothy. He walks in and, after killing Niggs, kidnaps Dorothy.
  9. Satisfaction Guaranteed - Pat goes to see an arms dealer in regards to finding and killing whoever stole Dorothy and killed Niggs. Jess, Beaterschmidt and Thompson, however, work on a battle plan. Meanwhile, violence begins to erupt between Hummingbird and Julian. Features a guest appearance by Mick Jagger.
  10. End Of The Line I - Pat, Beaterschmidt, Jess and Thompson all arrive at the place that the letter told them to go and find Dorothy, tied up and unconscious. As they all try to figure out what happened, Julian steps forward out of the shadows and explains. He then proceeds to fight Pat, and only Pat.
  11. End Of The Line II - Pat and Julian continue their fight while Dorothy begins to slip away.
  12. End Of The Line III - As Dorothy dies, both Pat and Julian become enraged and fight with all their might. But there can only be one winner. Once Pat finally wins, he turns from Julian but Julian rises and continues the fight several moments later.
  13. End Of The Line IV - Pat finishes off Julian at long last and is forced to kill him. Pat breaks down and begins to weep, while Thompson is suddenly killed by Hummingbird. As Hummingbird approaches, Beaterschmidt attempts to hold him off while Jess tries to reach Pat.
  14. End Of The Line V - Pat continues his fight with Hummingbird and begins to persevere. However, Hummingbird offers Pat a deal: he will revive Reverend Timns, Dorothy and Julian (the good Julian) if Pat sacrifices his life and accepts death at the hands of his servant...Ted.
  15. To Kill A Hummingbird - With Pat dead at the hands of Ted, Ted breaks down and Hummingbird attempts to escape. Jess, Julian and Ted then pursue him while Beaterschmidt and Dorothy tend to Pat's body. The three finally catch Hummingbird and begin the final fight. Jess eventually stabs Hummingbird in the neck with her claws, killing him. The group then return to Greendale, where everything seems to be brighter. Timns blesses Pat's body and buries him beneath the church. The rest of the group attempt to live their lives as normal, with Julian claiming he has big plans for Goldbale and Jess looking at him and nodding confidently.


  • Postman Patrick Pat - the hero (or antihero), Pat is a lovable rogue who enjoys sex, racism, the Daily Mail, extra-marital affairs and crime. He attempts to clean up his act in series 8, but by series 9 he is the same ol' Pat. After a lot of travelling around, he become a rock star and then proceeds to cause problems with time's flow. After having several run-in's with time issues, he eventually finds himself involved in a grand plot. Pat, as of series 13, becomes a very serious character and shows that he is beginning to comprehend his actions and their consequences. This is ultimately proven by his tremendous sacrifice to right his wrongs and save Dorothy and Julian in series 15. (Series 1-15)
  • Niggs - Pat's incredibly violent and racist assistant. Killed by Jess after killing Julian. Niggs makes several other appearances throughout the show, with his last being in series 10. Niggs is not seen again until series 15, where he features in a few episodes until he is killed by Julian. (Series 2-9, 10, 15)
  • Dorothy - Pat's wife. She left him after learning of him sleeping with the prison warden. She was later shot in Series 5. She attempts to leave Pat after Goggins reveals his past, but he locks her up in his cellar in Goldbale. She soon after dies of HIV. She is revived at the end of series 11. Dorothy becomes ill towards the end of series 14 following an encounter with Goggins. This leads us to believe that she has HIV. She dies of HIV in series 15, but is resurrected by Pat's sacrifice. (Series 1-5, 8-9, 11-)
  • Julian - Pat's son, Julian was originally introduced as a minor character who was introduced in Series 1 when it was revealed he had posed naked for Rebecca Hubbard. He became a main character as the series progressed, worming his way into the bigger storylines. His life becomes increasingly complicated, particularly in series 9 when he is found to have been touched by Father Bates and to have had sexual relations with the town rentboy. Julian is shot at the end of series 9/the start of series 10 by Niggs. Julian is revived with the other characters at the end of series 11/start of series 12. He plays a more important role in series 13 but then, due to the actor leaving, plays a wacky role for the remainder of that series. The actor returns at the start of series 14. After Mrs Goggins reveals the secret about her relationship with Pat to him, Julian becomes twisted and begins to question Pat. At the start of series 15, he is kidnapped by Hummingbird and trained to kill Pat. Julian is briefly killed by Pat after an almighty battle at the end of series 15, but is revived by Pat's sacrifice shortly after. (Series 1-10, 11-)
  • Jess the Cat - A stray, black and white cat, Jess was adopted by Pat and has since become one of the most popular characters, with more speaking lines than Farmer Thompson in most episodes. Jess was officially killed off in series 8 in order to kickstart spinoff show 'Guess With Jess', but Jess returned in the series 9 finale. Jess' role became less major between series 10 and 14, but he plays a great role throughout series 15. (Series 2-8, 9-)
  • Ted Oktoberr Glen - Ted, the gay mechanic, always knows how to fix things. He always helps Pat out when he's short of cash, so long as he is repaid by other means. (We mean sex, by the way). Ted was selected by Pat to survive the destruction of Greenbale at the end of series 8, but was killed off in the first episode of series 9. Brought back by Pat in series 11. Ted provides his usual level of help to Pat throughout the series, but is killed in a catastrophic explosion at Crest Hill in an effort to stop Father Bates. He is later found alive in series 15, playing the most important role of the series. (Series 1-9, 11-)
  • Ajay the Indian - Ajay is an immigrant who runs the local train station. First appearing in Series 2, he once tried to sue Pat for racial harassment. Ajay returns in series 8 to kidnap Julian. Ajay's character was never intended to be seen after series 11 as planned episodes featuring him were cancelled after the actor passed away. However, the series 12.5 episodes that never aired were later re-vamped and aired as part of series 13. (Series 2-6, 8, 11, 13)
  • Farmer Thompson - A mysterious farmer in Greendale. Believed to have died in the explosion that destroyed Greenbale in series 8. Thompson is, in fact, an incarnation of the doctor and has reasonable powers over time. After his farm was destroyed, Thompson focused purely on being the doctor and trying to right Pat's near-destruction of time itself. Thompson is killed by Roman at the end of Series 12. Thompson plays a major role throughout series 13 & 14, despite still being dead. He is fully restored from the corpse of Smiles in series 15, but this time endeavours to save Pat from death. He is inevitably killed by Hummingbird. (Series 1-8, 10-12, 15)
  • Granny Dryden - Dryden is an old woman who disappeared at the end of Series 1. It was revealed when she finally returned that she had been working for MI5, though Pat thought she was a serial killer. She died at the end of Series 3. Her return in series 8 announced that she worked for a much higher force, but her death in the same episode showed she is just as feeble as any old lady. She returns in series 11, having been revived. She appears next in series 13 in an attempt to kill Pat, but is later killed by Ted in series 14. (Series 1-3, 8, 11-14)
  • Rebecca Hubbard - Hubbard was the local teacher in Series 1, who later turned out to be a paedophile. She was imprisoned in Series 2. She is revived in series 11, but does not return properly until series 13 where she is killed by Julian. (Series 1-6, 11, 13)
  • Mrs. Goggins - Ex-wife of Father Bates. The local postmistress, she was known to be sex-starved, but Pat apparently refused her advances. When the Royal Mail closed down Greendale Post Office, she moved in with Pat. She elopes with Jess when Jeremy Kyle puts Pat into a coma, but soon comes running back to him. She leaves Greenbale after a night of hectic sex with Ted, and is then spotted again in Goldbale - where she is soon killed by Pat. She is revived at the start of series 12. Goggins makes a proper return in series 14, revealing the sordid details of her past with Pat to Julian. She soon after dies of HIV.(Series 1-9, 12-14)
  • Mac The Dog - Mac is the pet that Pat gets in series 5 after Jess leaves. Mac plays a very minor role throughout his time in the series, occasionally blundering into a main storyline. He loses his tail in series 6 but replaces it with a yardbrush. Mac attacks Goggins twice in series 6 and Pat decides to have him put down. However, a polish immigrant accidentally runs him over before Pat can get him put down. (Series 5-6)
  • Krystal - The adopted daughter of Pat. Pat adopts her in series 7 and, a few episodes later, accidentally has sex with her. Thought dead after Pat pushed her into the ocean, but returned in spin-off series 'Killer Krystal'. Krystal has had few appearances in the series since her revival, as the writers consider her a bitch for demanding her own show. She was officially killed off in series 13. (Series 7-10, 11-13)
  • Reverend Timns - Timns is the resident reverend of Greendale. Featured in only two episodes in series 7, he was presumably killed during Greendale's destruction and then revived with the others afterwards. He returns to play a bigger role in series 14, displaying a lot of knowledge about time and Hummingbird, and why Thompson allowed himself to break into shards. He is found dead at the end of series 14, but turns out to in fact contain a shard of Thompson. (Series 7, 14)
  • Father Bates - The local priest at Goldbale. He meets Pat as he is officially pronounced 'as good as dead'. It later turns out he is the ex-husband of Mrs. Goggins, something which causes friction between him and Pat. He is killed at the end of Series 9 when Pat discovers that he took advantage of a mourning Julian in the confessional. Bates is killed by Pat atop a church. He does however have a brief cameo in S12 E8 before reappearing in series 14. He is soon after killed by Ted as Jess detonates Crest Hill. (Series 9, 14)
  • Bruno The Dog - Bruno was rescued by Pat when a local farmer in Goldbale was attempting to kill him for eating his chickens. The two were inseperable for the duration of that series...the remaining episode. In the finale of the series, Jess the cat returned: something that threw the future of Bruno into question. A poll following series 9 said that Bruno was cute, lovable and fun...but people still wanted him written out of the script. Thought dead after Pat pushed him into the ocean, but returned in spin-off series 'Killer Krystal'. Bruno also appears in series 13, during a crossover between the series'. He appears again in series 15, but is quickly killed by Jess. (Series 9-10, 13, 15)
  • Linda The Cat Lady - Linda appears briefly in series 10 to try and steal Jess. She survives the destruction of Goldbale by hiding in Pat's van. She has a cameo in several series 15 episodes, before finally being killed by Jess. (Series 10-11, 15)
  • Fuzzy - Fuzzy is one of the people who pesters Pat about fixing time. He is thought to be a 'time master'. When all is fixed, Fuzzy becomes a local at Greendale. (Series 11-13)
  • Rusty - Rusty is another 'time master'. After all is fixed, he becomes a shopkeeper at Greendale. (Series 11-13)
  • Greg Smiles - Greg Smiles is a has-been rockstar that never ditched the lifestyle, despite having long since ditched the music. He appears in S12 E11 to make marijuana sandwiches with Pat, and remains after that as Pat's friend - even moving to Greendale to be with him. It is often implied that he is gay, something confirmed by Ted in series 13. Killed at the end of series 14 by Thompson's shards, but his body later becomes Thompson. (Series 12-14)
  • Mr Beaterschmidt - Mr Beaterschmidt is Pat's manager during the rock band saga. He first appears in Goldbale, so it can be assumed that he lives there. He is never seen following the end of Pat's tour, so it is assumed that he died in the fire at the end of tour. Beaterschmidt returns in series 15, jobless, and helps Pat to smuggle himself into Priguard. He then continues to help Pat until the very end of the series. (Series 12)
  • Roman - Roman is a young Shao-Lynx monk who hunted down Pat in search of adventure and narcotics. He returns to Greendale with Pat and finds a cave to live in. He has a monkey cuddly toy named JoJo. It is revealed in series 13 that Roman is in fact a mechanism designed by Hummingbird to lead Pat down a certain path before killing him. Before dying, he tells Pat the only way to get a conference with Hummingbird again is to insult time - by locating the shards of Thompson's soul that were scattered by Roman's spear. (Series 12-13)
  • Hummingbird - Hummingbird is the name of the time senator who summons and watches over Pat in series 13. After thanking Pat for killing Thompson, he restores Pat's memories. Over the course of the series, Hummingbird is revealed to have orchestrated every event in Pat's life so far and was in fact Thompson's boss. Hummingbird nevertheless watches over Pat, protecting him until the end of the series when Pat realises what is happening. Hummingbird appears a few times in series 14, but his major role isn't until series 15. He kidnaps Julian and brainwashes him to kill Pat, alongside his other toy - Ted. He kidnaps Dorothy mid-series in an effort to bring Pat to him. He initiates the final battle by killing Thompson and then revealing Dorothy. Hummingbird is killed in the final episode of the series by Jess, Ted & Julian, following a hectic chase.(Series 13-15)
  • Sanjay - Sanjay is the son of Ajay, who appears towards the end of series 14 to try and dispose of Pat. Sanjay flees at the end of series 14, but returns in series 15 to spread more mayhem by kidnapping Dorothy. It is hinted he is working for Hummingbird. He is soon killed, brutally, by Pat. (Series 14-15)


Postman Twat Patrick Pat: IT'S POSTMAN PAT FOR FUCK SAKE!!! Was born in 1948 making him 33 as of 1981. He is now 71 years old! Holy fuck! Wow! In SDS Special Dickhead Spastic Service, he was aged between 61-65. He was 66 in Postman Pat The Movie. His wife Sara Clifton was born in 1949. She was 32 years old in 1981 when Postman Pat 1st debuted. SDS she was 60-64. 65 in the movie. Sara is currently 70 years old as of 2019. Finally their son Julian Clifton was born in 1975. He was 6 when the show debuted. SDS he was 34-38. Movie aged 39. He is currently 44 years old as of 2019. Me? I know this because I am....older than YOU. Now GET OFF MY LAWN, ya darn kids!


The theme tune for Postman Pat was released as a single. As it was successful, a new Postman Pat song was released entitled Smack My Bitch Up. The song was at number one in the charts for 6 months. It then faded into obscurity for several years, before being played in Series 9 as Pat assassinated Goggins. It then jumped into the charts at number two, where it remained for the next 3 weeks.

Another song, Get In The Van, was featured as the theme tune for the latter half of Series 9 and failed to chart at all. However, it charted at number three several months after the series finished airing when it was performed live at Live Aids: Postman Pat's Benefit Concert.

I've Got A Package for you was the first Postman Pat song to not be released as a single, as it featured in Series 9 during Julian's sex scene, to chart. It went straight to number one and remained there for 11 months.

The lyrics for the original theme tune were:

Postman Pat, Postman Pat...
Postman Pat and his black-and-white, syphilis infected penis...
Early in the morning...
Postman Pat's out whoring...
Postman Pat's a very slutty man.

An alternative, unreleased version of the theme song is as follows:

Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat ran over his cat,
Blood and guts went flying,
Postman Pat was crying,
Postman Pat was full of dismay,
But one thing he just had to say,
He'd never seen his cat as flat as that!
So here is the lesson,
It's by far the Best'un
So learn it please, be a Gentleman,
Pat will never drink and drive again!

Multiple other songs have been featured in the soundtrack to the television series. Most are by unsigned bands as the BBC did not have to pay them for the rights to their music. However, several other songs with explicit lyrics have been included, mostly by Iron Maiden, Muse and Gorillaz.

In 1984, he replaced Roger Hodgson in Supertramp and has stayed in the band ever since.

Untimely death[edit]

Postman Pat was extremely sexually active and was diagnosed with HIV between Series 5 and 6. He then received cancer-of-the-AIDS after his show ended. He suffered in rehab, before partaking in a mass shooting. He then suffered a MAJOR heart attack on 29 July 2016, and died later. Fireman Sam paid tribute to his friend on Bookface:

Good riddance!

Postman Pat Gallery[edit]


Preceded by:
The Devil's Water, Nookie and Other Bad Things
Best Thing in Existence
1980 AD - 2005 AD
Succeeded by:
Yo' Mama