HowTo:Use a Public Restroom
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Public restrooms are everywhere, or at least any place that's public, and seeing as humans are instinctively drawn to urinating, even next to strangers, it comes as no surprise that learning how to properly utilize a public facility as this is crucial. After finishing this step-by-step course, you will realize that indeed, using a public restroom can be either a rewarding and calming experience, or a tragic, debilating, and/or humiliating disaster that will scar you for the rest of your life.
Step One: Consider Alternatives
It is not always the best idea to use a public restroom when other options are available. Some alternatives to this risky and questionable public service include:
- Peeing in a bush
- Urinating in a bottle
- Holding it in (but holding it in can be quite painful )
- A Friend's or Relative's Bathroom
- Gas Station Restroom (does not count as "public" because the general public tries to avoid using them at all costs)
- Coffee Can
However, if you find that none of these options are available, or none suit your tastes, a public restroom may be your only choice.
Step Two: Preparation & Identification
1.) Admit to yourself that your urge to relieve thy bladder is insatiable and unrestrainable.
2.) If you are in a car and are the driver, you have the right to inconvenience your fellow passengers by stopping at a public restroom without complaint. You also have the right to ostracize or execute any whiners. If you are not driving, or are not in a car, declare that you are proceeding towards restroom.
3.) Locate restrooms. If need arises, feel free to ask any teenage trash with a nose piercing or any truck station worker named Jimmy and receive a warm, friendly answer.
4.) Identify the bathroom which suits your gender. Male restrooms have a sign that looks like this:
O | | / \ ||
While female restrooms have a sign like so:
O | | ||
There are also special bathroom stalls for the handicapped:
\ / | /O\
And the sexually confused:
O | | ¿? ||
If you are unsure of your gender, look in a mirror to see which of the previous figures most resembles you. If you cannot find a mirror, get back to your friends; if they're really your friends, they'll tell you.
Step Three: Utilization
This is the part where mistakes are most often made. However, by memorizing the following procedure with flash cards, you too can come out of this okay. Note: The procedure for males and females varies slightly, so don't be a Bush: use common sense.
1.) Enter restroom.
2.) Glance around with a disgusted look on your face. Marvel at the piss-stained urinals, rusted metal pipes, and piles of toilet paper and shit plastered to the rim of toilet seats around you.
3.) After you are done marveling, locate a spot to which you may expose and relieve yourself. If you are a male and must urinate, proceed to phase 4, if you are a female, or a male who must defecate, go to phase 9.
4.) Find a urinal as far away as possible from everyone else, and unzip/unbutton your pants.
5.) Wait for a stranger to walk in the door and stand by the urinal right next to you, despite the fact that there are nine other open spots.
6.) Now you may begin ten seconds of awkward silence as nothing comes out and you begin to think that the stranger notices it, all the while he is making rude noises from both ends of his body and spitting black fluid into the urinal.
7.) Force the urine out in vain until you get a stroke or the urine finally emerges for either three seconds or ten minutes while you begin to feel frustrated and self-conscious.
8.) Tuck in your penis and leave without washing your hands. Proceed to Step Four: The Aftermath.
9.) Scan the row of stalls until you find a open spot. If you cannot, knock awkwardly on a door. If you receive silence, enter. If you hear an annoyed grunt followed by a shuffling of feet, say nothing in response and proceed to the next stall.
10.) Enter the chosen stall and fumble with the lock for a full twelve seconds until it finally closes.
11.) Look at the toilet with disdain. Now you have two choices: Wipe a piece of toilet paper on the seat, thereby spreading the germs and STD's. Then sit. OR, you can crouch down uncomfortably low with your hands on your knees and your eyes looking with shame to the floor. Otherwise known as the Asian way. This may not be the best choice for extended periods of time.
13.) If you have diarrhea, try to keep to a maximum of three squirts a minute. If you hear anyone enter the restroom, squirt unusually loud and pretend the smell is not yours even though everyone knows it clearly is.
14.) After you are done, locate the roll of toilet paper on the floor and use the remaining four sheets of paper to wipe your ass. Wait until you arrive at you or your friend's own home to wipe the rest.
15.) As in step 8, leave without washing your hands and proceed to Step Four.
Step Four: The Aftermath
1.) Return to the car or to your companions feeling filthy and unrelieved.
2.) If asked whether you washed your hands, lie and say "yes".
3.) Eat some food with your hands and give it to your friends.
4.) Wipe your hands on the upholstery of the car.
Well, there you sonsofbitches go, a crash course in using a public restroom. Hope that was informative, or not.
Paid for by the National Board for the Instruction of Proper Bathroom Etiquette and Procedure. You can contact the NBIPBEP at 1-800-DONT-WASH.