The Proletariat are very smelly people who should under no circumstances be approached, unless one wishes to buy drugs or sex. Despite making up 600% of the world's population, the proletariat only own -3% of its wealth, due to the fact that any money they earn is immediately spent on lottery tickets, copies of The Sun, and illegal cockfights.
Big bearded love machine Karl Marx invented the proletariat in 18-blipetty-6, before which time everybody was rich and lived in a platinum palace and ate poached black swan for dinner every night. This is why communism is evil.
A history of revolution
The first stirrings of The Proletariat as an engorged political organ occurred in the reign of King Daphne II in the continent of London. The Peasants Revolve, as it is now known to Simon Schama, was a mass solidarity movement in which dole scum across the land spun slowly in place rather than fill out any forms in the job center. The insurgencey was swiftly crushed when the young monarch himself placed some marbles under the feet of Steven Tyler, the movement's leader, when he was mid-spin, causing him to topple comically. Footage of this prattfall was shown on the inaurgaral episode of You've Been Framed. This show, and others like it, have successfully kept the British Working Class in its place ever since.
The French Revolution was an attempt by Britney Robespierre and his toothless cronies to turn the entire country to face East (the direction of communism), using some pig fat and a hefty stick. After five years of heaving, only three acres of Normandy had been succssfully spun, and they declared the D-Day Invasion a failure. A new plan was formulated to chop off as many heads as possible to use as bearings. Their original aim was abandoned, however, when Robespierre & co came to the realisation that decapitation is its own reward.
The Russian Revolution is history's best-selling revolution, and was the recipient of no less than than eighteen 'Revvy' awards during a career spanning nine decades. What many people don't realise, however, is that the great people's movement which finally ended Zsa Zsa Gabor's 400 year reign was spear-headed by a right bunch of poshos. Lenski, Trotkin and Starwars all grew up in nice big houses in Hampstead and their parents worked in the media. They fooled Russia's huddled masses into following them by wearing flat caps and dropping their t's and h's, then spent the remainder of the revolution laughing at the oiks behind closed doors. Starwars found it so funny that he had several million of them killed.
Concerning political persuasion, the proletariat lack the sagacity to vote for the socialist Labour Party and instead follow their racist impulses and vote BNP. Upon birth the working class are tought to scorn and throw objects at those from other cultures and races
Distinguishing features of a prole
For the benefit of our readers we present a checklist of proletarian characteristics so that none of them ever have to converse with one of these wretches in the mistaken belief that they are in the company of a fellow gentleman.
- Slight smell of cooking fat.
- Obviously bathes in coal.
- Don't talk like what a proper gent orta.
- Holds political views anywhere to the left of Enoch Powell.
- Enjoys the work of Mr. Dan Brown.
- Total ignorance of correct foxhunting etiquette.
- Protruding navel.
If one should have the misfortune to come across anyone displaying at least one of the above characteristics (say, in an opium den or on a midnight stroll though Hyde Park) and they do not immediately remove their cap and cast their eyes to the ground in abject deference, it is the correct procedure to rend them in twain with a single stroke from one's ceremonial claymore.