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The "Primeval" title sequence. To save money, the creators made a deal with Russel T(he) Davies (they gave him a pillow to bite) so they could use the title sequence and music from Torchwood, so long as the original titles were replaced with Primeval's. To save money again, the company used Microsoft Paint and a copy of Windows Movie Maker from the future to clean up the sequence, with spectacular results.
Type Sci-Fi/Thriller/Gay & Lesbian Interest/Comedy
Creator(s) That guy who did Talking with Dinosaurs and another guy who did thrillers.
Starring People
TV Station International Tarts Venue
Running Length 45 seconds
No. of episodes 100,000
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Primeval.


'Primeval is an ITV television show about science fiction. As of Series 3 Primeval focuses around a new and improved ARC (Anomaly Research Center) Danny Quinn becomes the new main character in Series 3 after Nick Cutter was shot by Helen Cutter in the first few episodes of Series 3 (His Deranged wife)so now he goes out with his team Captain Becker, Connor Temple, Abby Maitland and Sarah to investigate what some people call "Prehistoric/Futuristic Creatures" that come through the "Anomalies" (The cause of them are unknown). The main character throughout Series 1 and 2 was Dr. Nick Cutter whose wife disapeared years ago before coming back and causing problems for the world, she is now insane and bent on undoing the work of the ARC team, previous characters Joining him were Stephen and a politcian named Claudia Brown/Jenny Lewis.


The concept for Primeval was first convulated when the bloke who did the failed Nigel Marvin documentary Talking with Dinosaurs series decided he ought to stop making documentaries that nobody watches and get down to some proper TV shows. After much thought (34 minutes of watching the telly) he decided that he'd go along the lines of Torchwood. Torchwood is about homosexuals, sex, violence and aliens. So, the bloke was up and ready for making the show. There was just one problem; he couldn't write. He had no skill in the art of making any kind of book, let alone script. He was stumped. Oh no. After much drinking and thought (more telly) he decided he'd call up some of his writer "friends". He called up this guy who wanted to do a love story. The bloke managed to convince the guy that this was about dinosaurs. That put the guy off.

However, after many months of planning and thought the bloke (we'll call him Timmy) called up the bloke (we'll call him Ade) and told him some of his new ideas. These included a sex monster, a cyberbitch and a boring politician, all in dinosaur form. Unknown to him, Torchwood was already using these ideas. Anyway, Ade accepted these ideas and wrote some copies of the script, when they decided on a new concept; time. They added these ideas to the script and Ade called up his writer friends. They rung up some actors. Unfortunately, Brad Pitt turned down immediately, so they had to settle for some ginger guy who looked like him. They managed to smuggle a former member of S Club out of rehab to film for the show, and dragged Timmy's Nobel-Prize winning geek nerd genius son for the show. Once they had a collection of boring politicians, they had a new problem to tackle; the dinosaurs (or so the newbs called them).

After some suggestions from Timmy's irritating six-year old neighbour, they had a long list of unusual furry monsters, which the production team envied. After some searching, Ade found a bedraggled flying racoon off the street which the show would later pass off as a pet lizard. Timmy then re-approached the animators who had helped him for his Talking with Dinosaurs series, who gladly allowed him to borrow the CD of the software he used. Most of the monsters are in fact sockpuppets, but for one short scene (in which the S Club girl holds a puppet) was animated.

When Primeval was finally ready to go onto television, Timmy encountered a huge pothole: BBC isn't going to buy an X-rated TV show about dinosaurs (but they will broadcast a TV show about sex gas). At this, BBC pointed him to a bloke from ITV. After much convincing, and a whole lot of beer, Timmy was forced into selling the show to ITV, as they needed a new slot to replace a terrible show that never really made 3 views: Doctor What.

The big day arrived. Timmy, Ade, all the stars and the rest of the two-man production team all settled down to wait for the millions of dollars to flood in; but none came. It was not until a month after the second season was fully filmed that he realized; nobody watched the show. The first episode had enough views to kick Doctor Who in the balls, but after the first two minutes, viewers realised it wasn't Coronation Street and turned off their televisions.

Due to the brilliant reception of the first few minutes of Episode 1, ITV renewed Primeval for a second series, as no other show was available. It was around this time that some bloke off the BBC bought Primeval and gave it as a wedding present to the head of BBC America (George W. Bush). He mistook it for a sex film named "Pornevil" and "accidentally" aired it on his channel. His excuse was he dropped his "breast and bravest" glasses on the floor and aired Primeval in the confusion. The show did terribly in America, but Bush wanted more so ITV had no choice but to get a third series, which is EVEN LONGER than the other two and nicks a couple of guys off DOCTOR WHO!


“All the main characters in Primeval are good looking people. Except for Helen Cutter.”

Nick Cut-em-up (Douglas Adams)[edit]

Professor Nicholas Cut-em-up (Douglas Adams) is the key character for the show. Adams was cast as Cut-em-up but was forced to wear an afro wig for the majority of filming (with the exception of the greenhouse scene which the production team couldn't afford any more takes when he forgot to put it on) as to make him "at least slightly attractive". Nick used to have a wife, who left him to have an affair with a dinosaur after being over-abused.

Stephen Jimmy Hart (Himself)[edit]

Stephen Jimmy Hart is Cut-em-up's bodyguard and was frequently adored by the female of the species, he was also the victim of slash pairings with Nick Cut-em-up and Cnnr Tmpl. Hart quit the job right as the production team were filming the finale for Series 2. As they couldn't afford to rehire him or hire a replacement, they let one of the sockpuppet monsters loose on him and made it look like an act of heroism and part of the plot.

Abby Mateland (The Only Successful Member of Shite-Club 7)[edit]

Abby isn't convinced that Connor has a girlfriend, while a fangirl shipper/Mer creature cannot believe it.

Abby Mateland (The Only Successful Member of Shite-Club 7) has unusually white hair, and has the total hots for Cnnr (yeah I know). Her character is terrible, and was largely overshadowed by Steven Hart until his "accidental" death in Episode 13 (or was it 14?). She appears in her underpants in three episodes, which caused men aged 10+ to orgasm and was the main cause for Primeval's success, much to the entertainment of the nerd she lives and sleeps with. They later go on to have erotic sex, where she reveals her surname is "Mate-land". Abby is a punk.

Abby had a short moment of Mary Sue in episode 2.4, where she jumped over 9,000 feet and kicked a Mer (or fangirl shipper/slash fanfic writer, it's hard to tell the difference really) in the neck.

Cnnr Tmpl (Andrewlee Potts)[edit]

Cnnr Tmpl (Andrewlee Potts) is a genius on time travel, dinosaurs, prehistoric mammals and future creatures, but also has the common sense of a cucumber on morphine. His utter complete mindboggling intelligence is rivaled only by Albert Einstein. However, he has a weakness: he is a conspiracy theorist and nerd, which downgrades his image severely. Too many hours engrossed in crappy websites has given him permanet brain damage, meaning he forgot most of his life. Cnnr somehow manages to remain fit, healthy and (apparently) handsome, which makes him (apparently) eligible to have women fighting over him.

Claudia Broon/Jenny Lewissss (Lucy Broon)[edit]

Claudia Broon/Jenny Lewissss (Lucy Broon) is a politician, who for some reason is completely adored by Cut-em-up, and the majority of creepy male Primeval fans. Apart from being insanely hot and being in all of your perverted dreams, that probably has something to do with Cut-em-up removing her bloodied top in Episode 1.5 and revealing her cleavage, apart from that there isn't much else for her to do. Oh yeah, Helen Cut-em-up erased her from the timeline with an incredibly advanced form of equipment for reasons yet unknown, but the leftover peices joined together to form an ironically identical woman with practically the same job named Jenny Lewissss. She does the same as she did in series 1, look hot (actually a lot hotter) and cover up incidents with outrageous stories.

Helen Cut-em-up (Romeo and Juliet)[edit]

Helen Cut-em-up (Romeo and Juliet) is a right bitch and abandoned Nick after she has secksy tyme wiht stefen. She abandoned her husband to go into the omnomnomalies in time, but not before making Captain Ryan gay (she stood in front of him... NAKED!). Can also clone mall janitors.

The Glorious Lester (Ben Miller)[edit]

The Glorious Lester (The Almighty Ben Miller) is an extremely almighty politician who is played by the most epic actor in the series, Ben Miller. The production team could not afford to give such an epic man a large part so he appears now and again making phone calls and walking around his office. At the end of Series 2 the team had decided to give him a twenty-mminute fight scene with a sexual predator. As expected, such an amazing and captivating man managed to beat the monster with the help of his titanium fist and a portable stereo.

Minor characters[edit]

  • Rex (moar liek sex amiright?) is a lizard and Abby's pet. First appeared in Episode 1 and reappears in random episodes for no reason at all. Gets hit by a tennis racket by evil bitch Caroline.
  • Ryan, some military guy who has a crush on Cut-her-up. Gets killed at the end of Series 1 because the Future Predator's gaydar was driving it insane.
  • Caroline (My Old Bentley) is Cnnr's ex-girlfriend, but like all hobags she only wanted him for his lizard.
  • Oliver Leek (Theo's Bald) constantly reminds everyone he's not a creature-catching snickering evil traitor or anything like that. Turned out he was controlling a bunch of sexual predators for his own needs, sets them on our team and tries to blow up the ARC!
  • soop3r sib0rg l33k (omgwtfbbq lol) is some abominable result (that was going to appear in Series 3) of some bored "Primeval fan" who edited Wikipedia.
  • The Cleaner (Timmy Faraway), some janitor. Just appears in random episodes walking around and punching people. For no reason in particular, there are like thirty-something versions of him.

The Fan-Fiction[edit]

Typical plot of a Primeval fan-fic.

“The majority of Primeval fan-fiction is REALLY bad”

~ Captain Obvious.


~ An example of the amazing work by Primeval's dedicated fans.

““You might want to move” said a voice, “he tends to poop while he’s fighting”.”

~ An example of the captivating writing.

Primeval fan-fiction is, nine times out of ten, stellar, while not as amazing as My Immortal. It is usually written by fans that rank above Oscar Wilde. Most of the best work can be found on FanFiction.Net (srsly go ahead check it out!).


In order to save budget for more important elements of the show (and beers for the actors), Primeval's writers could not afford to think up names for the episodes. However, Uncyclopedia's "quality standards" imply we have to improvise the titles, ie, we make up silly names for your enjoyment.

Series 1[edit]

  • Everything Changes but Professor Cut-em-up's Jacket (whatever that means...) - The team fight off a load of turtles and a couple of Komodo dragons, as well as introducing our good friend Rex (maor liek sex). This is the episode where komodo dragons and turtles were mistaken for dinosaurs.
  • Bed Bugs - some bugs turn up at a train station eat people. The team work along side the Federation, alongside Casper van Dien, shoot all the bugs. Cnnr is fired for being talking to his pervy friends about the omnomnomalies, be he is then rehired when they find out he has access to Uncyclopedia, a complete guide to all the beasties they encounter, on his laptop.
  • Messing About On The River - An omnomnomaly opens and lets a vicious crocodile out, who intercepts two lifeguards having sexy times in a swimming pool, it has it's noms and scares the woman as she is leaving the showers to go for another swim (yeah I know...) leaving her in shock. They revive Steve (the Croc Hunter) to deal with it, only to find its gone into a lake and coughed up all the noms it collected. When they get there, it's gone again and reappeared in some woman's bedroom, and lets a giant turkey on innocent plumbers. When they get there, the turkey had mysteriously disapeared and they send Cut-em-up through the omnomnomaly to find his wife, who he discovers giggling in a jacuzzi with two penguin-turkey-pelican-things. Naked. Shocked by this information, the Glorious Lester brings her back through by force. On the way out, a diver gets eaten by the something or other of time and dies. OMG LOL!
  • The Nerd, the Bird Flu and the Dumbshit Chicken - While interrogating Helen, she tells them there's going to be some killer cheap prostitutes lose in London, which are apparently in one of the Man U player's fridges. They go through to find an entire netwok of omnomnomalies, which Helen escapes through to get to the next Gay Pride six months early, excited about this Ryan follows her. The team are pissed off by this, and just as they are about to leave, a group of completely dumbshit chickens, which rampage about the footballer's house cause general havoc. They eat three cats and kill an old man before being sent back into the omnomnomaly. However, one dumbshit chicken walks outside and is captured by two of Cnnr's YouTube friends who have tracked him down. Both of them proceed to catch birdflu, and the team rush to the scene and shoot both of them before the disease can spread.
  • Bat Fuck Insane - Some bats attack some golfers, which came through an omnomnomaly, and try to eat our heroes, but Helen manages to kill them with fire. This episode was awarded for when Cut-em-up ripped off Claudia's top.
  • The Sexual Predator - A sexual predator from the future comes through an omnomnomaly and eats some random people, a lion and a zookeeper. It is hunting Abby when Steve finds out and sacrifices himself to save her. Helen runs, in tears, to find the team, and helps the team to lure it into a greenhouse and blow it up. They cut the body up and find out it is not asexual as they predicted, and find out it is not a virgin, and the mother is still out there. They go to the omnomnomaly (for no reason at all) and just sit there for a while, and the mother comes back and they blow it up again. Helen and Cut-em-up kidnap the babies and take them to the future omnomnomaly, with the assistance of Ryan (who came back from future gay pride). But because the Sexual Predators have gaydars the gaydar on the uncle drives him crazy and forces him to kill Ryan (OH NOES!). But then they are saved by a komodo dragon, and Helen runs away again while she's there, leaving Scissors to get home himslef, only to find Claudia has disappeared, and nobody remembers who she was!

Series 2[edit]

  • Land Before Time: three evil purple dinosaurs comes threw the omnomnomaly in Wal-Mart. One of them gets decapitated. Jenny Lewissss is introduced to the team at the very last minute, and the ORC (Omnomnomaly Research Centre)) no longer uses military backup (who's idea was that?).
  • Attack Of Russell T. Davies' Killer Poos: RTD farts in front of an omnomnomaly and evil poopies come throw it. All explode, eventually due to that lack of RTD's fart gas.
  • The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe: First episode without an omnomnomaly!!!!! A pussy cat comes from a time omnomnomaly that leads to a place filled with talking animals.
  • The Little Mermaid: a teenager disappears; everyone blames Jaws, but it turns out that evil fangirls got Abby.
  • Bedbugs: Some girl got lost in an omnomnomaly, and everyone gets trapped in it, while giant bedbugs ate eachother!
  • Ice Age: 20th Century Fox accidently lets a mammoth escape their studio and create havoc. Lester get's to show his awesomeness by being the first person to last more than ten minutes against a Sexual Predator, and then standing in the middle of the main hall he allows the predator to attack him, but then he punches his fist straight through the head of the predator, but in the ITV edit a mammoth saves him... And then some stuff happens later and the team except our Glorious Lester, gets kidnapped.
  • The Creepy Guys Creature Collection: the bad guys enlist all the ugly animals in their armies. As it is obvious, our "heroes" ran and ran and ran. Then some stuff happened and they escaped and Steve was finally killed, this caused major sadness for all the ORC team except for Lester. Second appearence of the mermaids, the turtles and the pussy cat; third appearence of sexual predator; and no appearence of the komodo dragon, despite the vile rumours.

Series 3[edit]

Danny Quinn the most Sexiest Stud in the universe who will make any man gay. A Marty-Stu has that effect.
  • Stephen's Dead, Get Over It! Cutter has to make his team see the light by telling them and the viewers that Stephen is dead and is not going to come back all the while he's dressed like Ebony Dark'ness Raven Way. While he is doing this the god Sobek manages to escape from an omnomnomaly and goes for a day out in London before returning to its own time.
  • Gremlins: Not The Movie A gremlin appears in a haunted house and scares the shit out of people, Danny shoots it in the end and the ORC team blow the house up.
  • ARC Attack! The team deal with a beever/rat thing that has emerged through one of the omnomnomalies. And then Helen with her clone army attacks the ORC base and make it asplod!
  • Jurassic Park 4? A G-Rex (that's what the dinosaur nubs call it) runs amok at Heathrow eating part of Terminal 5 and Danny Quinn wants to join the team by helping and not getting any appreciation for it, this is the first episode where he portrays his Marty Stu abilities by flying a helicopter (pigs do fly! Ha...) and luring the Giganotosaurus back to it's time, and escaping the omnomnomaly while being chased by a pack of them.
  • Cutter Would Have Loved This. He Was A Fungi A mushroom fungi thing spreads through the human population and turns them into mushrooms, thus creating the mushroom kingdom. To deal with the Fungus Captain Becker decides to reference internet memes and "KILL IT WITH FIRE!" much to Cnnr Tmpl's joy. They finally kill the fungus by freezing it to death but for some strange reason Jenny wants to leave the ORC after James Lester, this caused major butthurt for her fans.
  • If You Go Down To The Woods Today Terror Birds Will Try And Eat You Guys The ORC is raided by Ben Miller's wife who discovers that the team have gone out for a picnic in the local woods where coinsidently a group of Terror Birds have come to play. After they are defeated Helen Cutter fucks up the timeline by introducing Terror Birds to KFC and resurrecting Colonel Sanders.
  • £99 Or Any Old Car With Or Without An MOT As A Deposit The team head to a car compactors in an attempt to sell the late Cutter's car, however a pachycephalosaurid has arrived and a knight (possibly James Lester's father) has followed in an attempt to make the episode even more interesting, second episode to display Quinn's abilities.
  • Back To The Future?? Danny and the team head to the future where a set of creatures are nesting in a destroyed central London which has been hit by an Atom Bomb.
  • Full Circus Elephants run amok at a local circus and the team mistake them for dinosaurs. Filler episode. Helen Cutter disguises as another woman using the same cgi technology they are using to make some bodybuilder look like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the new terminator movie.Christine Johnson gets dragged into an anomaly and cavity searched by a sexual predator after a tug of war between it and Danny,Abby,Connor,Sarah and Captain Becker. I mean seriously how could she have not been saved sure the predator was way stronger than any human but there were 5 there and Captain Becker is a badass as Danny is also a Marty Stu.
  • Barking Up The Wrong Tree Yet again Helen invites the team for a game of hide and seek through the time omnomnomalies but when they get lost in the past, Danny is forced to go afetr Helen and kill her for food. The episode ends with Ben Miller saying 'Where the fuck is everyone?!' and Danny Quinn overacting.

Series 4[edit]

“My projects don't require scripts, because everything I make is a documentary.”

~ Michael Bay on his projects.

“I can not now so good English but I understand why Abby will be pregnant, and by whom?[[1]]”

~ 19punkgirl94 on the Series 4 Episodes.
TamilEalem1992: GO GET A LIFE! Ur the most gayest person wid the top lies i ever met! and how could conner save her if hes dead!


TamilEalem1992: Shut the fuck u, u dikhead! Why dont u say that to my face? I will box ur face in!

Primeval4News: "Shut the fuck u, u dikhead! Why dont u say that to my face?"

no u rofl

"I will box ur face in!"

shoor, u hav a pen nd paper? im in ur dads hous!!! ill bee waiting!

~ Primeavl4News trolls TamilEalem1992.

A fourth series will be aired in 2011 as it takes that long for the team to get down from that tree they got stuck up in series three. All the episodes will be directed by Michael Fucking Bay and Russell The Pillow Biter Davies.

  • Episode 1: Connor is eaten by a Raptor, and Abby is pregnant with his children. She is rescued by Becker at the end of the episode.
  • Episode 2: A new person, a gorgeous red-haired woman named Alicia Aioko Harkness, joins the team, and Captain Becker immediately falls for her!
  • Episode 3: Doctor Who rescues the team from a giant wolverine called Shadow-Whisker. But then he is killed by a Gorgonopsid. The team meet a race of

evil aliens called Glabbs that come through an anomaly straight into Christine's base. Christine is killed by them... Even though she "died" in series 3. The team worry because Danny, Connor and Abby are stuck in the past. Connor and Abby come back and stop the evil aliens, even though Connor is dead.

  • Episode 4: Jenny returns to the ARC, but she is not herself, after spending five years in the himalayas with tibetan monks she learns the art of martial arts and has harnesed supernatural abilities, which she credits the fungus monster for.
  • Episode 5: The story begins in the Rift Valley, four million years ago. Suddenly, an anomaly opens up, and Danny, unshaved, grunting carrying a big stick, walks towards it.

Behind him, a female hominid grunts at him, and there are subtitles. Ape-woman: "Don't go!" Danny: "It's alright. I'll be back later and then I'll make love to you again." The ARC team rushes through the anomaly, and tempts Danny to the present with a nice, juicy banana. As a pack of future predators shows up in a kids' playschool, Danny must make a choice between his friends at the ARC, and the ape/woman he loves!

  • Episode 6: The team goes to California, where they have to track down a giant eagle, a boy who lives in the red wood forest, and has a pet moose, helps them track the eagle down. Connor insists to Abby he wants to spend their time in California at Hot Topic.
  • Episode 7: Tim Quinn joins the team.

The team is attacked by a creature from the future that's nearly invincible, is faster and stronger than the future predator, and has glowing red eyes. A whole army of Nick Cutters, who for some reason speak nothing but French, appear. Captain Becker and Alicia Aioko Harkness have sex, and this is Primeval's first ever full-on nude scene. Helen Cutter returns, not in cyborg form, but... NANO-cyborg form! Every single cell in her body is infused with nanotech, meaning she now has powers, some considered to be... unnatural...

  • Episode 8: Tim Quinn reveals to Danny that he is his son. Danny has a heart attack and dies. The team then kill Tim for causing Danny to die.

But Helen resurrects both of them in nano-cyborg form, and they now work for her!

  • Episode 9: Future Predators carrying swine flu arrive in the ARC, and only Lester is immune to their disease, almost all the characters die, but luckily Lester cures the team of the swine flu by passing his hand over their faces. He reveals how he got this power, much to the surprise of the team, he and Jenny had an intimate moment after she arrived.
  • Episode 10: It turns out the reason for all the French-speaking Cutters is because the French government is trying to infiltrate the ARC, so they can create a park using prehistoric creatures as the main attractions, and make lots of money, thus turning France into a global superpower.
  • Episode 11: Britain goes to war with France, but it only lasts 2 minutes, because the French surrendered after signing the declaration of war. During which Lester leads the team in a hunt for a group of anarchists who are using an ankylosaurus to terrorise London.
  • Episode 12: Persian Elephants ridden by depressive cro-magnons who all bear a slight family resemblance to Danny Quinn, due to his relationship with the ape woman attack the ARC.
  • Episode 13: Noel Edmunds guest stars as an ARC auditer who is secretly Helen Cutter in disguise she turns everybody into herself, so that the billions of versions of her can go and change the past to her liking leaving only Jenny and Lester on Earth, this leaves it open for Series 5.

Primeval Movie (2112)[edit]

According to the owners at ProbablePictures and the producers of the show a movie of Primeval will be made about a hundred and two years from now and be set in the United States. Currently several directors have placed themselves in cryo sleep and be woken up two years before the release to work on the film. ProbablePictures and Warner Brother teamed up with Israeli Special Forces, SAS, SBS and Chuck Norris to set up a survival course, interrogation course and finally a ten week hunger and sleep deprivation course.

The Directors opting for production[edit]

Uwe Boll has expressed extreme interest in making the film. He claims that he has cloned himself using Hollywood's patented remake technology.

Michael Bay claims that he has at least ten billion years left on this Earth which means "I'll have enough time to make more movies", and has opted for the selection for the directors position. Some critics have feared that Michael Bay will just blow every-fucking-thing up.

James Cameron stated that because of his twenty five trillion oscars he won after making Avatar, that "I'm sure with some 3-D visual effects, a love scene and a main theme by the decades well known pop diva, we'll be sure to have another movie that makes more than you, your government, a drug dealer and any other movie comapny ever! [evil laugh]".

Rejected Directors[edit]

Michael Moore was rejected because according to Warner Brothers executives "the fat bastard wouldn't be able to fit into the cryo tube without having a heart attack".

Your mom was rejected because she doesn't know anything about Primeval, and will instead go down in history as the woman who made your dad's sammiches.

Plot Synopsis[edit]

Each Director made up their own plot for the film, each one is currently being reviewed by Warner Brothers.

Michael Bay's story involves hot women, teenage boys and the United States Air Force fighting off evil dinosaurs that want to take over the world, with a big plot hole planned for the sequel.

Uwe Boll's story, like all his movies the Primeval story has absolutely nothing to do with the series, rather it is about "Long extinct creatures are tearing through a series of rips in time, and the seemingly impossible becomes a terrifying reality. Professor Nick Cutter and his research team are recruited by the government to investigate a series of dinosaur sightings and struggle to find answers. With the help of zoologist Abby Maitland, his research assistant Stephen Hart and student palaeontologist Connor Temple, they try to uncover the secrets of the temporal anomalies. As the prehistoric investigation intensifies, Cutter begins to suspect that these events and the disappearance of his wife eight years ago are somehow linked.

James Cameron's story revolves around a CIA agent played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, he has to team up with a bunch of college kids studying time-travel and palaeontology. Not only will the plot revolve around his new team trying to stop the terrifying creatures from coming into our time, the lead character also learns a thing or two about quantum physics and dinosaurs. In an action packed adventure filmed in HD IMAX 3-D! It will blow your balls through your arse!


Michael Bay has Shia LaButtfuck and some unknown hot actress that doesn't know how to act as the lead characters.

Uwe Boll has Christian Slater as the lead role for all the characters, the love scene between Connor and Abby is supposed to be really intense.

James Cameron has Ahnuld (as the CIA agent), Tom Arnold (goofy quantum physics student), Michael Biehn (palaentology student) and Richard Simmons (home economics professor).

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Primeval is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.