From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Dick Cheney?
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Potato.
Of all the photos in this article, Sophia unsurprisingly comes first.
This article is a Spud. You can help Uncyclopedia by boiling it, mashing it, and/or sticking it in beef a stew.
potatopedia logo


The most common technique for preparation requires hours of marinating in snake oil before slicing and boiling the spuds in a delicious stone soup. Celebrity chef Emiril Lefaggot pioneered the revolutionary new recipe, which since its inception in 1984 has caught like wildfire. However, a large percentage of the senior population, especially in Hungary, call the new recipe "Wasteful", and a "Waste of some perfectly good spuds". These hold outs prefer the simpler "Boiled, Mashed Spud Stew" recipe, created by Samwise Gamgee, in an attempt to appease a puppy rapist, and gigantic pussy.

Continue of "Hey, I mean it"[edit]

Not a Potato


~ Dan Quayle on Potato

“Är du ett mordar potatis?”

~ Ejden on Potaoes

“Potatoes is in this article!”

~ Captain Obvious on this article

“Boil 'em. Mash 'em. Stick 'em in a stew”

~ Samwise Gamgee on Potatoes

“Boil 'em. Mash 'em. Stick 'em in YOUR MOM OOOOH!”

~ Oscar Wilde on your mom

“I Like Potatoes”

~ Eduardo from Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends on Potatoes


~ An Irishman on Potatoes

“In Soviet Russia, the potatos eat CAKE!!”

~ Some Random Russian guy

“But can it hold twenty times its weight in liquid?”

~ Shamwow Guy on Potatoes

“I saw the Potato!”

~ Mistranslated T-shirt at a Pope Rally on seeing the Pope

“It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.”

~ Douglas Adams on Potatoes

“I liekz to eat da potatos with cheeze!!”

“No its not, you mortal fool ! We make this vodka from the potatoes !.”

~ Stalin on Above Quote

“Are you suggesting that potatos migrate?!?”

~ Some British guard around 932 A.D. on the picture depicting a potato achiving flight by the clever use of lots of string


~ Unknown Chinese Philosopher, c.420 A.D.

“Potato, po-tah-to.”

~ Double pronunciation on potatoes
A clutch of Russets caught mid-flight in winter migration. Like the Lamprey (Petromyzontidae), Hagfish, and Democratic Senator (Americae DemocRATus Dick-Headicus) and other eel-shaped jawless fishes having well-developed eyes and a large disk-shaped suctorial mouth armed with horny parasitic teeth, the Potato achieves flight by the clever use of lots of string.

Potato :(pronunciation) (plural: taters or 'spuds in American English, adj: potatoe) An edible tumor found growing in nimbus clouds. Selective breeding and hybridization have produced several varieties of potato. Some of these are named for their colour, such as the delicious Yukon Gold, the Bolivian Blueskin, or the Transparent Tuber; others are named after people, such as the bakeable Burbank, the Lesser Spotted Miley Cyrus (which is very good for mashing), the crisp King Edward, or the large and tasty Oscar Wilde. Remember, the proper way to prepare a potato is to boil them long and well, mash them finely , and stick them into a stew. Related to the deadly family of nightshade plants, the potato is revered as a risky food eaten only by connoisseurs and dare-devils (see also Fugu). Potato is also the name of the seventh moon of Saturn. The first ever potato was named Alfreda, she, interestingly, had a nut allergy. Pity.

Potatoes are frequently engaged in the sport of Bastard Fishing, in which contestants write short romantic novels involving a potato's heroic escapades from coax the potato's lair. Foul play is punishable by Tom Prentice Treatment. Originating in Texas in the 14th century from the illiterate minds of desperately bored inbreds ("see also The Canterbury Tails"), Bastard Fishing has been taken up by many.

The potato is the focus of the recent Coopact Wars over control of the vital Potato Clouds of Idaho. Potato clouds are often sighted hovering over Kentuckistan, but this never lasts as Machid rain destroys them brutally.


If you can beat this spud in a staring contest, you have no life.

“Once I shagged a chick whose ##### was so large, I didn't pop her cherry; I popped her potato.”
~ Oscar Wilde on potatoes

Potatoe is the most challenging word in the English language to spell. Used in several spelling bees world-wide, potato was even misspelled by John Candy in 1992, he spelt it 'Prastamashigati'.

"I am fat because I eat 10 potatoes a day and not tomatoes." -Oprah

A potato named Sophia is the symbol and mascot of the universe (also known as Uncyclopedia). Just drop one on a book, place it next to your computer, and you will never be alone. You will, however, be laughed at by everyone else for needing a potato as company. When they do this, feel free to note that they apparently need several other things as company, such as a nose or a kitten huffing retarded friend.

A potato is the unit of measurement representing the amount of beer one can chug before dying of laughter. Although its exact magnitude is indeterminate, it is acceptably approximated in the scientific community as "A whole bunch". There are two potatoes to a turnip, four turnips to an asparagus and three asparagus es to a potato.

A potato is feared for its intoxicatingly yummy nature. On ingestion, it tends to cause sleepiness and/or drowsiness with slight constipation. It is associated with a homosapien weakness of catastrophic proportions (especially around waist, thighs and other sagging bits ), popularly known as CPS Couch Potato Syndrome or not as popularly known CPS "Computer Potato Syndrome".

The Potato Wars[edit]

Also known as the Irish Potato Famine. On an Irish hill side a long time ago, the potatoes revolted, sick of being eaten, mashed, skinned, boiled, and baked by their red haired bearded masters they began to carry out their underground guerrilla war on Irish farmers. Through attrition they managed to drive them off to the United States. Upon crashing into the Washington Monument, they broke out their Guinness and set the foundation for many, many, many carefree days. The potatoes finally came to an agreement: if the very foxy and vivacious Sweet root was classified as a sweet potato and allowed to interact in a completely disgusting and secret ritual of sex they would come back, and thus, it has been ever since.


The potato was invented completely by accident, by Reginald Potato in 1924, while trying to extract potassium from the entrails of crows. The plural of potato is potatornatore, however the 'e' was added after Reginald's passing in 1957 as he was allergic to the afore-mentioned letter. Alternative theories suggest that Chuck Norris stole the idea of the potato from the Uncyclopedia logo. Potatoes are found in many modern day products such as chips, 7up, hair gel, tomato ketchup and Ted Danson. A disputed tidbit comes from the suggestion that the potato's name came instead from the man P. Otato, who first began to crop the potatoes in Dodge Stratus Clouds.

When ask for his comments on how to stop this growing threat former President Ted Kennedy had this to say, "Potatos are like the black plague, you can't see them coming, but you can sure smell them."

Whatever you do... don't forget about the hairy potato chips that are being sold in Austria right now for $127 a chip. They are delicious and worth a taste. The hairs tickle the tongue and make it feel all happy and warm inside. It's an orgasm for the mouth.

Potato day was started by Martin Luther King after slaves found Sophia buried under several tons of chalky deposit.

In 1203, many people thought that potatoes were rocks. Since one man was starving he picked it up and started eating it. It was delicious and has been ever since.


Here you can see the dreaded "Loch Ness MARIo" in one of its very rare above ground appearances. Note: the camera may or may not have been huffing kittens whilst this picture was being taken. This is also the most realistic of it to date. Mmhmm. No doubt. Nooooooooooo doubt.

The damage incurred on many western nations by the use of designer potatoes has tolled in excess of 8 million men, women, and children. Rehabilitation clinics are over capacity with mash-heads. In America, legislation now requires clinics and hospitals to turn potato addicts over to a new para-military branch of the Department of Immigration and Naturalization Services, known as the Spud Patrol.

Asked why these hapless victims were not receiving care, Vice President Dick Cheney replied, "You don't actually expect me to answer your questions about the policies of this Administration, do you? Hey, I just work here. If these evildoers want to stuff themselves full of garbage then let them do it in Idaho. We don't want or need them in this country!"

Potatoes were once dropped on a third world country from an airplane. The potatoes came unpackaged and killed many villagers on impact. The UN is adressing this spud instability problem with automatic gyroscopes installed in each spuds.

In early 2009, a shipment of potatoes to the UK introduced a spate of potato beetles to the country, causing a severe potato drought - leaving thousands of Fish and Chip shops without chips. Many desperate establishments were forced to fry turnips in place, but the British public couldn't do without them and millions migrated North, causing an economic depression which is still apparent today.


It is said that one day a Sacred Potato will rise from the ashes of a root vegetable farm and muster a legion of Holy Potatos to war against the Brotherhood of Root Vegetable Farmers, who will, in turn eat the potatoes who helped tham and then be eaten by the Americans.

This is true.

Note: some or all of the above may be a potato.

Though decidedly not the funniest of tubers, potatoes may in fact be the most controversial, having been at the center of two major world scandals since their discovery in the 16th century by some crafty European colonists:

  • First the Irish Potato Famine, and more recently,
  • the shocking defeat of U.S. Vice Vice President Dan Quayle in an academic debate during which Mr. Quayle denied on principle that an e could be joined to an o, revealing to America a dark new side of the Democrat party's political theory and extreme incompetence in kitten huffing.
One of the most famous potato hunters, Jack Thompson.
Wayne Rooney about to go into battle with Jack Thompson after he killed Mr potato head(His wife to be)

According to Bush, potatoes are classified as WMD's (weapons of mass destruction).

Potato Hunters[edit]

Potato Hunters are those that use their lives to hunt potatos. They often have different kinds of equipment, for example female potato dolls to trick the male potatos. Paul Robinson founded the Hawkesbury Heights Potato Hunter Association branch in 1990.

Due to a huge increase in potato defense funding, first proposed by Sir Bushingworth IV, Potato Hunters have been declining sharply in number. The main method employed by potatoes to dispatch of their would-be assailants, is to mash them, although chipping, boiling and roasting have also been reported in more native regions of Scotland. The latter forms are particularly fine for eating, but it is sadly ironic that the Potato Hunters' own delicious flavor would ruin them so.

Oscar Wilde was not a potato hunter. Therefore he is completely irrelevant to this article.

Ethiopian Military Potatoes[edit]

The Etiopian Armed Forces has been using the potato for over 50 years as their weapon of choice in the fight against becoming a first or second world country. The potato's unique potato-like shape makes it perfect for hurling at the enemies of the Ethiopians. In fact, in 1984, during the Great Ethiopian-Swedish War, a two man military squad was able to disturb and then defeat all 5 soldiers in the entire Swedish Army.

In 2005, Ethiopia announced that it is developing a new stealth potato. The potato, which is invisible to radar, will be debuted in Iraq by next year. This innovation may propel Ethiopia to the class of World Superpower, level 9. The potato although seeming to be innocent looking , can be a dangerous weapon so we are warning you now to tread carefully as soon as you see one. It has dangerous unknown qualties not yet name by those scientists who think they are so clever and are top of the world as soon as they discover a new atom.


(Trivia sections are discouraged at Wikipedia, but nobody cares at Uncyclopedia)

When did Uncyclopedia get a potato company? Ah, we don't care, do we? Now, GIVE US THOSE SPUDS!!!

Potatoes are used as a general form of currency in Scotland, as well as the rest of the UK. This switch to currency caused an economic depression in Ireland called the Potato Famine. Also, Siberian monkeys have been known to throw them at windows. When questioned, the Siberian Monkey League/Association/Cult declined to affirm the charges.

A sharpened potato to the heart is the only way to kill the Irish.

The word "Potatoes" was most famously used in the film version of "The Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers" by the hobbit Samwise Gamgee. The little gimp spells the word out "Po-tat-oes" in relation to a question as to what taters were. If one is to turn the volume down on this scene and lip read what Sam is saying he clearly says: "Mo-naked-hoes". Samwise also reveals to us what the uses of taters are: "Po-tat-oes; boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew". (Try this with the same potato, it doesn't work, Sam's a liar).

Potatoes have stirred up revolt in Ireland, such as the Great potato rebellion of 1266.

Calling someone a spud is a compliment in Celtic countries; call them a spud at any given time or place (even on the toilet).

The potato is a living creature that will likely harm any human that seems offensive. A common theory is that southern Wales potatoes were the first to become outwardly violent.

The potato's main method of defense is to stick you with a poison injecting needle, though other breeds such as russet are known to use pointy sticks instead.

Some people say potato like it rhymes with tomato. Not the American way of saying it, the way everyone in the rest of the civilized world does. You know. Tom-AR-to. Yeah, well, people say potato like that too. Pot-AR-to. No wonder Bush is president. This could have also been the reason why the great Pikachu farted potato missiles at the tomato festival in Spain.

Potato's are an essential part of our daily life. If potato's did not exist, then the world would simply implode on itself, in a giant, non-potatoie mess similar to the Dominican Republic.

Potatoes frequently crop up in mythology, with such tales as the minotour and the slaying of medusa featuring potatoes capable of controlling Galapogos lizards.

"Potatoes" comes from the ancient greek word pot - attos, meaning to be thin and weary, but also with the infuriating sound of a man choking emitting from the soles of ones feet.

Potatoes are from Saturn! this site uses a potato as an icon thus proving(my theory)that sites like this are promoting a pro-alien agenda

It is a little-known fact that a freshly-dug potato, when squeezed just the right way, will produce a stream of vodka. Squeezing it the wrong way may result in Rubik's Cubes or paper doilies. Furthermore heating stale potatoes with rock salt, gives a special moisturising cream which can be used for soothing the asses of camels tired after long sessions of Salsa in the hot dessert.

Science has proven that one day "POTATOES" will grow wings and destroy the human race one by one with their HEATVISION and their buttery temptations.

Narcotic Properties[edit]

The potato has been long known as a narcotic similar to LSD. The ancient Mayans used to use them to open their minds during the construction of their buildings, which contributed to their crazy architecture. Taters have been banned in the 48 contiguous united states since 1875 and Alaska and Canada since 1999. In 1939, the French army conducted a test by giving their troops Potatoes during combat. The soldier's inclination to climb trees to feed the birdies probably caused their defeat in World War 2. When you're on Potatoes, you feel euphoric, like you really want to walk on a chessboard while biting your tongue. You can also see smells and taste sounds. Potatoes cause you to write stupid articles on Uncyclopedia and makes you really want to have sex with your shoe. Later in the trip, you see rabid beasts eating corn. As you come down from the high, you begin to uncontrollably urinate and pull your hair out and shove it in your ears. Potatoes can be smoked, snorted, or injected, but can also be directly ingested, but with minimal effect. Many websites dedicated to growing Ganja also cover the cultivating of potato plants. Potato pushers are known on the street as "Spud Shooters" or "Tater Waiters", and usually make millions of dollars selling their product to Wendy's.

Due to their narcotic properties, sweet potatoes in particular have been known to induce labour in pregnant women and are still commonly used in hospitals in southern Albania for this purpose.

Potatoes and Ireland[edit]

In Ireland, Potatoes caused a major famine, because people realized potatoes did not exist. There are really the deposits from a alternate dimension named X11. The physical properties of a potatoes in our world are similar to oxygen in X11. Some Irish people have blamed potatoes for cattle mutilation. Potatoes have influenced art directly from X11. Like Mr. Potato Head and spud guns.

Okay, Honestly[edit]

Potatoes pwn tomatoes. Have you ever eaten fried, sliced tomatoes? I think not. And do fast food resteraunts serve tomatoes in little paper cartons? No. The potato is obviously superior. It has also featured in an advert - do you see tomatoes? Er, no. Poor Madsy bayeby yes. Madsy eats potatoes, but not tomatoes.

External links[edit]

See also[edit]