Princeton University

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“I once home-invaded this Princeton guy and he was totally married.”

~ Snake on saying an inappropriate quote

“Princeton? Is that like a cigarette?”

~ A dumb blonde who can't remember her name

You can kind of ignore this article. See, the truth is that Princeton doesn't actually exist. Some will claim that it is a prestigious university in "New Jersey". Yeah, I know, pretty ridiculous. Sheesh. You can pretty much move along now. This is not the article you're looking for. At the very least, it doesn't matter.


Still here? Fine! If you need some convincing, here's some proof:


Ask a "Princeton" graduate what town Princeton is in. After babbling for a bit, he'll probably just yell "Princeton!" again. Obviously, not only is he lying, but he cannot even lie creatively and say something like "Centerville!" or "Venus!". Seriously, what is wrong with these people?

Home State[edit]

Any college guide gullible enough to list "Princeton" as an actual university will make two claims: 1) that it is a prestigious research university and 2) that it is in New Jersey. The facts have been presented, dear reader: I'm sure you can do the rest.

School Colors[edit]

The school colors are orange and black. This is because Princeton only really exists on Halloween. Hell, if any Average Joe can be Luke Skywalker on Halloween, Princeton can exist on Halloween.

Pop Culture[edit]

John Nash thought he went to Princeton. He also had imaginary friends, delusions of grandeur, and was completely batshit insane for a bit. Anyone who claims to be from Princeton is probably just a figment of John Nash's imagination.

Membership in Ivy League[edit]

It is a well known proverb that Ivy schools are supposed to open doors. However, many of the doors on the supposed campus of "Princeton", which is supposedly in the Ivy League, are manually opened or automatically revolving doors.

The Conspiracy[edit]

So how have so many people and institutions been duped into believing in this fictional university? Well "Princeton" alums may be stupid, but they're not st... well, yeah they are, aren't they? I guess they were just lucky to hit on this crafty plan then. It all started when a bunch of disaffected high-school seniors not quite braindead enough to go to Harvard or Yale, got together and began to whine to each other that they would only be able to afford 50 bedroom mansions. So, they all went to their rich daddies and had them start an evil corporation called the "Princeton Review" that began to publish college guides. Once they had built up their reputation, they snuck in the fictional "Princeton" and gave it rave reviews. Ever since, applications to Princeton have gone up every year, and its "founders" make a fortune by living off the application fees and selling college essays online.


There. Convinced? No? Doesn't matter. Now go away.

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