"He's the dude who invented the Frinkahedron. I dig that shit!"
~ Oscar Wilde on Frink
"Who is this craphead?"
~ Joseph Stalin on Frink
"I had nothing to do with this one"
~ Flying Spaghetti Monster on Frink
"In Soviet Russia, Professor Frink gloyvens YOU!!"
~ Russian reversal on Frink
"PI IS EXACTLY 3!!"
~ Frink getting fellow scientists to STFU
Professor Johnathan "Hey you in the bushes" Frink (1187-2004) is an inventor, overlord of three-dimensional objects and minor character generally used as a plot device. After a successful career as a minor character on some T.V. show, he followed his dream as an inventor, before suddenly becoming Bono for some reason. Scientists still don't know why, much the same way as a duck's quack has no echo. In his spare time he enjoys reading, made for T.V. movies, repetition, commas, inventing weapons of mass destruction, being Erik Estrada's indentical twin, made for T.V. movies, repetition and commas. He is not affiliated in any way, shape or form with John Frink, writer and producer of the once popular home improvement show The Sampsons.
Despite the dynamite hand the Flying Spaghetti Monster had dealt him(looking like Erik Estrada being one of his many great attributes) Frink was never happy with life as a child. He was not proud of looking as pretty as he did, rather he found it a burden. When asked about it he replied "Meh, it's alright I guess". He spent years doing well, nothing, until one bright cold day in April, when the clocks were striking thirteen he was introduced to the popular rap group of the day, Calvin and Hobbes, by his good friend George Orwell. Then began his transformation from a shy Erik Estrada look-alike to the greatest rapper of the 18th century, Frinkmaster P.
The Rap Years
The musical collaboration with Calvin and Hobbes lasted several years, producing some of the greatest works of 18th century rap including:
- The Indespensible Calvin and Hobbes
- The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes
- The Essential Calvin and Hobbes
- Yukon Hoes
- Straight Outta Compton
However tensions grew within the group, the reason given to the public was Frink's views on predestination clashed with Calvin's. However the real reason was Frink's growing addiction to Robitussin had made it impossible for the group to continue to create the premium rap of the day. He would tend to get violent while "tussed up", plus unlike Calvin he wasn't predestined to get into Heaven. These issues culminated in the famous Noodle Incident, after which the group split. Frink took a job as a minor character on some T.V. show, while Calvin and Hobbes went on to star in a buddy action-comedy show, or something.
The Some T.V. show Years
It all started when he was given a bit-part in a small T.V show of the day, The Sampsons, as a Professor. It was meant to be one of those fake jobs, you know, rather like Ashlee Simpson's nose, however he found he liked the feel of the labcoats, the smell of the chemicals, the look of the Weapons of Mass Destruction, the taste of the Stem cells... anyway, he decided to quit his job after his relatively short-lived but successful career as a minor character, and go to the foremost scientific college of the day, Clown College, his major being Evil Genius Studies. This course gave him all the expertise he needed to make it in the hectic world of the modern evil genius. It covered:
- Building and Maintaining Your Evil Empire
- Building and Maintaining Your Weapons of Mass Destruction
- International Terrorism
- Gaining Access to the Upper Echelons of the Republican Party
- Improving Your Etiquette(one never knows who will pop in for tea, you see.)
He finished second in his class to Dr. Evil, whose "sharks with frickin' lazer beams attached to their frickin' heads" won out as the Best Evil Invention, narrowly beating Frink's "Frog Exaggerator" into second place. Apple's iPod came third.
The Evil Genius Years
Half a century passed, with Frink having the terrible, and in 50% of cases, incurable disease known as Evil Genius Writer's Block. He simply couldn't think of anything sufficiently evil enough to invent. He thought that he head cracked it with a cure for Super AIDS, but that venture had to be scrapped for obvious reasons.
Some say these years weren't the best for humanity. Those opinions have been dismissed as "depressing". Hitler got a little ticked off after a derogatory remark about his moustache by Stalin. Britain decided to try to avoid confrontation, however they thought that insulting another gentleman's moustache was "just not cricket". Poland said nothing, they just knew there was trouble ahead. France taunted Hitler's moustache from a distance, then promptly surrendered and shat themselves. Japan agreed whole-heartedly with Hitler's moustache and joined it in a Kill Bill style quest for moustachey revenge. While all this was happening, America kept out because no-one had insulted their moustaches, however they joined the Second Moustache War after Japan performed a sneak attack on the American port of Pearl Harbour with most of the Pacific Moustache Fleet at harbour. The Americans decided that such an attack on their moustache offensive capabilities in the Pacific was "way not cool" and they declared war on Hitler and his moustache Nazis. Who were also zombies.
The Bit That Is Actually About Frink
Oh yeah, this is supposed to be about him isn't it? Well he found inspiration in all the moustache-related evil doing. He broke his Evil Genius Writer's Block and started inventing and plotting evil stuff. His major evil inventions included:
All of these were really quite evil, however Frink wasn't that satisfied with them. His problem was that he was putting the evil up on a pedestal and he couldn't reach the heights of evil that were the "Frog Exaggerator". Plus his enormous Robitussin addiction had messed with his brain so much that he started having involuntary outbursts of "hoyven", "gloyven" and similar words. So eventually he realised this evil stuff just wasn't for him and he decided that he was going to be just a regular genius with a little evil thrown in.
Astrological Video Playback Machine
This machine allows the user to see video footage of the future somehow. *insert plothole here*. Frink used this in 1985 to predict the Nike Revolution of 2006, however, being still rather evil, he decided not to tell anyone. He used the 11 years he had before Iraq became New Louisiana to figure out a way to divide the state evenly so everyone would be happy. He settled on Diesel, Unleaded and Premium.
Used to bring Erik Estrada's golden voice to millions. Send $1 straight away and you will be happy!
The first 3D shape. Before Frink discovered it everything was 2D. Because of this discovery Frink has been given the title of "Overlord of Three-Dimensional Objects"
Frink's greatest and most evil invention. Second Best Evil Invention while Frink was in college.
A last hurrah for Frink's evil days. However he couldn't get the funding to bring it to its full potential. As a result we still have England, unfortunately.
Kitten Recycling Center
Deemed to be his most daring effort, with the Kitten Recycling Center Frink managed to devise an electronic method for removing the important materials from the kitten, and discarding the head.
Driving on his hoverbike home from a trip to rehab for the millionth time(also ironically, this time he actually kicked the Robitussin habit), Frink got in a serious traffic accident after the Pickle Matrix in his Hamburger Earmuffs sparked and caused him to lose control of the bike. His official cause of death was "a serious overdose of brick-wall". He will be dearly missed.