The Postmaster General

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
(Redirected from Postmaster General)
Jump to: navigation, search

The Postmaster General is in charge of the United States Postal Service, a quasi-governmental agency, giving him 2 distinct advantages: he answers to no boss, and anything he does is by definition legal. He is a very secretive individual, and kills all who oppose him. Several people who have edited this article have already been killed. Beware, foolish mortal! He is descended from an ancient race known to us as the SubGenii, and his powers are vast.


According to legend, It all began in the ancient civilization of Atlantis, on the lost continent, where the Yeti once roamed free. The Yeti, who is nowadays called the "Bigfoot", the "Abominable Snowman", or the "Chupacabra", appeared to have tremendous magical powers, but these primitive hairy beasts were far too stupid to understand how to use their powers wisely. The people of Atlantis chained these beasts into cages and hooked them up to machines to drain their magical powers and harness them for the benefit of humanity. However, a mad scientist who called himself "Bob" took it upon himself to cross-breed humans with the Yeti, and create a new race to rule the world: the SubGenius. While the SubGenius has below-average intelligence when compared to humans of the homo sapiens variety, SubGenii can harness the magical powers of their Yeti ancestors. "Bob" personally had sex with thousands of female Yeti, and also persuaded some of his fellow young, naive humans to have intercourse with the Yeti. He discovered the true way to harness these magical powers was something called Slack, and Slack brought with it other powers such as Bulldada and Time Control. When the elders of Atlantis learned of what he had done, they killed "Bob", who had taught the young SubGenii everything they knew. The SubGenii, enraged, destroyed the civilization of Atlantis by quitting their jobs and not doing any work. This led to the downfall of Atlantis, although, ironically, the SubGenii were the only survivors. But there was a great diaspora of SubGenii around the world, mixing in with human populations of every race, on every continent. The SubGenii forgot who they were, and forgot about "Bob".

Thousands of years later, on June 6 in the year 666 A.D., the man we now call The Postmaster General was born, in the city of San'a' in what is now called Yemen. In those days he was known as Abdul Alhazred. His parents were of SubGenius ancestry, but his family had been made to think that they were just like any other Arabs. However, Abdul Alhazred was no ordinary man. He was always superstitious as a child, never believing the most logical or reasonable answers for questions, instead looking for the most bizarre, absurd explanations. Although he was wildly imaginative, he was also quite stupid, and had difficulty telling fantasy from reality. His parents decided that he needed to study under the greatest scholars of Asia Minor, to put to rest his ridiculous beliefs, but his beliefs started to become odder and odder. He journeyed around the lands, visiting the ruins of Babylon and the ancient libraries, and studying the new religion of Islam that had only recently started. He was obsessed with the occult religions that are mentioned and condemned in the Old Testament, and learned all he could about them, and despite his low IQ, he proved exceptionally good at memorization. Soon he started discovering the magical powers he had inherited from his bloodline, and began working on uncovering the secrets of Egypt's long-forgotten Book of the Dead. He recited incantations to increase his own intelligence, raising it from an estimated original value of 75 to probably well over 200 after doing this for years. In the year 730 A.D., he had learned all of the secrets of necromancy and black magic which had ever been known to humankind, and wrote a book on them called al-Azif, which later became known as the Necronomicon.

It is at this point that the history becomes less clear. There are conflicting historical accounts of him dying in various years after writing the Necronomicon, such as 731 and 738. All of these accounts contradict each other. It is clear that he made a lot of enemies when he published the Necronomicon in 730 A.D., since a fatwa was put against him by the Islamic Caliphate, the Byzantine Emperor ordered him to be apprehended and executed, and the Pope in Rome added his book to the list of banned books, despite keeping a copy safe in the Vatican. In any event, Abdul Alhazred did not die, despite the rumors to the contrary. There was a bounty on his head and many people claimed the prize, yet nobody could prove he had killed the man who had become known as the "Mad Arab". In truth, he had used his black magic to fake his own death, on multiple occasions, and kept changing his identity to evade capture. For centuries he went into hiding, and he prolonged his own flesh by drinking the blood of others and performing dark rituals. He gathered a band of followers by developing telepathic abilities, and using them to gauge who would be suitable to assist him in his cause, and together, they pursued ever greater knowledge of dark magic, and eternal life which was granted through feasting on the flesh of living humans.

He was a hunted man throughout the Byzantine Empire, and after the Ottoman Turks took over, things got even worse for him. He fled to Europe, and found refuge in Transylvania, which is nowadays a region of Romania. He lived in Transylvania for hundreds of years, under many different names, such as Dracula, Vlad the Impaler, and others. Sometimes he was more open about his particular lifestyle choice, such as when he tried ruling a government and called himself Vlad the Impaler. Other times he was in hiding, living underground with his followers, who had by then reached into the thousands. With the rise of the Austro-Hungarian Empire and its takeover of Transylvania, he decided he needed a change of scenery, moving first to London, then to Paris, and eventually to the New World, America.

In the Puritan colony of Massachusetts, for a time, he was known as Cotton Mather, and he was behind the brutal executions of several unfortunate women in Salem who not only were not witches, but were actually innocent bystanders who had simply seen some of his followers performing their dark rituals and had to be killed because they had seen too much. The real witches got to live, and he had secured a moral victory for those who pursue his lifestyle choice of black magic, making it no longer feasible for people to execute others suspected of witchcraft or dark sorcery. He has gone by many other identities in the centuries since then, which he has spent living in the 13 colonies and then the United States of America. He has gathered more and more followers over the centuries, and gained more and more enemies. Increasingly, he had to start seeking out positions of power in society in order to protect himself and his followers from public scrutiny. Eventually, he became Postmaster General, which proved to be the perfect position for him, because it granted him the power he needed without any constraints on its use, and gave him access to a nationwide network of post offices that, every day, send out postal workers to visit every mailbox in front of every mailing address in the nation. This allowed him to monitor what people were saying about him without having to resort to mind-reading, because it was taxing enough to control what had now become millions of followers. He put his followers to work, eventually terminating the employment of all normal humans from the United States Postal Service.

The Postmaster General Today[edit]

Today, the Postmaster General has diversified his ranks of minions a great deal. Originally, besides his living followers who practiced his teachings of vampirism for eternal life, he also had followers who were undead (brought back from the grave), as well as demons which he summoned. While the undead served as mindless slaves and obeyed his every command, they were also quite stupid and weak, requiring him to summon vast numbers of them because they are so easy to kill. Demons, on the other hand, are quite powerful and often very intelligent, and usually pursue their own agendas when summoned to the mortal realm. He found the only way to control demons is to enter into blood pacts with them which bind them to you eternally. Many lesser mortals have entered into such pacts, only to become the helpless pawns of the demons and have their souls eternally dragged down into hell. Only a true master such as the Postmaster General knows how to do it right, so the demons serve a human master, and not the other way around. After an alien spacecraft crashlanded in Roswell, New Mexico, in 1948, the Postmaster General spearheaded a conspiracy known as the "Majestic 12", who covered-up this incident and other evidence of alien activity on Earth, and began work on producing alien-human hybrids at the behest of the Greys, a group of aliens who the Majestic 12 allied themselves with. However, another group of aliens, the Reptilians, are fighting a great intergalactic war against the Greys, and they have targeted the planet Earth, aiming to enslave all of humanity. The Postmaster General is the only person powerful enough to stop them, and he has been spearheading the resistance to them, while at the same time covering up any evidence, using the Majestic 12 conspiracy to coordinate activities throughout the branches of the United States Government and major defense contractors. Having realized that humans, the undead, demons, and our Grey alien allies are all still too weak to take on the Reptilians, the Postmaster General has more recently turned to the emerging science of robotics to create a race of self-replicating robotic super-soldiers which all obey his every command. He is fighting for the survival of humanity and Earth, but using dark forces to achieve his ends. He may prove to be the only one capable of saving us.

His #1 Archenemy: "Bob"[edit]

"Bob", the mad scientist from Atlantis who first created the SubGenius race, has been reincarnated many times, according to legend. Every time he comes back, he is stupider than before, yet his luck never seems to run out. After he first died, the SubGenii he had created secretly restored their master to life in a new body, using the magical powers he had taught them all how to use. Except, instead of being an eccentric but still human person like before, he was now reincarnated as a true SubGenius, in fact the truest of all SubGenii. He had now become one of his own creations, like Dr. Frankenstein becoming Frankenstein's monster. Mere hours before Atlantis sank into the ocean, mystic flying saucers just happened to land right near the clothing-optional campground that "Bob" had directed his fellow SubGenii to build. The aliens transported the SubGenii to safety, distributing them all over the world amongst the various tribes, but as for "Bob"? He went back to their home planet, where he found out all about the secrets of a magical herb called "frop" which can be used by SubGenii to regenerate and enhance their powers, and discover new insights. Frop originally only grew on that planet, and, once he returned to Earth, "Bob" could only find one place where the plant would grow, on the graves of some Yeti who had perished in the harsh winters of Tibet. And so "Bob" planted the frop, and grew a great harvest from the graves of the Yeti, and smoked as much as he possibly could, until he died from carbon monoxide poisoning. "Bob" was reincarnated again, and again, and again after that, each time slowly rediscovering some of the secrets he had known in past lives, eventually adopting a pipe as his preferred means of smoking frop, because this reduced his chances of dying from carbon monoxide poisioning yet again. But he kept getting dumber and dumber each time he came back, as the frop started to permanently reduce his intelligence, throughout multiple reincarnations.

Eventually, in 1953, "Bob", who in this incarnation was known as J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, happened to be working on an amateur television set of his own design, when he was electrified, and had a great vision, called the Divine Emaculation of "Bob". It was a message from JHVH-1, or Jehovah-1, the Great Manipulator in Space, an evil power more potent than anything else known to humankind, known to most other major religions as God, Allah, The Great Spirit, Brahma, Zeus, or other names. J.R. Bob Dobbs went about the business of founding the Church of the SubGenius, to spread his message to all the SubGenii of the world, warning them that these were the end times and the Apocalypse was coming, on a day to be called "X-Day", which would occur on July 5, 1998. Only by joining the Church of the SubGenius could SubGenii gain admission to the Pleasure Saucers of the Alien Sex Goddesses, who will come and rescue all true SubGenius church members on X-Day (if X-Day has not already happened yet by the time you read this article). The Church of the SubGenius is the only way to escape from the torment that will befall everyone else, who are under the sway of the Conspiracy led by the Postmaster General. Although the Postmaster General is the only one keeping Earth from being conquered by hostile alien forces who seek to enslave all of humanity, he cannot rescue us if he is dead. So, "Bob" and his followers in the Church of the SubGenius are plotting together with their allies in outer space (who happen to be on the opposite side of the intergalactic war from the side the Conspiracy is on) to kill the Postmaster General. They have their own secret calendar, in which 1998 happens a different year than in the Gregorian calendar used by the Conspiracy. So, although it is certain that the Postmaster General will be killed on July 5, it is not clear what year this will take place, at least not in the Gregorian calendar commonly used by most humans.

The Postmaster General has recognized that "Bob" and his followers are the only real threat to him at this point, and so he and those in the Majestic 12 Conspiracy have tried to subvert the Church of the SubGenius every step of the way. In fact, they have managed to erase all evidence of the Church existing prior to 1979, when the Church of the SubGenius published its widely circulated and most famous work of propaganda, "Pamphlet #1". Two SubGenii who "Bob" trusted who had studied public relations began a PR blitz, and they call themselves Reverend Ivan Stang and Dr. Philo Drummond. They had their first radio interview in 1980 on the Mr. Opinion Show, and before long there were SubGenius radio shows all over the country, SubGenius infomercials on late night television, SubGenius preachers holding devivals in the remotest jungles of Bolivia, and, before long, in 1984, a tragedy happened. The Postmaster General and his agents in the Conspiracy had J.R. "Bob" Dobbs killed, the same incarnation of "Bob" who had received the message from JHVH-1 back in 1953. After that, the Church of the SubGenius struggled to find "Bob" again. They tried cloning him, they tried reanimating him, and they tried searching the globe for little boys who had pipes and smoked frop in them. But no luck. So they gave up searching and started slacking off, and no sooner had they all embraced Slack than "Bob" returned, in full health, beaming with a huge smile on his face, a pipe of frop in his mouth, and his wife "Connie" by his side! The Postmaster General was befuddled. His undercover postal agents who had infiltrated the Church of the SubGenius, such as Papa Joe Mama and G. Gordon Gordon, had failed in their mission. So he had to resort to more drastic means. He had to infiltrate the judicial system in upstate New York and interfere in a child custody case. So he did.

Two prominent SubGeniuses for years have been Rachel and Steve Bevilacqua. Rachel calls herself Reverend Mary Magdalen, and Steve calls himself Reverend Jesus Christ. On February 3, 2006, a conservative Catholic judge named Judge Punch in rural upstate New York had a child custody hearing on the then 10-year-old son of Mary Magdalen, whose name is Kohl. Custody of the child was awarded to a man who has never worked a day in his life, paid by the government not to work, because he has a "disability" called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. This was done in order to prevent Kohl from being indoctrinated into the Church of the SubGenius by Jesus and Mary Magdalen. Why? The Postmaster General had been using his psychic powers to try and sense who had the most powerful magical abilities inherited from Yeti stock. The child Kohl was found to be even more of a SubGenius than "Bob" himself. The Postmaster General plans to use this child's powers to defeat "Bob" and the Church of the SubGenius, thus ensuring victory for the Greys in their intergalactic war against the Reptilians. But "Bob" cannot be stopped so easily. He and his followers are plotting to get Kohl back and use the child as their secret weapon, and ultimately have Kohl cast the spell Meteo on the Postmaster General, taking away all 9,999 of the Postmaster General's hit points, as well as 9,999 hit points from every other enemy of the Church of the SubGenius, all simultaneously. But it will be a long time before their child has reached the level where he can cast Meteo. The Bevilacquas have been poring over ancient texts from Mysidia, the great city of mages that perished along with the rest of Atlantis, over 8 thousand years ago. And once the Postmaster General is defeated, Kohl will have to fight him in his true form, as Abdul Alhazred. Then the Reptilians will attack and conquer Earth, and go on to fight and defeat the Greys on many other planets, while the SubGenii escape on the Pleasure Saucers to safety and an eternal orgy of great sex. Even after that day, there will be an uncertain future for this child, because Xenu, the leader of the Reptilians, has expressed a personal interest in meeting the child, since Xenu is looking for a worthy apprentice. The only people outside of the top levels of the Conspiracy who know about Xenu are in the Church of Scientology, which, like the Conspiracy, is a staunch ally of the Greys. After X-Day, Xenu will conquer the Earth and enslave all its people, and he will personally torture and kill all Scientologists.

Of course, all of this is assuming that the plot against the Postmaster General succeeds. But "Bob" and the Postmaster General have been enemies for centuries. Perhaps even "Bob" could cast Meteo, if he remembered how. But he already sold all his books on magic for a tidy profit years ago. "Bob" has been so focused on money and sex, he and his followers might just slack off and completely forget about this intergalactic war.


Clearly, the Postmaster General is far more than he appears to be. His alliance with the Greys may very well prove to be his undoing, once more people find out about all the crop circles, cattle mutilations, UFOs, and anal probes being done by the Greys. In order to muddy the waters, he helped his friend L. Ron Hubbard develop the ideas for Scientology, once he found out that J.R. "Bob" Dobbs had given L. Ron the idea of founding a religion to make money off people's stupidity. The Postmaster General has managed to have all of the bad things he does blamed on the Scientologists, giving them free bad publicity, and in return the Scientologists have the entire U.S. judicial system manipulated so that they always win every court case. Thus, Tom Cruise is allowed to make a spectacle of himself and bring public attention to Scientology, thereby triggering everyone to accuse the Scientologists of all sorts of horrible things, and then the United States Postal Service looks clean as a whistle by comparison. Also, people are conditioned into hearing that Xenu is an evil madman who leads vast intergalactic armies of aliens who threaten to destroy Earth. This could pave the way for a crackdown against the Church of the SubGenius, the only people who have an exit strategy. But the Postmaster General was doomed from the start, ever since he first began raising the undead and summoning demons. While Jehovah-1 is currently backing the Greys and helping prevent the takeover of the Earth, the Great Manipulator in Space JHVH-1 is waiting for the right moment to suddenly switch sides and throw his full support to Xenu on X-Day. Jehovah-1 is sick of the machinations of the Postmaster General whose true name is Abdul Alhazred, and it is only a matter of time before Jehovah-1 throws his support to Xenu and lets "Bob" and his followers escape unharmed on the Pleasure Saucers as promised. Until that day, which will be July 5 of this year or next year or soon after that, the Postmaster General will be the most powerful person on Earth, with millions of brainwashed followers all across the world, and armies of undead, demons, aliens, and robots at his disposal. X-Day will have to come soon or else the Postmaster General may become too powerful, and then Earth will become a threat to both sides in this intergalactic war. And in that case, the aliens would have no choice but to unite against Earth. And even then, X-Day would happen. So in the end, the Postmaster General is doomed to failure. But at least he will be able to say he tried, instead of doing something stupid like quitting his job and slacking off.