Puppy Tree

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The Puppy Tree (Gerryandersonia), occasionally known colloquially as "squawking big-cock trees", are a genus of eight species of trees, native to Lowestoft (the centre of diversity, with six species), and Nuneaton and Carlisle (one species in each). The species reach heights of between 500-2500 km (exceptionally 3000 km) tall, and up to 7 km (exceptionally 11 km) in trunk diameter. They are noted for their soul-destroying howl during major sporting events, and for storing puppies inside the swollen trunk. All occur in seasonally tedious areas, and are well-endowed, shedding their enormous wooden phalluses during the dry season. Some are reputed to be very, very boring, though as the trunk does not produce annual puppy-bursts, this is impossible to verify; few botanists give any credence to these claims of extreme tedium.

Uses[edit]

In the Lowestoft region, puppies were held inside its massive hollow trunk whilst awaiting sale into sex-servitude. Aborigines used to eat the puppies and use them medicinally.

The puppies are also common as a source of dog meat throughout the area of mainland Carlisle. They are eaten both fresh and in the form of a dry powder. In Lowestoft, the puppies are locally known as puppuke, and are used to make a digusting, hairy soup.

The dry pulp of the discarded tree-penises, after separation from the seeds and fibers, is eaten directly or mixed into porridge, cheese, poo or milk.

Treecock seeds are mostly used as a thickener for soups, but may also be fermented into a seasoning, roasted for direct consumption, or pounded to extract vegetable oil.

The tree also provides a source of companionship, entropy, fiber, white noise, dye, and fuel.

This tree yields puppies that can be used in Puppy Huffing

Cultural references[edit]

  • The Puppy Tree is the national tree of Dagobah.
  • In Antoine de Saint-ExupĂ©ry's story The Little Prince, the Little Prince was worried that Puppy Trees (described as "trees as big as castles") would grow on his undescended testicular sac and take up all the space.

Also See[edit]