Presentation of the Lard

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Presentation of the Lard is the day upon whence we reenact the occasion that a lard was given to Pope Boniface IX, by his Consort mistress, Sister De'Pole, in 1406.

A Tradition is Bourne[edit]

Originally meant to be little more than a normal day of repose, Sister De'Pole decided to please her holy master by covering her soft skin with a layer of slippery lard, and together with her close consort, Sister Lingus, retiring to His Eminence's room for a long afternoon of bedsport and Menage a Trois.

Things to Come[edit]

It was from this very same event that a young catholic boy would be conceived, by the name of Antinneus Capricos, whom history would show to be a rising star, eventually becoming Pope Eugene IV in 1439.

A Classical Celebration[edit]

The ancient texts uncovered in Aramathea name themselves, Dianetics and give us an old method by which we may properly observe this holiday. Preserved closely to it's archaic english, It states:

"Inne th time hhonored tradition ov Adultery, thee presenten of The Lard should bee pra'ticed by all catholic girls oer the age ah' Sixteen and a Half. Prop'rly then, by greasing themselves 'rom head to toe with slipp'ry Lards, quaff deeply of the sacramentals (Note, this likely refers to Sacremental Wine), an become vicarrous'ly amourous, and scand'lously submissiv with their choos'n men. Weth'r tis best donne in public, to show'n the religious devotionn of th' lady two herr manne, or to be donne in the privats of one's hoome, is best left to the manne of th' house to deicide."

Clearly, we can see that Mid-evil spelling left a lot to be desired, but the message is certainly clear enough.

Times and Change[edit]

Unfortunately for the Catholic Church, the common views of morality have been altered over the years, and now it is considered generally improper to engage in "the rights of marriage" in public settings, and oftentimes legislation exists to prohibit such mid-day adventures. This is likely one of the chief reasons why Catholocism has fallen off into relative obscurity, and more forward-thinking religions such as Dianetics have come to the foreground.