Provo, Utah

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Provo flag Provo seal
(Flag) (Seal)
Motto: In Cougar D we trust
Nickname: In Cougar D We Trust
Capital Brigham Young University
Official languages Utahnics
Donny Osmond
Founded 1849
 • 2005 est.
 • 0.2 yoctoseconds earlier
 • Density

Provo is the loveliest city in the loveliest county in the loveliest state (Utah) in the loveliest nation in the world, the United States of America.

It is the county seat of Utah County, located about 50 miles south of Salt Lake City along the Wasatch Front. It is known for its lovely parks and for being the home of Brigham Young University and CSI: Provo. According to the Provo Police Department, the city is absolutely not the home of many serial killers despite its being named "City of Choice" by Serial Killer Magazine.


Settled in 1849 by 33 families exiled from Salt Lake City for their unrepentant worship of Great lord Cthulhu[1], Provo has grown to a population of 105,166. Its population two seconds after you read that last figure is estimated to have decreased to 105,124 due to the simple fact that people move around and NOT due to rampaging serial killers.

The site was named Fort Utah by the Mormon settlers who found the site completely, totally, and utterly uninhabited by Christians©, and who re-named Provo in 1850 for Étienne Provost, an early French-Canadian "fur trapper" (we all know about French girls) who arrived in the region in 1825 driving a sweet custom-painted El Camino which contained the largest Deep Purple 8-track collection known to mankind. Sadly, this archive of priceless riffology is believed lost to mankind when its owner accidentally decapitated herself while frying bacon.

Each July 4 (unless that day falls on a Sunday, the Arrival Day of the Dread Lord Cthulhu), Provo hosts a quaint local custom called the "Stadium of Fire," held annually and named after the notorious 1968 auto da fe of Rufus Osmond, the heretic brother of Marie and Donnie Osmond, who preferred his pablum spiced with Tabasco, Cinnamon, or A1 steak sauce.

The festivites are quite popular among local squares and prudes, and have featured such riveting, timeless figures as war hero/Miss America winner Gary Burghoff, speed metal icon David Hasselhoff, "singer" Reba McEntire, Mandy Moore, and Hindustani tabla virtuoso Huey Lewis and the News, who were tarred and feathered, and banned for life and from Provo after it was disclosed that the band came from the homo-loving bastion of San Francisco. Prophet of God Glenn Beck enlivened the proceedings by memorably commenting as the fireworks went up: "Every one of those fireworks is tied to the waist of a liberal" before he began randomly firing .32 shells into the audience.

The 2008 Stadium of Fire has been postponed due to an accidental mass asphixiation of the festival organizing committee.


Provo's city council tends to vote conservatively

Provo tends to be a conservative city. Local discussion of national politics tends to fall within the spectrum of arch-conservative to Neo-Nazi thought, with a few moderates (by Provo standards) mostly represented by Islamic fundamentalists or Westboro Baptist Church members. However, Utah's 3rd Congressional District, of which Provo is a part, elected Republican George W. Bush to two consecutive terms during the 2000s, despite the fact that he was so far to the left (by Provo standards) that he worships at the far-left Westboro Baptist Church. Oddly, although Provoans tend to have a keen interest in national politics, they tend to pick and choose local issues to follow. One of the hot-button topics in recent years has whether or not to declare martial law in response to a bunch of Timpanogos High whiteboys tagging vinyl fences with "fetch" and non-Mormon old ladies not watering their lawns. As a show of her conservativeness, Provo asked Satan incarnate, Dick Cheney, to speak at BYU Commencement in 2007.

Actually, Utah Mormons are some of the most politically-minded religious folk in the United States, and with over 15 members in Congress, will soon wage war on the uncyclopedia articles concerning them. Orrin Hatch has already bought the infected floppy disks.

Prominent Residents[edit]


  1. see Dr. Alan Alda's From Sleeping R'lyeh to Utah Lake: Secret Adoration of Dread Cthlhu in Provo, Utah University of Arkham Press; 1951