“OH MY GOD, I'M FUCKING CRAZY!!”
Psychotherapy consists of paying special people called psychologists exorbitant amounts of money so they can listen to your problems, smile, nod, and tell you how your dreams signify your continual desire to screw your mom. It has been confused in many people's minds with the true science of psychical research and past life regression.
Psychotherapy draws much of its inspiration from the ancient character of Oedipus, history's first mofo, who carried out every male's dream, that is, to kill his dad and shag his mom. Afterwards, heartbroken by the death of his mother, he stabbed his eyes out while high off of a bad batch of wine, and went on to wander the countryside selling commemorative souvenirs.
Oedipus inspired the great Sigmund Freud who, while unable to shag his mom, was able to implant these desires in the minds of his patients for his own amusement. He also invented the use of the cigar as a penis substitute, and spent his later years wanking off and publishing books about it. He also projected his obsession with sex on to everything he could, including children, infants, and grandmothers. Oedipus is said to work at a McDonald's near you. Shh. It's a conspiracy lie. Really, I'm not sweating! Ah!
Modern Psychotherapy arose after someone discovered that, for some strange reason, people with problems would actually pay money for people to sit and listen to their problems, because they have no friends. Subsequently, it was discovered that they would pay even more money if that person told them a bunch of mumbo jumbo about their dreams and their mother. Thus, psychotherapy was born.
How to Know if you need Psychotherapy
- Talking to yourself? You just need drugs.
- Too hyper? you need drugs.
- Crazy? You need drugs.
- Sane? You need Psychotherapy.
- Emo? Go kill yourself.
If you're reading this article, you probably need psychotherapy regardless. Although I wouldn't know because I'm writing this in a room with soft walls.