|Release Date||No one remembers|
|Would Stephen Hawking play it?||Yes! Maybe.|
“The elderly are old people.”
Power Instinct (AKA "That Game With The Old People", and "Goketsuji Ichizoku" in Malaysia) is a fighting game made by Nintendo that butted heads with the oh-so-powerful likes of Street Fighter and The King of Fighters with savage savageness. Unfortunately, it didn't succeed, but it won the hearts of the elderly, giving it just enough to exist. However, old people are considered a minority, so things couldn't work out for too long. A string of sequels were, however, released over the time in hopes more people would pick it up but no, they ignored it because they had Street Fighter and The King of Fighters to play with.
The sequels each had the same plot, and all released on multiple consoles and systems. One of the sequels, Matrimelee, was later adapted into a play performed entirely by mimes.
It's a lovely day out today. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the youth are visiting their grandmas and grandpas in the Atlus Retirement and Garden Home (also known as ARGH for short). It's just another boring, pitiful day of changing the old folks' diapers and slowly, slowly helping them across the hallway to the cafeteria while they shuffle about on their walkers so they don't fall down and break their brittle hips, smelling as foul as old people can and weakly talking to you about their grandkids or complaining about youngsters these days. But that's life for the elderly. You can't blame them. Oh yeah, the gardening thing... they do that a lot as a hobby. But it's the only one there so yeah, still sad.
But one day, one of the elderly people here is more energetic. A really big trouble making sort. Her name is Goketsuji Oume and she's causing havoc! She has been ruling over the retirement home for over 75 years, and suddenly she declares a tournament with the following announcement:
"Whoever beats the crap out of me will get to be the new leader of the Atlus Retirement and Garden Home, also known as ARGH for short! Besides, I need to retire too. That is all."
Many people have come to participate in the fight. But only one can win... unless there is a draw. Because if there's a draw, another tournament will be held to determine a winner again, but that might only happen in another game. Or unless everyone has a heart attack and dies or something.
Here is but a comprehensive list of a few of the characters you may choose and will be facing in your quest to dominate the retirement home with dominating domination. Some of these guys are basically just in there for no reason, so you’ll most likely get a incoherent ending for them.
- Otane Goketsuji
Otane is the sister of Oume, and also her twin cloned from a test tube. She's kind of the Ken to the Ryu, so she has the exact same attacks and special moves, only her clothes are a different color. She's after Oume because she stole her medication one day and never gave it back.
- Oume Goketsuji
The person responsible for the fights going on around the retirement home simply because she has that much money. She's the twin sister of Otane, but unlike her she's an annoying old biddy. She secretly owns a crackhouse down in Texas.
- Kanji Kokuin
This old fellow believes he is hip, so he wears sunglasses instead of what is prescribed by his eye doctor. He's always running into walls and stuff cause he can't freaking see out of them. He got involved when Oume stole a picture of his grandaughter and he wants it back! By the way, have I mentioned he only wears a thong underneath? And he attacks with it? Be very afraid.
- Kinta Kokuin
A juvenile little brat who’s always fighting naked. No seriously, this kid fights in the nude, wearing only a very large bib. In public, he is a nudist, having started at a youthful age. He’s also Kanji’s grandson... twice removed. Kinta’s pretty lazy too, he sometimes makes Poochy (see below) fight for him. Typical kids.
For some reason, Kinta has managed to do something to a grown man that forces him into a dog costume and make him pretend he’s a superhero. We suspect he must have used a lot of sodomy or drugs, but most likely he attacked him with nudence. Whatever it is, this guy is at his beck and call every step of the way. He’s been so traumatized that all he ever says is “garufff”, “garrooo”, and “kwoon”. Yikes.
- Solis Areighthousand
Solis is the head of the security in ARGH. She really doesn’t do much other than bust open the heads of violators. But she mainly just stands there and looks sexy. She’s probably a whore. All the old men lust for Solis. They know baby’s got back... that’s why. Oh, and she has a really cool hat.
- Kurara Hananokoji
- White Buffalo
A white buffalo.
- Reiji Oyama
The Ryu wannabe who wants to be like Ryu, but is too much of a poser. And just as bad. When he hears about a tournament, he comes running. Now he’s in the retirement home and there’s no stopping him. Also, he is banned from every fast food restaurant for entering without shoes or a shirt, asking “I would like a worthy opponent... TO GO.”
- Keith Wayne
Some punk who looks like that Axel guy from that game with raging streets. He grew up in da hood, dawg. He’s aimin’ to be a professional white gangsta rapper, mang, better than that Eminem guy or K-Fed. But this guy’s really just a dumb honkey. Also has a really stupid voice.
- Annie Hamilton
A snobbish British babe from England, working as a nurse who nobody likes because she can’t fix a decent cup of tea. She’s sexually interested in Poochy though... which may prove she’s into that whole bestiality thing.
- Saizo Hattori
Because every fighting game needs it’s token ninja. He may also have a scat fetish, since he always screams “POO!!!” with every attack he makes.
- Thin Nun
- Angela Belti
Also known as “that fucking scary chick with muscles so huge they would make Hulk Hogan look like a stickboy” (or TFSCWMSHTWMHHLLAS for short). She’s even got muscles in places you didn’t think existed on a woman. Christ, I don’t know if it is a woman. I’m positive it’s a bodybuilding transvestite. Probably lovers with that Rudolph guy.
Aladdin from the Disney movie of the same name based on the Arab tale of the same name makes a special guest appearance, bringing his big blue genie with him in an electric lamp. He's dumped Jasmine to pursue Angela because he likes `em big and man-like. Well, to each his own...
- Chris Wayne
He doesn’t exist yet. He’s Keith’s future son. But all you need to know is that he’s an emo. And a cowboy. I dunno about you, but an emo cowboy is something that is truly frightening. More so than clowns.
Of course, there are going to be bosses. Here are quite a few you will face!
Dan Hibiki's secret brother, who happens to have a very odd hairdo. He's a real ladies man. He can attack with you three deadly weapons: An ear of corn, a pea shooter, and the Kamehameha.
- George Foreman
George Foreman is prowling around the retirement home under the alias of "Bobby Strong" and isn't wearing boxing gloves. He carries a hidden airtank in his body from a botched FU-SION! experiment that results in his head enlarging at times.
- Princess Sissy
The wimpiest person on the planet. Attacks with deadly sissy slaps.
How the Game Is Played
The game is unique in that it had unique uniqueness. First, you had to take a joystick with buttons on it. Then, you press them to attack and beat up the other character. It was considered brilliant for it’s time. Everybody just seems to want to beat everybody up. They just want to be leader of the retirement home. That’s all. It’s fun, ain’t it? Oh yeah, each match is timed. You’ve got 1 minute and 30 seconds to win. Better hurry, that’s not enough time to lay the smackdown. But hey, 2-3 rounds, that's a good deal. More than enough chances to win, right?
The handiest feature of the game is the SEIZURE meter, which builds up overtime. It's kind of like a super bar, and it gauges just how much you've got going till you have a seizure. The elderly characters build it up faster. That's a good thing, cause they can execute HEART ATTACK moves that cause them to fall down and pass out. You automatically win by forfeit when that happens, if you can execute it right.
Occasionally the game will pause and you get to play a bonus round after you beat up some people. Usually this game includes:
- Getting the meal to the elderlies who can’t move to the cafeteria (Can you dodge all the obstacles?)
- Listening to them talk about how things were in their day (Can you stay awake long enough?)
- Getting one of the residents to the bathroom on time (Can you get grandpa there before he shits his pants?)
- Defending grandma from that guy who loathes old people (Can you beat him off in time?)
After that, you resume the whole fight thing. Beating up everyone is easy since even if some aren’t elderly, they’re pretty wimpy. Then you get to fight Oume, the big boss of the whole game. Defeat her, and hey, a winner is you! You become the leader of ARGH and you get an ending for your trouble, then you’re arrested for assaulting the elderly. Once that’s over, you deserve a pat on the back... but do you know if it’s really over or not? There may be stronger people... maybe you just didn’t raise the difficulty setting high enough. Who knows?