Punjab

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Punjab.

“If you need a haircut, go to Punjab!”

“Great success!”

~ Borat Sagdiyev on sweeping reforms introduced in Punjab

“I am a chucksingh!”

~ Hairbhajan Singh


Punjab, province situated in the northwest of India, is infamous for its high levels of prostitution, drug trade and haircutting orgies. Punjab is overrun by Sikhs (and cows), whose religion follows an avid haircutting ritual which is usually performed hourly. its economy is very diverse, ranging from anal massages to hairdressing services to to turban manufacturing to zebra skin trading, but not including any sort of educational or housing services. It has a very pleasant climate. In a typical month, it usually rains twice. The first rain lasts 17 days, the next one 365. The animal culture is also very diverse, as lots of Sikhs refuse to follow their religion, and their Gods subsequently turn them into sex-driven, retarded animals. It is not, however, very varied in religious terms.

History[edit]

A region with a rich and interesting history, Punjab was first put on the map in 1852, by Mr. Manmohan Singh, a famous radical Sikh who defied the Gods by refusing to cut his hair. Eventually, his hair grew so long that he could not wash it without diverting the River Ganga to clean his hair and thus it was agreed that he would be expelled to an arid and unwanted region in India full of animals, so the others could be free of his stink and carnal desires. Upon arriving in Punjab, his natural instinct took over, and he immediately set out to hump the nearest animal - in this case an oversized monster hedgehog. And thus the first Punjabi was born (in a little over 5 months). Overjoyed by the beautiful child he received, Singh cultured him into being a radical anti-Sikh. Before Singh was exiled to Punjab, Sikhism was a pure religion where one was not to engage in any sexual acts (with other humans - masturbation and sex with animals was quite normal and even encouraged by the Gods) and one had to respect the world they were in. Singh, however, had other ideas, and deemed that all Sikhs must NOT cut their hair (to be as unclean as possible), and must not engage in anything hygienic, while ensuring their penis was present in something foreign at all times. In other words, the 'new' Sikhs had just gone down a few steps in the evolution of man, and had about the same capabilities as the first fish on land.

Sure enough, the new Sikhs began to eat away at the base of the old Sikhs - literally. They actually ate (for lunch and dinner usually, accompanied by a refreshing drink of horse urine) any person believing in the true Sikh religion, and eventually all Sikhs in the world behaved like the cannibal himself, Manmohan Singh.

Currency[edit]

Since the concept of payment for goods and services are new to the region, it will take some time to adapt to the contemporary global environment. Most Punjabis are still used to paying for goods with sexual intercourse, with more expensive goods being exchanged for anal sex (known throughout Punjab as 'bonpar'). However, steps are being taken and now they have developed a new currency - pubic hair - part of the Borat Sagdiyev revolution which hit the region when he toured them in 1995. This tour brought a vast amount of changes to the region as this humble, well-mannered gentleman took it upon himself to raise this region from the languid netherworld it was.

Currently, one kilo of pubic hair is required to purchase a loaf of bread or a packet of milk. Alternatively, a fair approximate for this purchase would be two and a half minutes of sex, but this is flexible depending on the sexual prowess of the partner.

Population[edit]

The current population of Punjab is approximately 666 people and 78000 animals, but these figures are extremely hard to forecast and are just vague estimates, as Punjabis are not yet aware of the concept of census.

Also, with Singhs being as easily confused as they are, when trying to bonpar they regularly "miss" and end up performing proper intercourse, resulting in an unwanted birth. Singh women however, are for the most part too stupid to realise they are giving birth, and therefore just assume the baby is a small person that got lost while bonparing and as a result sends it on it's way to bonpar some animals to practice on. It is for this reason that there are no accurate records of population as sikh women are too uneducated to count, and even if they did, it would be highly irregular for any of them to actually keep track of the number of times they receive bonpar. Besides, it is rare that they notice being bonpared - what with the regularity of it all - so there is "no tread left on the tyres" and it ends up being like "throwing a hotdog down a hallway".

Religion[edit]

Punjab is predominantly a Sikh region. Approximately 70% of the inhabitants are Sikh, 5% follow the hawk, 23% are Anmolists and the rest are hairdressers.

The Anmolist sect is a relatively new craze in Punjab, which all started on April 1, 1987, when Anmol the Great was born (his surname was 'the Great', it is not a self-given title), in a hovel. His leadership skills were blatantly obvious from the moment he could potty-train, even though he was from such a humble background (his father was an ass massager and his mother was a prostitute). All his family members used to rally around him during times of need, and he used to console them competently. This Punjabi went on to become famous in his tribe of sixty six people, as he was considered lucky and the apple of their eyes. Consequently, his influence kept increasing exponentially in his tribe, and by the time he was seventeen months old, they decided unanimously that he must be God. They were right; by the time he was five years old, he had already established the regulations of his religion, 'Anmolism'. Here is a vague outline of the 8000 page holy book 'Anmol's Guide to become a true and pure human being':

  1. Anmol must always be called God, at all times.
  2. His father and mother did not give birth to him; he created himself.
  3. He has a boat with a rotating satellite, and freed Kamlesh Pattni (a dangerous Mafia boss who was due to be hanged) from prison.
  4. An Anmolist had to pray to Anmol (a.k.a God) for everything, ranging from eggs for breakfast to having children in a barren marriage.
  5. Anmol must be referred to as God at all times.
  6. He doesn't mind being called the Almighty either.
  7. An Anmolist had to do exactly what Anmol says, no matter how immoral it is, because God has spoken.
  8. Everyone is Anmol's slave, and slavery is encouraged.
  9. All Anmolists had to call Anmol God.


Anmolism is expected to overtake the predominantly Sikh region, and experts forecast Anmolism will become the major religion of Punjab by 2010. This is due to a number of factors. Anmol has achieved many great things in his life, including being the Head Boy and highest achiever of his school (The Punjabi Kindergarten School for Learning), at age 16, consisting of six pupils; achieving popularity among women equal or greater than that of Hugh Hefner (Punjabi women, that is); being cricket captain, opening batsmen and opening bowler of the Punjabi Women Cricket Club. With this list of achievements, it isn't a surprise that his tribe decided he must be God. In addition, even though bonpar is encouraged in Anmolism (a clause he had to add to have enough support from followers), it is not a significant pillar in the religion. This means that less time is spent doing bonpar; consequently, Anmolists have a very high birth rate. Of course, Anmol guarantees that all Anmolists will automatically be granted lifetimes worth of luck and prosperity. He cited his own miraculous example, as he no longer lives in a dustbin but now has a much more spacious garbage dump, big enough to house him, his parents, seven wives and seventy children comfortably. God himself has also decided to tour the entire Punjab to spread his message, and is expected to complete his tour by 2008. He is as prolific a prophet as Nostra Damas, having prophsised many things well in advance of these events taking place. He is especially adept at making weather predictions. If Anmol says there's going to be a downpour, don't count on enjoying a picnic. He travels in an entourage and rides a dead donkey being carried by his faithful slaves. Most Sikhs are expected to embrace this religion with open arms, as he has achieved more in his short life (to date) than any of the Sikh Gods, Gorbax Singh, or even Bhagat Singh, all combined. In fact, experts predict Anmolism will spread throughout the world, and it will become a major religion by the time the world ends (or it may be the cause of the end of the world).

Economy[edit]

The economy of Punjab is extremely vast, but the pillars of the economy, which are always booming and consist of high demand and supply year round, are prostitution and hairdressing. On average, in the years after 2000, GDP per capita was around $1.48; this was a significant increase from the -$770,000 from the pre-Borat era. In addition, one could say that the Punjabi economy is the most stable economy in the world, as it does not follow suit with the economic cycle of booms and depressions that are supposed to be inevitable. Instead, Punjab is always in depression.

One significant factor in the success of the prostitution trade is due to its easy availability and convenient locations. An average Punjabi household will have at least two and a half brothels within a two minute donkey ride from their home. In addition, prostitutes are still paid with sex. Thus, a person who pays for sex will have to pay WITH sex. Double the pleasure for customers, and prostitutes get to enjoy their favourite activity. This is a key reason why Punjab is respected worldwide for its fantastic human rights achievements. Furthermore, there are many prostitutes available within Punjab, due to the fact that all women (including transvestites) above the age of seven years are prostitutes, while their husbands are pimps.

Since the Borat revolution, many Sikhs have abandoned the backward-thinking approach of Bhagat Singh, and have decided to cut their hair frequently. This has resulted in a flourishing trade in hairdressing, with the most common preference being the bald look. However, Sikhs still do wear a turban (similar to the one worn by Osama bin Laden - now there's a coincidence) to cover their head as they do not want to show their lack of brains. Sikh women are even more ashamed and cover their heads at all times, usually using paper bags, to hide the fact that their brains are equal in size to those of a squirrel (as proven by reputable scientist Dr. Yamak). The hair industry is more diverse due to the fact that they now offer a range of hair colouring options as well as high-quality wigs. Most hair colours are manufactured from fermented cow- or elephant-dung, while wigs are produced from buffalo hair.

Combined, the hair and sex trade accounts for approximately 97% of the entire GDP of the region. The remaining is contributed by a variety of small businesses selling sex toys, turbans, slaves and horse urine.

Imports and exports[edit]

Punjab is a prolific exporter of all types of hair, with its chief trading partners being Somalia and Kazakhstan. In addition, it has settled on trade agreements to supply Somali pirates with weapons while trading these for fit, healthy slaves. It is the world's foremost importer of nappies, but this fledgling industry is growing rapidly in Punjab and should soon cope with the high domestic demand.

Language[edit]

It is fair to say that no Punjabi can speak any language that modern man can call a language. They usually communicate by grunting, touching or pointing at the appropriate part of the body (for example a Punjabi pointing at his crotch is actually asking where he can find a washroom - or brothel), beating each other up, or producing animalistic noises. In fact, they have become so much advanced in the latter that they can actually talk to the animals in Punjab! However, this is not very surprising as genetically they are closer to the animal kingdom than humans.

Culture[edit]

Punjabis are a very cultured people - so cultured that even their accent and their sexual practices are "cultured". As in, you might get a "culture" (of the bacterial or yeast kind) from having sex with one, especially one that has had sex with several others.

Traditions[edit]

By far the most sacred, popular and most revered tradition is that of bonpar (anal sex). This is the backbone of the Sikh religion, which teaches Sikhs the truth of life in this world. One who frequently carries out bonpar is very well respected. In fact, the leader of a tribe is always the person who has carried out bonpar the most times. It is said one gets closer to God with every time one performs it, until finally one achieves a higher level of understanding. This tradition is most commonly carried out between husband and wife (or husband and prostitute, or husband and animal). This is difficult to define, though, since there is no concept of marriage in the Sikh community. They merely seek partners for a short term (approximately four to five hours). Every time a Sikh finds a partner who he stays with for more than a day, a sacred ritual of 'bonpar time' is undertaken. In this ritual, all males related to the Sikh have turns to bonpar his new partner, and finally he himself joins the ritual. Excessive undertaking of bonpar recently has led to many women being forced to wear nappies of all sorts, and this is good news for the economy as it will develop a new sector to diversify the economy further. Another popular tradition is smoking. Sikhs love to smoke, regularly opting for sand weed or sand grass, and reach closer to God the higher they get. A relatively newer craze has been that of cutting hair, promoted first when Borat Sagdiyev visited the region in order to educate the world on the plight of Punjab. It is frequent for a Punjabi to cut their hair at least twice a day, and they shave on the hour, every hour, using cheetah hair, which is known for its sharpness and razor-like quality. In addition, they can then sell their hair, which fetches stupendous prices in some parts of Punjab. High quality hair can be sold for ten times its weight in pubic hair, and usually a kilogram of hair fetches around twelve hours of sex.

Food[edit]

The staple food of Sikhs is goat shit. They enjoy eating fried and grilled goat shit and fermented horse urine having low proportions of methyl alcohol, durind their festival of baisakhi they often have bonpar with dog, sheep, horse, and all types of animals who are ready and frequently eat sizzler shit with stuffed pig shit naan. The most delicious delicacy of the region is and they get into all types of inhuman activites and seem to like it , It is the place where dog shit is kept on the sand and then baked by the hot sun. This is very expensive, and thus only reserved for special occasions, such as when a person obtains a higher level of being like in Anmolism(through bonpar) or to revitalise their bodies after 'bonpar time'.

Geography[edit]

There is not much to say about Punjab in this respect. It is, disputably, the most worthless region in the world in terms of resources. There is not a single tree in Punjab, or even soil for that matter. There is only sand all around. This has caused all the herbivores to adapt their digestive system, and they now stay healthy on a steady diet of sand, sand and more sand. However, there are very many caves in the region, with most being inhabited by Punjabis themselves. This has led to speculation that Osama bin Laden and John Kerry (his sidekick and assistant mastermind) might be hiding in Punjab, but this was disproved by general consensus on the basis that Punjabis are not clever enough to harbour criminals, and that Osama and Co. would rather suffer a horrible death by stoning than live in the harsh conditions of Punjab, surrounded by cannibals.

The famous sands of Punjab

Punjabis, the resourceful people they are, somehow managed to grow something on that desert called Punjab. A tree indigenous only to Punjab grows there, without water and only on sand. This is known as the sand tree. Once it has bloomed, it releases tonnes and tonnes of sand annually. It dies within a year, and settles into a pile of sand.

Politics[edit]

Since the idea of politics is a relatively new one, it consists of one governing body: the Singhate (equivalent to the Senate) and a Supreme Leader of Punjab. There are no elections; ministers are chosen based on their position in society. This is by far dictated by how much bonpar one performs, thus all Singhs in the Singhate must be highly experienced in this important tradition. Consequently, the Supreme Leader himself is the individual in Punjab who has performed bonpar the highest number of times.

The Singhate takes it upon itself to decide which bills to introduce and enact. However, once a bill has been passed, it must be sent to the Supreme Leader, who decides whether to accept the bill or veto it. The Singhate is composed of 100 ministers: 50 Singhs and 50 animals. They jointly make decisions on how to govern Punjab in the best interest of the region, as they can speak to each other (Singhs specialise in Animal language). Bills are passed by a simple majority (in Punjab this is equivalent to at least 3 Singhs and animals each agreeing on the bill).

The Supreme Leader has the absolute right to make laws, allocate the budget.Thus, in effect, the Supreme Leader overrules the Singhate on all counts, so there is absolutely no point of the Singhate existing. A compassionate Supreme Leader will take into account the interest of the whole of Punjab, including how best to treat the men, animals and sand of Punjab. This is not usually the case. Most Supreme Leaders are the most selfish beings ever created and usually spend all their time performing bonpar so that others cannot reach their experience of bonpar. This means that the Supreme Leader will always have the highest degree of bonpar proficiency, and thus a new Supreme Leader is only chosen after the incumbent dies.

To date, not a single bill has been passed by either the Singhate or the Supreme Leader.

The Constitution[edit]

The constitution of Punjab is Prostitution A groundbreaking achievement in politics was achieved recently, when Supreme Leader Gorbax Singh introduced the Supreme Punjabi Constitution of the glorious Punjab nation of Punjab. This concise, yet appropriate, document is printed in full below. It has been translated from the usual grunting language and animal speak Punjabis use, into English.

THE SUPREME PUNJABI CONSTITUTION OF THE GLORIOUS PUNJAB NATION OF PUNJAB SIGNED BY SUPREME LEADER GORBAX SINGH

All citizens (and animals) of Punjab must abide by the following rules:

  1. All men MUST follow the tradition of bonpar and will undertake it every time a cow moos.
  2. All women must offer themselves to men and cannot refuse advances by men.
  3. All women must wear nappies at all times (apart from bonpar) to protect the integrity of the land.
  4. All Singhs must cut their hair, smoke a cigarette and shave at least once daily or they shall be turned into black monstrous creatures who shall rot in the deserts of Punjab.

Sport[edit]

Sports have never been an important part of the Punjabi lifestyle(because they are all too big!!), but some forms of it have always existed throughout. This is usually done when everybody is too tired for other activities like haircutting or bonpar. Games like 'Pin the tail on the paghri' are quite famous throughout Punjab. From a group of people, two are chosen. One is blindfolded using a cow's hide and given a horse's tail, while the other must stand in a fixed position without moving. The blindfolded person must then progress to put the tail onto the turban of the person standing still, through the help of the crowd. They grunt if he's getting near, and grunt twice if he's moving farther away. Once he finally manages to wrap the tail round the turban, they perform a ritualistic dance, chop off the person's turban with an axe, and then resort to bonpar to top it all off.

Usually, Singhs spend their time playing sport to amuse the world in general, as it is hilarious to watch them play. A popular sport played in exclusive parts of Punjab is cricket, which they also play to amuse the world at large. Such characters as the Turbanator (who has a section dedicated to him) are icons of hilarity in the civilised world, least of which is his audacity to chuck (also known as throwing the ball. In cricket, the bowler must bowl with an almost straight arm. However, Turbanator bends his arm so much it almost goes backwards). Umpires, or referees, refuse to acknowledge this clear violation of cricketing rule, as they fear for their anal virginity. All Singhs who play cricket, even those who aren't famous and only play it as a timepass, all cannot bowl with a straight arm. This proves there is a genetic defect in Singhs, but this is to be expected as they are the result of a sex-deprived filthy human and a huge hedgehog.



The Manmohan Singh Scandal[edit]

This scandal not only rocked Punjab, but the entire world as well. Mr. Manmohan Singh, who was Supreme Leader from 1943 to 1985, before he abdicated, was one of the most respected people in the Singh community. Although he constantly enjoyed bonpar from birth, something happened to him and by 1985 he refused to bonpar anymore, and immediately left Punjab. The Gods, angry at him for his foolishness, turned him into a horribly black, hairy and castrated bear. Seeing as he could not do much in life anymore, he decided to enter the field of politics, where his genial facade promptly handed him Prime Ministership of India (a post similar to that of the Supreme Leader).

Premiers Manmohan Singh and great Warlord Walker 'Texas Ranger' Bush

While he was Prime Minister, he used to cover himself in a human skin, and wear a turban to hide the huge mass of hair covering his face and head. As a result, he is one of the most hated figures in Punjab and all inhabitants (including animals) agree he disgraced them by refusing their most sacred and revered tradition.


The Borat Sagdiyev Revolution of 1995[edit]

This magnificent and absolutely critical stage of development for all Punjabis is as significant an era as the Industrial and French Revolutions. Effectively, they moved up one rung on the ladder of evolution, and now behave how the first reptiles did.

Borat Sagdiyev was sent on a charitable mission, by the Kazakh Ministry of Information, to Punjab, and is a key reason for the sweeping changes in behaviour now witnessed in Punjab. Disgusted by their use of sex as payment, he managed to rub off on them the importance of a means of currency, and many Punjabis were quick to notice the portability and durability of hairs as payment for goods and services. In addition, he somehow managed to convince the Sikhs that by not cutting their hair, they were filthy, disgusting animals and had to cut their hair daily if they were to look remotely human. Even more impressive was the fact that he managed to convert a small number of Punjabis to a more logical religion, worshiping the Hawk. However, not all Punjabis embraced this as they were stubborn and did not understand what a Hawk was. He taught them the importance of personal hygiene, and, consequently, all Punjabis now bathe in the sewage systems at least twice annually. Their sanitation system also underwent sweeping reforms. They used to use bushes as depots for excrement, and urinated in their nappies. This horrendous behaviour was corrected, and they now use holes in the ground and plastic bags to deposit their unwanted material.

His influence does not just stop there. He was involved in the construction of many structures, including the Town Hall. In addition, he urged the Supreme Leader to be flexible to his people. He no longer rules with an iron fist, but with a rubber fist. Borat also ordered the execution of all gays in Punjab, to cleanse the land, but the grand total of gays in Punjab was only two (apparently bonpar does not apply between males). He also told Punjabis about the greatness of the U.S. & A, greatest country in the world. It is now their second-most favourite place in the world. Borat was adamant that all Jews in Punjab must be executed by being shot in the crotch, but unfortunately an extremely expensive scouring of the region unearthed no Jews, as it was apparent this place was too hellish for Jews to consider living in. A cinema theatre was established in Punjab. It consists of a large floor (approximately one square metre) which is enough to allow seventy Sikhs to sit, and a giant ten inch cinema screen. Unfortunately, since Punjab is not connected to any electricity grid, the theatre is a white elephant - no movie can play, even though they were given a reel of 'Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan'. This is their favourite movie-film of all time, and highly recommended by Premier George Walker (Texas Ranger) Bush.

The Turbanator[edit]

No, it's not the Punjabi equivalent of Arnold Shortnigger. Even better, Hairbhajan Singh is an icon for the whole of Punjab, and all inhabitants aspire that they could grow up to be the big chucker he is. Born in the humble village of I like to throw the ball, in Punjab, he was always destined for greatness. 'Hairbhy', as his name is whispered in awe by Punjabis, always had the talent to chuck a cricket ball considerably. His magnificent action was soon noticed by cricketing greats in India, and he was immediately entered into the Indian cricket team. At the time of his birth the whole area was ingulfed with thunderstorm and hard crackling thunder the midwife heard some noises sounding 2011 world cup title song in the lair and then came a little fellow and had a white season ball in hand and for the first time he threw the ball he was just 35 seconds old. He has been a great success on the international stage, with his chucking prowess grabbing him wickets at regular intervals.

The man with the action: Hairbhajan Singh

It is evident that his consistent threat to bonpar anyone who as much as whispers the illegitimacy of his delivery has led to all cricketing bodies to accept that his action is as clean as a whistle. It is difficult to blame them as they will be bonpared to death if any other verdict is given.


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