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“I don't always eat pretzels, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis”

~ Whip Matthews on Pretzels
Public enemy number 1. (OH YEA!)

Pretzels are dangerous killing weapons, most notably utilized in the failed assassination attempts of various world leaders. Pretzels entice their victims with a indescribably tasty fragrance, more often than not leading to the swallowing of the pretzel by the oblivious victim. When swallowed, the pretzel quickly expands and becomes lodged inside the throat of the victim. It then releases deadly fumes, leading to the choking and suffocation of the target.


Best Use of Pretzel award, 2007

Despite being banned under the Geneva Convention, terrorists around the world still widely employ them. Punishments for selling, buying or owning a single pretzel can sometimes be as high as life imprisonment, or being tickled to death. Famous pretzel vendor and advocate Martha Stewart was imprisoned for a number of years for releasing a delicious pretzel recipe on her television series. The pretzel today is the most dangerous weapon in the weapon list. It may replace knives in the year 2018 as the way to kill people without them noticing.

The Purpose[edit]

The pretzel can be thrown or shoved in a person's mouth. It's a reason why Steve Nash tried to assassinate many presidents with his boomerang pretzel. It went into one's mouth, and it was so serious that the pretzel got lodged in somebody's mouth, killing him/her/it. Although he wasn't charged, he served 200 hours of community service.


Henry Pretzel in a depressed state

The original creator of the Pretzel (or Brezel in German) was a young German boy named Henry Pretzel. Born in Southern Germany in 1100 B.C., Henry Pretzel spent numerous years at his work space perfecting the pretzel's excellence. At the fine age of 11 and 3 months (2 weeks...and 7 days) old, Henry Pretzel finished his work on the baked good now known as the Pretzel (named after a 12th century German named Stevland Pretzel). Henry Pretzel lived a sad life after his one successful creation; his attempt at creating a baked good that resembles a penis was unsuccessful, and did not take on too well with the Southern German community. At the age of 42, lonely and ridden with arthritis, Henry Pretzel committed suicide by trapping himself in his Volkswagen Bus while enclosed in his 2 car garage. 32 people, including P. T. Cruiser attended his funeral. None of them ate pretzels during the event.

Big Candy
Chester CheetahBen & Jerry'sReese WitherspoonLaura SecordHersheys
Reese's Peanut Butter CupAirplane peanutsBon-bonsBubble gumCheetosChips
Jelly beans * Popcorn * Skittles * Pez

See also[edit]