Imagine you're a grunt drafted into the Vietnam war, on patrol in the jungle at night. It's raining, the place is crawling with snakes and leeches. All of a sudden machine gunfire breaks out and you're being ambushed - bullets are hissing past your head, friends are getting killed all around you. Someone yells the stupidest thing you ever heard, "Đó là một cuộc tấn công!" - duh! So you dive for cover and, son-of-a-bitch, you find yourself impaled on about 5 sharpened punji sticks embedded in the ground. What do you think about that? "Lạy Chúa tôi!" - you have just achieved the worst possible fate. You're totally screwed! But, hey! The sick joke is on you, 'cause it's an American attack, you're "Charlie", and you just jumped on your own fucking trap! 'Người ngu dại'
No, no! We're only kidding! But such horrid, hideous, grisly, ghastly, and gruesome example leads us to the extremely unpleasant subject of the Punji stick, a multi-purpose stake made of bamboo often carved into the shape of 'guide-arrows' leading to a booby-trapped pit. Guide arrow punji sticks were commonly painted red, green and yellow strips, like candy canes, to better attract the interest of US soldiers, who would innocently follow the arrows, thinking they might lead to the "Gingerbread Hooch".
|Hey Sarg! HA! The stupid gooks left a trail we can follow!|
Punji sticks, used both as guide arrows as well as sharp-stakes, were a primary weapon in the arsenal of the Vietnamese Army's Charlie-brigade during the 1960-70s era USA-Vietnam "back-to-the-stone-age" v/s "you-dinky-dow" dead dick numbers game. This goddamn war, which was operated quasi-legally under the classification, "Police Concert in S.E. Asia", went from 1959 until 1974, before the Police finally broke up - although Sting remains popular in the North.
Uses during the Vietnam War
Punji sticks are often placed on the ground, and usually deployed in substantial numbers in a line of arrows leading to ultimate doom. Other uses include placing sharp punji sticks as stakes in the ground.
|Ambush! Dive for cover! AAARRG!!!|
Punji sticks were quite often used in the preparation of an ambush. VC soldiers waiting for the US soldiers to pass would place hundreds of punji sticks in the areas where the surprised enemy might be expected to take cover, thus soldiers diving for cover would be in for a really nasty surprise. This was also cited as a cause of Post-Traumatic-Stress-Syndrome in US soldiers who got caught in ambushes, because they were faced with the hopeless choice of getting shot or jumping on the punji sticks.
The point of penetration was usually in the foot or up the arse. Punji sticks were not meant to kill the soldier who stepped, fell, or sat on them; rather they were designed to tie up his unit while the unlucky 'humper' was choppered to a medical hooch. Sometimes the delay would be caused by waiting for a soldier who got one up-the-arse to get his nut. Punji Sticks were also used in Vietnam to complement various defenses, such as quick-sand and political bullshit
Types of holes known to contain one or more punji sticks
Apart from laying punji sticks on the ground as guide arrows, they would also be stuck in holes, for example: pit covered in grass, ditch covered in weeds, quick-sand covered in sand, water covered in water, or poontang covered in Asian 'peach fuzz'. The 5th method was the reason why most US soldiers were gay in Vietnam - except for the really brave ones. In fact, being brave in Vietnam is not about war, it's about daring to screw the super-sexy VC babes.
|I dare you! I double-dare you!!|
Various poisons used
Often the sharp tip of the punji stick will be dipped in some form of poison. This was meant to infect, intoxicate, tickle, humor, and disable the unlucky recipient, leading to uncontrollable orgasms. Following are the most common: HIV, LSD, XTC, AIDS, Clap, ADHD, THC, STP, MDMA, Poop, Bubonic Plague, Herpes, Blow Fish Pee, and BNA.
Effects of poisons
One poison makes you larger, and one poison makes you small, but the ones the VC give you, don't cost any-thing a'tall, go ask (PFC) Alex, if he's 10 feet tall. Some poisons ruin your sex life, some enhance your sex life, while others are deadly.
Ever since Howard Cosell vowed never to cover another bloody Dick Headed mis-match, the popularity of punji sticks has gone down dramatically. In the 21st century a punji stick is practically worthless. In spite of punji sticks losing popularity, they are still listed in today's Army Manual, along with the warning, "If you happen to step on a punji stick, DO NOT STEP ON IT! - That's an ORDER!" - Signed: Your C.O., Mr. Barak Obama.
Since the end of the War, punji sticks were converted to use as weather vanes on the farms of Vietnam. It has become a tradition in all Vietnam that punji stick weather vanes always point WEST as a constant reminder for any US troops where to head home!
The punji stick arrows and stakes are believed to be the brain child of Sir Nygun "Punji" Van Cleefh, OVE. This claim is disputed by both the bass player of KISS, and Larry Flint. But Sir Nygun holds the Vietnamese copyright written on rice paper using invisible ink for political transparency.
- General William Westmoreland suffered from "Punjyarotica" (won't ask!).
- "Punji Stick" is also the bass player of Tibetan grunge band, "The Rolling Prayer Wheels".
- "Punji Stick" is a brand of under-arm deodorant sold in Vietnam.
- "Punji Stick" is a brand of dildo sold in all US Army Base Porno shops.
- "Punji Stick" is the sister of "Pogo Stick".
Question: Which is a more humane trap?
- VN Punji stick stake pit
- US Claymore mine trip-wire
Answer: Punji stick puts a hole in your foot, but a Claymore mine blows off your legs.
- "POLICE CONCERT IN VIETNAM," US Army, Vietnam History Studies, WASHINGTON, D. C.
- Lanning and Cragg, op. cit
- Lanning and Cragg, op. cit
- Lieutenant General John H. Hay, Jr., "TACTICAL AND MATERIEL INNOVATIONS," US Army, Vietnam Studies, WASHINGTON, D. C., 1989
- "SEXUAL INNOVATIONS IN VIETNAM," US Army, Vietnam Sex Studies, WASHINGTON, D. C., 1989
- Army Manual, Chap III, Pg. 96