Property of 5

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The Property of 5 is a now defunct mathematical theorem that the number 5 is actually made up of several small parts (known as candelabras). Represented by the formula . Originally discovered and then patented by the late Dr. Marten, the Property of 5 was dismissed as depressing and too real for the urban youth of today, and was replaced by the Property of Alabastermathics.



The history of the Property of 5 is one steeped in many myths and intricacies, but a few facts are known about it. In 1506, a struggling wizard known as Steve "Doc" Marten began a search for a way to feed his hungry family. After a long day at the seal plant, Doc Marten decided to take a short walk through the nearby forest of doom. Legend has it that along his path he stumbled across a hidden cache of magical hotcakes. Written across them were supposedly many mathematical formulae and symbols describing the latitude where Jesus is buried.

In reality, the Jesus that was buried was not our lord and savior but a small Mexican-American man named Jesus (HAY-zooos). Anyway, the Property of 5 was pretty much discovered by accident by Doctor Marten and has very little to do with the preceding story, although it was a fun romp wasn't it?

Something About 5[edit]


It should be noted that 5 is rumored to be the smallest gay number. This is not only not true but pretty hurtful and someone is getting a sticky note on their monitor tommorrow. The Property of 5 was originally proved by multiplying all of its sub-integers by the average age of Schrodinger's Cat. This was disproved later by the fact that no one gives a shit what happened to the cat and everyone just needs to cut out the psuedo-intellectual crap.


The Property of 5 is the idea that the number 5 is made up of 726 small parts called candelabras. Candelabras are incredibly small subatomic particles, much like quarks, gluons, and Kevin Spacey. Much like the other small thingies, candelabras do not and have never existed in this or any other alternate universe. (See cowboy universe )

The Man[edit]

"Doc" Marten was better known as the lost Centurion from the fabled TV show Centurions. Almost always mistaken as the stupid bald underling of that bad guy, Marten was able to transform into a Hovercraft, thus finishing the trinity of Land, Sea, and Air. After being discharged for alleged rape attempts against that stupid monkey, Marten was dealt a killing blow when the Knights Templar disproved the Property of 5 and instated the Property of Alabastermathics. Jobless and friendless, Marten fell into an alcoholic depression and fled to the Misty Mountains to live in seclusion with the goblins. Marten was last seen there swimming freely in the bactine pool behind the local blacksmith.


The Property of Alabastermathics is a simplified, yet very concise, revision over the standard Property of 5. Simply put, the Property of Alabastermathics is that triangles actually have 5 sides, not 3. These extra sides are waves of light, perpetrated by the Old Ones, or Republicans. The intensity of these waves are directly proportional to how Awesome That One Episode of Survivor Was divided by 3^Fear Factor. (The Fear Factor in this case, of course, is 1.27) Patented by the Knights Templar, Alabastermathics are generally accepted by mathemagicians around the world.