Psychic Wars

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
A picture of Jack Frost, a major general in the Hot Dog Offensive in the 32nd Psychic War fought in Toronto on Bob Saget's birthday.

The Psychic Wars were a string of violent and sticky wars fought between 312312 BC and 434545 AD on the American-Canadian border.

This war is well known for the extreme gore of the battles as well as the use of maple syrup as a weapon.

Events that led up to the Wars[edit]

When British and French settlers began to inhabit the lands of North America there was relative peace, save the occasional witch-burning. The British colonists of the southern colonies and the French bastards of the North colonies would go about their respective businesses, the British making tea and cheap rum and the French mining for their most common export, buggery.

In 1000 AD the southern colonies declared independence from their overlords, the Gophers of Bermuda. The Gophers were easily beaten by the British, seeing as the Gophers were likely to implode while in close proximity to dead Gophers. Only one shot was fired in the war, known as "The shot that killed a whole bunch of freakin' gophers!", which was fired by Marco Polo while he was incredibly intoxicated.

The colonies of the British organized into a single nation, the United States of America. They set up a system of government that stated several human rights, including the right to bear arms, the right to free speech, the right to marry a prostitute, the right to masturbate while looking at hentai porn, and the right to flog anyone practicing buggery. This buggery-flogging policy irritated the French, so the French started a war with the Americans.

Being that they were French, they lost the war. The French government evacuated the colony with incredible haste, and the remaining settlers formed their own nation, Canada.

The First Psychic War[edit]

The United States fought several wars afterward, including the Civil War, Mexican War, and the Cola Wars. Left without any enemies to kill, they turned their gaze towards Canada. The smell of Canadian blood enticed the Americans, so they attacked the Canadian Border.

The Canadians had prepared for the inevitable American attack and had prepared, they had built no roads for Americans to drive SUVs on and had planted obstacles in the ground most Americans, especially ones from urban areas, had never seen before called trees. The trees and the lack of roads made the journey to Canada difficult for American soldiers. The soldiers were almost about to cut down the trees, but hippies prevented them from doing so. With no options left to them, the Americans turned to Richard Dawkins, a noted psychic and fundamentalist Christian, to help turn the tides of war.

Dawkins came up with a brilliant plan. He, along with several other Psychic Commandos called the "Wolverines", would use their psychic abilities to kill every tree and hippy, making the march to Canada simple.

Dawkins failed to plan for the Canadian Counter-offensive, which consisted of 100000002 deers, metrosexuals and hotpockets practicing buggery. This blinded Dawkin's troops and caused mass nausea and vomiting. Pepto-bismal rations were not high enough to meet demand so Dawkins retreated to Florida, where his troops met more buggers and died.

The Continental Congress, run by Jack Sparrow, decided to send in their crack team of specialists: the Power Rangers. The Rangers suited up in their pink power ranger suits and defeated the Canadians, one evil monster at a time until the Canadian overlord ran out of dumbass excuses for monsters and took on the Rangers himself only to get pwned by something stupid like love or friendship.