Did anyone drop their wallet? Good! Now that I have your attention, my name’s Melissa and I’ll be one of your flight attendants, NOT "stewardesses", for this flight. The flight will be approximately very long. This is Flight #666 from O’Hare in Chicago to some hell-hole airport in Washington. If you are on the wrong plane, too late because we’re about to take off. These are your preflight procedures. By the way, I’m currently single, and if you marry me, you’ll get to fly for free.
In The Event Of An Emergency
Put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye. Just kidding. But really, get in the embracing position if we're about to crash, which is pretty much the same thing. If the plane loses oxygen pressure for any reason, the oxygen masks will drop down out of the small overhead compartment. Look up in your seat and you will see a small panel, which covers the compartment. If that happens, place the mask over your nose and mouth. You might have to tug slightly on the gas line to start the flow of gas. There is an elastic band on the mask, which should go over and behind your head. Relax...I need some information first. Just the basic facts... We actually do this so you can get high on the pure oxygen right before you die.
If you are sitting next to someone who might need some assistance, such as a child, an individual with limited physical or mental capabilities or just a sleepy, groggy spouse, you should put your own mask on first, then breathe normally as you assist the other person. That way, if the other struggles, you will have a steady flow of oxygen as you fight the person to get their mask on. If you have two children who you must assist, determine the one with the most potential and assist them first.
Your seat cushion doubles as a flotation device. Unless you're really fat, in which case your flotation will be really flat. Under the seat cushion is a life preserver vest floating thingy. Put it on like so, and pull the red tab to inflate. But be careful. If you put it on backwards and pull the red tab, the sudden inflation will decapitate you, like Steve just demonstrated...
Certain rows of this aircraft are designated as “exit rows”. You can tell if you are in an exit row if there is an emergency exit around the window. Also, it should say “emergency exit” above your window. People seating in exit rows should be prepared to assist plane crew and other passengers should the aircraft need to be evacuated in an emergency. An exit row passenger should be capable of opening the heavy emergency exit door, should be able to assist other passengers, and should be able to see and hear instructions signaled and shouted by the crew. The passenger must be over the age of 15, shouldn’t be inebriated (only a slight buzz to calm the nerves, we don't want anyone panicking), and should not be a dumbass.
If you feel qualified to help in the case of an emergency and you are seated in an exit row, then just stay put and chill the fuck out. However, if you are disabled, easily flustered, elderly, incredibly stupid, have an irrational fear of doors with red lettering on them, or for any reason at all reluctant to sit in the exit row, just let one of us know and we will change your seat so you’ll get to sit next to the fat lady and some creepy guy who will touch you a lot. You don't have to give any reason. Just say you don't want to sit there and would like a change. After all, switching seats and letting a more intelligent and traveler that's less of a pussy sit in the exit row might end up being beneficial to all passengers should an emergency arise. And, if we all die, we won’t have to blame you for it (but we might anyway).
There is a seat belt on your seat. Buckle it. It should remain buckled during take off, landing, or when there is turbulence. If you are unsure, there are lighted "seat belt" signs through the aircraft. If the sign is lit up, then buckle up. If it is not lit up, you can unbuckle it. If the light flashes eight times rapidly, that means check to make sure it's buckled. If it flashes twice slowly, you may only unbuckle it if it is an absolute emergency. If it flashes three times at a regular pace, wrap it around your neck and asphyxiate yourself.
If you decide to sleep, put your blanket over your body and buckle the seatbelt over the blanket. If, later during the flight, the seat belt light comes on, we will be able to see you are buckled up without having to remove the blanket and wake you up. Do a quick check to see where your nearest emergency exit is. Figure that the aircraft might be full of smoke, fire, poisonous miasma, or it might be dark with no interior lights. Therefore, mentally count the seats so you could find your way in smoke or the dark. "Hmmmm...one, two, three, four rows then turn right and fall out of the plane."
Smoking is prohibited on this flight. On some international flights, smoking is allowed only in certain designated smoking rows, but this isn’t an international flight, so don’t worry about it. Smoking in the bathroom is strictly prohibited also. The airplane bathroom is full of paper and the waste bin is full of used paper towels. The airplane is pressurized with oxygen. Throwing a smoldering cigarette into the waste paper bin turns the airplane into a flying bomb that will make September 11 look like a wet firecracker. There are smoke detectors in the airplane lavatories. It is a federal offense to tamper with the smoke detectors in the bathrooms. If you do so, we will pull a lever that opens the door, point at you, and laugh. Then you will get your ass beat, hard.
Cell phones, radios, and any other electronic device that may interfere with the plane's communications systems are prohibited. Therefore, please turn off all cochlear implants, insulin pumps, neurostimulators, and pacemakers for the duration of the flight.
Forced landing at sea
In the event of a forced landing at sea, inflatable dinghies will launch. Do not inflate your lifejackets until you are out the door! Most important of all, remember this: only one passenger jet aircraft has ever successfully landed on water. Ever. Forget the dinghies: this aircraft will be a jillion pieces of metal and plastic about the size of a dinner plate, and you with most utter certainty will be dead.
If you have a child with you, especially an infant or a toddler, mind them to shut the fuck up. Please be considerate of other passengers on this plane. Our in-flight movie will be Brokeback Mountain starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger. We'll be serving lunch with an option of either fish or steak, along with complimentary peanuts and hard liquor. If you are going to be with us from Washington to Los Angeles after this flight, please stay on board after we land. If you aren't, please exit the plane, and if you're going to be flying with another airline we really don't care, now do we? Thanks for flying Southwest Airlines, and enjoy your flight!