Pundits are creatures that inhabit the seventh plane of the Abyss; sometimes known as the Gatekeepers of Dagon or The Messengers of the Great Old Ones, pundits are known for their ability to take the appearance of a reasonably intelligent human head on television. These shape-shifting powers are only limited to television and radio broadcasts; seeing a pundit in their true form is likely to cause insanity, incontinence and eventually, death. In addition, the frequency at which a pundit speaks has been proven to have adverse effects on human brain chemistry and has led to deleusional behaviour on large audiences.
Pundits are an organized cabal, with all administrative functions being directed through a group known as The Cthulhu Institute. Through this organization, the ancient demi-god Cthulhu transmits his wishes to various pundits throughout the world. Their ultimate goal is a mystery, although it is reasonable to assume it involves some level of horrible agony for the entire human race. The Institute is currently headed by former White House Press Officer Scott McClellan, a high-level pundit capable of poisoning newborns with his touch and disintegrating puppies with his gaze.
Some Famous Pundits and How to Kill Them
- Scott McClellan (Real name: Bazgoth, Eater of Souls) As mentioned before, McClellan occupies an important position in the pundit heirarchy; he is guarded at all times by a pack of gibbering Demon Hounds. The hounds can be distracted, however, by using two gallons of virgin blood on the new moon. McClellan himself must say his real name backwards six times in order to be banished to the lowest level of hell.
- Bill O'Reilly (Real name: Al'Kadash, Master of Excrement) O'Reilly is immune to all elements except highly concentrated argon gas and doing it live; in which case, it must be the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year in order to be effective.
- Al Franken (Real name: Dr. Frog-mouth) Shut Franken's enormous mouth--it's so disturbingly large, he will implode from the black hole that is his brain.
- Sean Hannity (Real name: Gol G'Narch of The Great Phallus) Hannity is the attack dog of the pundit race, and as such he is possibly the most difficult to kill. Only the Great Lance of Te-Torach can kill him, and only if wielded by the seventh son of the current nearest descendant of Abraham.
- Tucker Carlson (Real name: That Which Should Not Be) His true form being an amorphous pool of mouths that leak molecular acid, it is difficult to deal with him. A two litre 50/50 solution of Tang instant breakfast drink diluted in goat urine should be employed using a conventional spray bottle. For maximum effectiveness, one can also use the mixture in a power washer.
- Rush Limbaugh If you try to kill him, you won't succeed. The noise that comes out of his mouth is so deafening that you'll want to kill yourself after listening to him for a few days.