Probes

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Used as an interrogation device in the Dune universe, the Ixian probe was developed after Jack Bauer died and wasn’t around to break fingers for information anymore. Its one advantage over Bauer, however, is its ability to read the thoughts of a person even after death. Claims that this ability has been replicated by Chuck Norris are as of yet unsubstantiated.

Procedure[edit]

The probe functions by having operator stick electrodes onto the captive’s skull and letting the power rip! Haha!

The electrodes stimulate various areas of the brain and subsequently read the brain’s responses in terms of electrical signals. But not before allowing for lengthy expositions on villainy, the meaning of life, and kitten huffing.

Defense Mechanisms[edit]

The only known defense of the horrors of the Ixian probe is the drug Cher. When taken, the sudden influx of beautiful music stops the captive’s brain from responding to the probe while living. After death, the Cher continues to act on the brain of the victim, causing almost immediate deterioration of the person’s cells.

T-Probe[edit]

Another fun interrogation device in Kevin J. Anderson’s wonderful world of Dune is the T-Probe, an offshoot of the Ixian Probe, developed by Mister T working in cahoots with the Bene Gesserit copycats, the Honored Matres (Latin for my-muscles-move-faster-than-yours-ever-will).

Procedure[edit]

Similar to the Ixian Probe, the T-Probe functions by blasting a victim’s brain with some messed-up form of electro shock therapy in an attempt to read his/her mind.

By stimulating various areas of the brain and reading its responses, the probe can create a digital framework of a person’s thoughts, memories, and mental collection of Oscar Wilde quotes.

Resistance is Futile. All Will Be Assimilated.[edit]

Sadly, even the mind-shatteringly brilliant vocal talents of Cher are no defense against a T-Probe. I pity the foo who even tries.

Some poorly supported accounts claim that only one man has ever, against all odds, survived the horrors of Honored Matre interrogation.

The Bashar Miles Teg (Bene Gesserish for my-muscles-move-fast-than-the-speed-of-light) reportedly used his crazily awesome mentat abilities (run on Microsoft Windows) to read the probe before it read him. Accounts that he was being tortured by the KGB in Moscow at this time cannot be fully established, however, as the Principle of Russian Reversal states that, in Soviet Russia, the T-Probe always reads YOU!!